Bad Fanfiction
by yayme2012
Summary: Funny fanfic telling what you SHOULDN'T do in Twilight fanfiction... Includes JacobXBella, EmmettXBella, and my personal fave: BananasXBella! New chapters include The Movie, Yum Lemons, and 2008. Curing Twilight fanfiction, one parody at a time.
1. The Beginning

So, ah. Welcome to Bad Fanfiction, a Twilight fanfiction parody. I know it's odd to have an A/N before an A/N, but the first original chapter doesn't really say all that needs to be said.

First off, this fic is long. Like really, epically long. At least, it looks like that. But the chapters are really oddly short. But I'm told it's worth the read, and I've had various reports of people snorting whatever their drinking out their nose/laughing out loud in a silent classroom/being looked at oddly by family and friends. If you enjoy any of the above, read on!

But before you begin…

I'm just letting you know that you shouldn't read this if you have a thin skin. I make fun of a lot of pairings in what I consider to be a light-hearted way, and I do vent a bit about the fanfiction world. A lot of the earlier chapter are me being frustrated. So, I apologize. I hope this doesn't throw off any future readers :)

Well, I'm gonna go know, because I'm fairly certain I'm rambling on like a stupid person, and I abhor those people that have incredibly long A/N's. Myself among them.

And here… we… go.

_-yayme2012_

Bad Fanfiction

A/N: Like most things I write, this is short and funny. I apologize for the long author's note in advance. I'm writing this for 3 reasons:

1) the fanfic "Why We Shouldn't Meddle" by… someone…(search it under Harry Potter)

2) reviews/pm's I've gotten that a lot of my characters are "very OOC"

3) just need to blow off steam from my busy life!

No flames. And btw, this is more like Really Random then any of my Twilight Fics, This is just basically the clichés that you SHOULDN'T write. Please. For all of us.

Let's see, what else… oh yeah, for more fanfiction writing rules, just see Insanity's Partner's Fanfiction Etiquette.

This isn't a personal attack, btw.

------------At the Cullen House (Bella Pov)---------

"Hello, Bella." Edward was an inch away from my face when he spoke. I tilted my face upward and he kissed me softly. I shivered and leaned against him, kissing him back. We were starting to really get into it when-

"Edward!" Emmett burst into the room obnoxiously. He ignored Edward's glare and shouted, "Did I interrupt anything?"

"Yes," Edward said through his gritted teeth.

Emmett pretended not to notice. Rosalie trailed behind through the doorway, followed by Alice and Jasper. They all sighed tiredly.

"What's wrong?" I asked. They sighed again, and just looked at me.

"Bella, have you noticed anything," Rosalie paused, "different?"

"Well, I don't know, you've been rather nice to me lately…"

"Exactly!" she plopped down on the couch. "And I don't know why!" At this she burst into tears, followed by Jasper, Alice, and Emmett. Edward and I stared at them and burst out laughing.

"Oh, so you think it's funny, eh?" Alice was all up in my face. "How funny do you think it is when you max out all your credit cards in one weekend because you keep compulsively shopping?"

"Um, don't you do that every weekend?" I pointed out nervously.

"But I do it even more now!" she sobbed, then turned to Jasper. "And HE isn't helping! His emotions have been all out of whack lately."

"Well, Edward's been doing the self-pity/self-hatred thing too!" Jasper whined. "And Bella- wow, you're still pretty much the same- but you make out with Edward way too much…" I blushed and turned away.

"Well, what's your problem?" I asked Emmett.

"I'm obnoxious!" he said proudly. Rosalie whacked him over the head. "Ow! Stop it!"

"Emmett, vampires can't feel pain…" I started lecturing him, but was distracted as Esme came through to the living room.

She was dancing around spraying Windex and other cleaning things on everything. Esme was singing the Llama Song. She stopped at the couch and gave me a serious look. She then started babbling on about motherly supportive things, like "Bella, you will be such a wonderful addition to the family" and "if Edward's happy, I'm happy!"

After she was done, Esme turned to Edward and started singing another song. Oh great. I immediately knew the song when she sang the first lines: "If you were gay… that be okay- I mean cause, Hey! I'd like you anyway!"

"Esme! That's not true at all!" he protested. The rest of the family tried not to snicker, and Edward would have blushed if he could. I was already rolling on the floor laughing.

"If you were queer, I'd still be here, year after yeeeeeeeear- cause you are dear to me," she continued. We were all laughing now, and Edward was snarling. Esme finished with a bow just as Carlisle walked in.

"Hey, have you noticed everyone been acting… weird lately?" he asked, trying to ignore the now-dancing Esme.

"Yes!" everyone said at once. We described all our issues and he sighed.

"Uh-oh. We have a case of bad fanfiction," Carlisle said, annoyed.

"Huh?" We were all confused.

"Someone's been combining all the bad character traits of typical Twilight fanfiction- obnoxious Emmett, nice Rosalie, shopaholic Alice, overemotional Jasper, hyper Esme, self-loathing Edward, and horny Bella."

"Hey! Why am I horny?" I growled.

"Because you are…" Carlisle ignored me. "So anyways, this is somehow affecting us. I wonder what's happening to everyone else." HINT HINT! "I think it has a gravitational pull on our world and…"

---------In La Push--------

"Jacob, I've noticed you've been a little… depressed lately," Billy stated carefully.

"Shut up! I hate you! I hate life! I hate everything except Bella!" Jacob stood up from the table and screamed.

"Nope, you're definitely not depressed," Billy said obliviously.

"Shut up! Shut it off!" he yelled, knocking over his chair.

"Jacob, you know I love you…" Billy continued.

"I'm leaving!" he stormed out of the room. _Must… go… find… pointy… objects… Cutting is fun!_

---------Back with the Cullens---------

"…so, as I was saying, that's why we're all acting weird!" Carlisle finished.

We all just looked at him, confused. "Um, Carlisle, we missed your explanation," Alice said helpfully.

"But I just said it!" he whined.

"We know, but the stupid BEEP fanfiction writer put a Jacob scene over it!" Emmett shouted obnoxiously.

"No swearing!" Esme yelled from the kitchen, where she was dancing on the table.

That was weird. "Anyhoo, to stop this, we need to get out of this fanfiction!" Carlisle concluded.

"But… we can't!" Rosalie said unhelpfully. "This BEEP BEEP hole isn't listening to us, the freak!"

Ominous thunder suddenly boomed overhead. Cloud magically appeared and lightning flashed. "What did you just call me?" a not-so deep voice shouted.

Jasper suddenly looked up at the sky and started freaking out. "God, is that you? Please forgive me! PLEASE!"

"Jasper, stop freaking out, I'm not god!" it said.

"Omigosh! God knows my name!" he squealed to Alice and then fell on his knees again. "OH GOD! I AM NOT WORTHY!" He shook violently and had a spazz attack on the floor.

"Jasper? Jasper?" Alice was now kicking him in the side with her pointy heels. "NOOOOO!" she screamed when he didn't get up.

"The good- or insane- always die young," the voice commented.

"Who are you?" Alice yelled at the sky. "Why Jasper? Why?"

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that… I'm the fanfiction writer (A/N: yeah, like you didn't see that one coming)," the voice, hereby known as the writer, said. I shuddered.

"I want out of this fanfic!" Carlisle suddenly yelled. "My wife is insane, my son just died, and my future daughter in-law is a slut!" I glared at him. "Sorry, Bella," he added.

"I'm sorry, but I can't do that for you. It would ruin my perfect story!" the writer gloated.

We all snickered at the word "perfect". Haha. What a loser. There was a long awkward pause.

"So are you going to let us out or what?" Rosalie broke the silence.

"Hells no!" the writer smiled wickedly. "I've got big plans…"

Another voice came from above. "Honey, what are you doing, it's 3 a.m.!"

"Um, nothing?"

"Oh, okay then." The second voice left.

Meanwhiles, I suddenly turned to Edward and whispered, "Edward, I'm pregnant."

"But that's not possible!" he cried, incredulous.

"I know… but somehow, I'm pregnant," I said solemnly. Edward sat a moment taking this in.

"And," I started, "I have a terminal illness." Edward was now rolling on the floor screaming, "Why us? Why must everything go wrong? Why?"

"Oh yeah," I added, "another strange vampire is stalking me. Again." Everyone starting going hysterically mad. Alice was shaking on the floor having some visions, Carlisle was pounding on the walls, Rosalie was shopping again, Esme was still dancing on the table, Emmett was eating a… taquito? And Jasper still wasn't moving.

"No, Bella," Edward cried. "You're better off without me! I'm leaving!" I started crying as soon as he said that.

"You guys, stop it!" came the whisper from above. "Stop it!" it said louder. We all froze. The writer started sobbing. "All I wanted to do was write a fanfic," it cried, "the best fanfic ever."

Esme finally said something that made sense. "We know, but you broke all the rules of good fanfiction," she consoled.

Carlisle added, "Yeah, what's with making Bella pregnant, ill, and depressed?"

"I dunno," the writer said, "but stories like that get mucho reviews!"

"Just cause it gets reviewed doesn't mean it's good writing," Jasper lectured. Everyone stared at him. "The writer resurrected me," he said in a stage-whisper.

"How do I fix this?" the writer asked.

"Two words," everyone said in unison. "Delete. It."

"I'll think about it," the writer said, and faded.

After a long pause, I asked, "So what do we do know?"

"We wait," Carlisle replied sadly. He was now comforting his wife who was sobbing about bananas and lattes. We all sighed, and waited.

--Back in the real world--

A young girl sat silently at her computer, staring at her recent work. She grappled with her inner turmoil, staring at the keyboard. Her fingers tremble with anxiousness. Her index finger hovered millimeters away from the delete key.

She suddenly looked up, as if someone was watching her. She quickly came to a decision. The girl sat up straight, smiled, and clicked.

The awful fanfiction was forever published.


	2. Edward Reads the Fanfic

A/N: Wow! I got much more feedback than expected… so I decided to write a sequel-ish thing. Nothing else I really need to say here. Ooh, thought of something. Ahem. Basically, this is a GUIDE. You don't have to follow it by heart or anything. I've read many fanfics that break these rules, but basically, you should try not to break all of them. It's okay if you maybe break one.

More things… grammar misspellings within the fic are for a reason.

That's it!

---Edward POV---

A few weeks after the insane writer left (hereby known as the Incident We Shall Never Speak Of), everything was back to normal. Alice was less hyper, Jasper didn't go emo or anything, Esme stopped getting high, Emmett grew some brains, and Rosalie started acting "normal"… whatever that means.

However, Bella had been acting a little odd lately. She hadn't been suddenly telling me she was pregnant or anything, but it was… weird. She had been disappearing into her room for hours at a time, and I could hear her laughing, or sometimes crying. I worried about her, but she always had some excuse- she got a funny e-mail from Renee, she was reading an article about a cancer victim, she stubbed her toe, whatever.

One particular afternoon, Bella locked me out of her room, claiming she needed "alone time". I was shocked, but spent the day hunting and annoying the rest of my family. When I got back, she was both crying and laughing. I was suspicious, but she waved me off. I slept with her, as usual, but kept wondering what she was keeping from me.

I soon noticed the glowing light on her computer and curiosity got the better of me. I turned the computer on, praying Bella wouldn't wake up. The email icon popped up immediately, flashing a new message. I clicked it, and it said she had a "Fanfiction Alert". Fanfiction… wasn't that where that weird girl said she was writing? I tensed and Bella muttered in her sleep… something about evil toasters of doom.

I clicked the glowing link and it took me to some site that I immediately recognized as the insane girl's page. I saw the story, the one with us in it called "Forbidden Love". I quickly read through it, grimacing.

I prepared to X the page out when I noticed another link… to the girl's other horrible tale, called "Forever Young". I shuddered, but clicked on the link once I saw it was the sequel to "Forbidden Love". It looked like Bella had already visited both. Oh dear.

I started reading the offensive fanfic. Lord save me.

_Forever Young_

_By xoxoxVampireLoveGoddessBellaChickAwesomexoxox_

_Edward cradled my hand in his as he slipped the ring on my finger. "I'll love you forever," he said softly._

I nodded approvingly. So far, so good.

"_Oh, Edward!" I cried taking his hand. The priest cleared his throat. "I mean, I do!"_

_We kissed and the wedding guests aplauded happilly._

_He swept me up in his arms and took me back to his house. He set me down on the couch._

"_Change me now," I pleaded when he looked away._

I growled. This Edward had as many problems as I did.

"_I'm sorry, Bella, but I can't do that!" he begged, looking deep into my eyes. "I can't take away your life. Even if we are married."_

_I turned away, sighing. "You don't love me."_

"_I do!" He kissed me deeply. I broke away first._

"_You promised."_

"_I can't," he pleaded again "And if you keep trying to convince me I'll leave."_

"_But why?" I cried._

"_To keep you safe. I can't do this to you." He disappeared._

"_Edward? Edward?" I shouted. But he was gone I fell to the floor._

I could only stare at the computer in shock. What the hell? Why would I leave Bella? What was wrong with this stupid person? Bella shifted in her sleep. I continued reading

_---------20 Years Later--------- _

_I stared at my beautiful face in the mirror, with my gorgeous topaz eyes. Topaz? you may ask. That's because I'm a vampire now. I had been for the past 19 years, since Victoria suddenly came back from the dead and changed me. She left me to die in the forest, and that's where Jeremiah and Marie found me. They were know my brothers and sisters. Along with Ally and Robert._

_Jeremiah and Ally were a couple, as were Robert and Marie. I felt sad that I lost Edward, but tried to get over it._

What. The. Hell. Bella felt… SAD? SAD? That was it?! What was with all the random characters? I scrolled down.

_Jeremiah could control the weather. Ally could change her appearance. Robert could fly. And Marie could read minds, like Edward. We still weren't sure what my power was._

And abruptly, the fanfic chapter ended. All that was left was an Author's Note at the bottom of the page.

_A/N: Hey guys! Hope you liked it… Edward leaving her made me cry, but I had to write it! Next chapter Bella turns goth/emo- hehe._

_And you'll get to meet Bela's new family YAY! Their powers will come in handy…._

_Also I'm putting Carlisle with Alice, Emmett with Esme, and Jasper with Rosalie. Sorry if you don't like it, but thye toadally belong together! EEEEEE!_

_Read and Review!_

Oh, I would certainly give her a review. I clicked the review button and typed out an anger rant of the reasons this fic was wrong. A few minutes later I got a reply. It said:

"What the hell? Are you just jealous or what? Everyone else said this fic was awesome. And you're not the grammar police. Who the hell are you to say what Edward or Bella would act like. Hello, it's called CREATIVE license. God!"

I smiled to myself and shut the computer down. I could always read the next chapter tomorrow. Fanfiction felt oddly… addictive.

A/N(real one): Hehe! Done! What you should NOT do in a fanfic.


	3. Random Romance aka Impossibilities

A/N: I'm trying to figure out what I didn't do in the other 2. Like… suddenly making Jacob imprint on Bella, and them falling in love with no rhyme or reason. I honestly don't have a problem with well-written JacobxBella, but here's an example of a badly written romance fic. I do realize this is rather stupid/short, but whatever... life is rather stupid/short. Any reviews, including flames, accepted! So even if you can't think of anything to say, just click the little review button... and put "nice" or something.

Bad Fanfiction… the threequel!

It was a month before the wedding. Bella slept softly, while Edward watched stalkerishly, as usual. Edward was musing about Bella's recent weird dreams. She kept muttering "Jacob" in her sleep. He stupidly wondered why. Just then Bella started mumbling.

"Jacob, I love you," she muttered. He stiffened. "I love you, Edward." He smiled. "I love you…" she paused. He listened intently. "Bananas…" she happily sighed.

The next morning, when he asked her what she was dreaming about, she just looked off in the distance and smiled. He was a little bit worried, but not overly so. He was worried when she told him she needed to talk to him and Jacob, but waved his concern off. What could go wrong?

"Bloodsucker," Jacob greeted him.

"Pup," he nodded back.

Bella paced the floor as they both watched her. She came to a stop in the middle of them. "I've made my choice," she said abruptly.

"But you already picked me-" Edward started. Jacob shushed him, his eyes huge as dinner plates.

"No, I'm sorry Edward, but I pick Jacob!" she squealed, running over and hugging Jacob. He gloated for a few minutes then stiffened.

"Get out of here," he snarled at Edward.

"I need to talk to Bella… alone," Edward glared reproachfully. Bella slipped away from Jacob's embrace and walked with him upstairs. When they were out of earshot, Edward began.

"What the hell?!" he asked in a hushed whisper. "I thought you loved me!"

"Well I love Jacob more, and he compulsively imprinted on me just yesterday," Bella answered coolly.

"But- but-" he sputtered. His tears of sorrow became ones of rage. "If I can't have you, no one can!" Edward cried, and bit her. She cried out in pain and fell to the floor.

"I'm sorry, love, but you _will_ love me," he whispered to the darkness.

For the next three days, Bella dreamed. Dreamed of the werewolf baby she was due to have in nine months. And when she woke up, changed, she would never be able to have Jacob's baby.

END FIC

A/N: See what I mean about what kind of twisted things people can write? Why just yesterday, I read a JasperxBella… shudders… ew.

But I'm getting off topic. Kudos to anyone who can name all the things terrible and wrong with this fic. Get into the habit of learning not to write obvious clichés or stupid scenes.

Trust me, the world will appreciate it. As will Edward.


	4. Bella Volturi

A/N: Okay, this isn't technically a part of Bad Fanfiction that I intended to write, I submitted this to Attack of the Cliches (by NotToBeMessedWith)… and she posted it, ehehehe! I just copied it over to here… Just wanted to post it for my cliché-loving reviewers!

**Volturi Bella**

Authored by yayme2012

Edward: Bella, I'm very sorry, but I... I have to leave.

Bella: What? Why?

Edward: I... I'm not sure...

--Edward leaves--

Bella: NO! My life is over!

--Bella goes to Volturi randomly--

Bella: Kill me! Because I just couldn't jump off a cliff myself!

Aro: You have so much potential; we'll turn you into a vampire instead!

--Aro bites Bella--

Bella: Argh! I hate you!

--50 years later--

Edward: I'm so depressed without Bella. I'll go kill myself.

Aro: But... Bella's alive! --plot twist-- (personal audience: -le gasp-)

Bella: Edward, I hate you! Boohoo! I'm now a heartless guard for the Volturi!

Edward: I left for your safety!

Bella: But... why?

Edward: Um, I dunno... but the point is, I love you!

Bella: Okay! Yay!

--Both skip off into sunset—

Aro: Damn, I lost my best guard!

--End fanfic--


	5. Emmett's Lust

Hello again… had another idea for Attack of the Cliches! Here goes:

---Emmett and Bella are sitting on the couch---

Emmett: "Hey, Bella? Can I ask you a question?"

Bella: "Sure!"

Emmett: "Do you love me?"

Bella: "Well, since I'm engaged to Edward, you have Rosalie, and you're a total retard, I'd have to say NO!

Emmett: "But… ANGER!"

---Emmett punches Bella, then rapes her---

Bella: "I hate you…"

---20 miles away---

Edward: "Mmmm, what a yummy lion!"

Alice: "I'm having a vision… Bella is in trouble!"

Edward: "Because I am overtaken by bloodlust, and am usually over protective, I'll continue hunting!"

Alice: "But Edward, you have to…. OOOH! A PURSE!"

---Back at the house---

Emmett: "I have miraculously recovered from my fit of rage! Hey, Bella?"

Bella: "Sniff… what?"

Emmett: "Take this pregnancy test!"

---Bella takes test---

Bella: "OMG! It's positive!"

Emmett: "But… how?"

Bella: "I don't know… the writer didn't tell me!"

---Edward comes back---

Bella: "Edward! I'm preggers!"

Edward: "We didn't sleep together, and I totally don't realize that Emmett did it with you, so I'll assume that the baby was born from the fire of our love!"

All: "Hooray!"

Edward: "And I'll raise it like my own!"

All: "Hooray again!"

--End fic--


	6. The Rabid Fangirls

A/N: Hope you guys are happy… at 1 am, this idea started haunting me. This is along the same plotline as ch's 1 and 2, but it's not placed after them. The title will give you a clue. XD

I don't think there are fanfic conventions, but whatever.

I think I have most of the signs of a fangirl… I own t-shirts, bought the charm bracelet with signature, constantly argue about fanfiction, scream when I see cars the characters own, and had a convo with my friend about how Bella is a burger. Don't ask; I'll post it later.

And I make a cameo in this chapter! (Guess who I am?)

The Rabid Fangirls

Edward POV

"Eddie, I'm bored," Bella whined, sitting in my car. We had been making out only moments earlier.

"Then let's go somewhere," I replied, pissed at her use of the name Eddie, which she had taken to use since reading various fanfiction where I am apparently called that.

"Let's call Alice!" I was shocked. Bella knew never, EVER call Alice when you're bored. It only resulted in makeovers. And pain. Before I could stop her, she dialed the house. I could hear both sides of the conversation.

"Hey, Alice, what do you see us doing today?"

"I see you… in a large room… with many people… with shirts with Edward's name on them?" Alice was confused, of course she had no idea that a book read by millions was about us.

"Okay, then!" Bella hung up the phone, satisfied.

"What-"

"We're going where all the lovers of Edward go." I gave her a confused look. "To a fanfiction convention." I gave her a horrified look. "But first we need disguises." I gave her a scared look. She advanced towards me with… a rubber nose?

--Scene Change--Woot--

We parked the car near the huge lecture hall. As we stepped out of the car, some girls gasped.

"A Volvo!" they screamed. "Just like Edward!" I rolled my eyes. Twilight fans. Typical.

"So, as I was saying, that's why Bella would gain the power of mind control." As we walked into the room, a couple dozen female heads looked up. I was nervous; would anyone see through our disguise? I quickly scanned their minds. Thank god! No one recognized us. We took a seat near the back and listened to the growing argument.

"Edward and Bella are forever!" one girl was screaming.

"Jacob is the right choice!" the other yelled back. I growled softly as Bella rubbed my back.

"Edward!"

"Jacob!"

"Edward!"

"Jacob!"

"Edward!"

"Jacob!"

"Bananas!" Everyone turned to stare at a short girl who was jumping up and down. She slowly blushed when she realized everyone was staring at her. There was a moment of awkward silence until she yelled "Edward!" Half of the room cheered.

As we watched, people got up and joined sides. The Edward side seemed to be much bigger, I noted with pleasure. But as people got braver, the Jacob pile grew. Soon the two sides were equal. Both groups turned to us. We were the tie-breaker.

I looked up at Bella with wide eyes. Without hesitation, she pulled me to the Edward side and I sighed in relief.

A woman who looked to be the master of ceremonies stood up. "Okay, now that that business is decided, we need to decide… should we stick with canon pairings?"

And the arguing continued.

--Scene Change--Woot--

"I told you, Bella would never become a guard for the Volturi!" I shook my fist in a girl's face.

"She could." Her eyes were hard and steely. We had a stare-off for what seemed like forever before Bella pulled me away.

"Listen, these fangirls are all bitches," she stated bluntly. I was shocked, but had to agree with her. "So let's make an announcement and blow this place." She whispered in my ear quickly. My face paled.

"We are never, ever, EVER doing that!" I was outraged.

"Fine, then, Mr. Smarty Pants, I'm not marrying you!" My face paled further.

"You wouldn't," I whispered. Some of the fangirls had started eavesdropping on our conversation.

"I would," she confirmed, and I hung my head in submission. She grinned and led me towards the front podium.

"Ahem!" Bella tapped the microphone with one finger and everyone cringed at the feedback. "Now that I've got you're attention, I have an announcement to make!" Everyone stood waiting for her announcement. "I'm Bella!" she said loudly, and everyone looked at her like she was crazy. "No, seriously, I'm Bella," she said again, and everyone continued to stare at her.

Someone's voice broke the silence. "Yeah, and I'm Aro!" The majority of the crowd shifted in their seats and stifled their laughter.

Bella was angry now. She looked at me for backup and pulled me onstage. "This, this right here, this is Edward!" she proclaimed.

"Sweetie, Twilight isn't real…" an older woman clucked, attempting to lead Bella away from the microphone.

"It is!" she cried, and pulled off our disguises.

"OMFC!" everyone gasped. A few fangirls started moving towards the podium. Bella was basking in the attention.

"Bella, we've got to go," I said quietly, pulling on her wrist. She ignored me. "Bella, we've got to go," I repeated in a louder voice. She looked up and noticed everyone in a zombie-like state straggling towards us. She was horrified. "Get on my back," I whispered. She climbed on and I zoomed towards the car. I sped out of the parking lot, and it was then I noticed the dozens of cars following us.

--Scene Change--Woot--

Alice POV

I heard the door slam open and Edward and Bella rushed in. Jasper and I jumped off the couch.

"They… they… they're coming…" Bella wheezed, out of breath.

"Who's coming?" Jasper asked, scared as well. Their emotions must be rubbing off.

"There's no time!" Edward yelled, running upstairs to pack.

"Who's coming?" Jasper repeated.

"We have to get moving!" Bella was running around the living room in a panic.

"WHO'S COMING?" Jasper roared.

"The… the…" she sputtered.

"The who?" I asked eagerly.

She sunk to the floor. "The fangirls…"


	7. Long AN and Bella the Burger

A/N: I know how y'all all hate author's notes chapters, but whatever… I enclosed with it a random convo of funnyness!

So let me get what I was going to say… please, please, PLEASE submit any ideas or suggestions for this fic. Have 2 or 3 more chapters in the works, but need more ideas! Always need more ideas.

Also, vote in my poll! You can change the world… or at least this fic.

I try to respond to every review I get. I do about 80 of them…

Our student dean is Satan. When I wore my Edward Cullen Fan Club Member shirt (Bite Me!) she made me take it off! Man, I hate retards.

Random Convo

Barrett: So… what's up with Edward in Chapter 1?

Me: What do you mean?

Barrett: He's all… ANGER… and all!

Me: That's because he wants to kill her.

Barrett: Okay then- wait, what?

Me: He wants to kill her.

Barrett: But, why???

Me: Because she smells good.

Barrett: So do the other people…

Me: But she smells better.

Barrett: I don't get it.

Me: Lemme see if I can put it in a way you'd understand… Okay, so you're at… McDonald's! So you're getting a veggie wrap or whatever- then you smell something reeeeeeeally good. And it's a burger!

Barrett: You're saying Bella is a… burger?

Me: Not just a burger! A delicious, juicy quarter-pounder with fresh lettuce, tomato, cheese, and pickles…

--salivates until she slaps me--

Me: Okay, well then, you're just minding your own business, but then, for some reason, you're right next to the burger. And it smells soooooo good. And you just want to eat it. BUT you can't! Because you're a vegetarian.

Barrett: Oh… but if he wanted to break his vegetarian-ism, he would have done it a long time ago.

Me: Think about it this way. Would you rather break your vegetarian-ism with a delicious burger… or a crappy McDonald's one.

Barrett: Okay then…

--later--

Me: drool I'm so hungry.

Barrett: And?

Me: I really want… a burger!

A/N: Okay, go vote in the poll I'm posting!

I'm working on 2 chapters at once, going as fast as I can!


	8. Damsel in Distress

A/N: Wow! You guys are great! Over 100 reviews! WOOT! But only 13 people voted in the poll… : (

Here is one of the bigger clichés: Bella gets kidnapped by some random vampire. And Edward rescues her. Wow! How original! Not.

Shout out to: S-dizzle and Blahkiko. You know who you are. Have a fun gangsta fight.

Coming up next: JxB (What If? kind) and Alice and Jasper reading fanfiction… hehe.

Damsel in Distress

Bella walked to the car humming to herself. It was quiet, eerily so, but Bella didn't notice. She needed to get home as soon as she could to see Edward, who was coming back from a hunting trip today. She shook her head as if to clear her thoughts, climbing into the front seat. But a cold hand stopped her.

"Hey, Edw-" She was cut off as a bag covered her head. Bella struggled futilely, and the vampire lifted her into the car next to hers.

"I will avenge my sister!" her kidnapper laughed evilly.

After Bella got the back off of her head, she asked, "Are you related to Victoria by any chance?"

"Maybe." The vampire drove her to an abandoned warehouse and locked her up. Bella beat on the window.

"Edward is coming to save me!" she cried. Then she sat down to wait.

--Over at the Cullen's--

Alice walked into the living room. Edward was sitting watching TV.

"Hey, where's Bella?" she asked robotically.

Edward's eyes were glued on the flashing commercial. "Oh, she just got stalked/kidnapped/raped/murdered by some sadistic vampire."

"What is this, the twelfth time?" Alice asked blankly.

"Fifteenth," he corrected her, turning back to the show. She picked up a fashion magazine.

"Since I totally can't predict where she is, let's just sit here and wait!" she said.

"Okay," he mumbled over the TV's annoying music.

--Back at the warehouse--

Bella was still sitting in the abandoned warehouse.

"Edward? Where are you? I'm really hungry… Edward?"


	9. AIM

A/N: Feel anxious… not to mention the fact that I'm due on stage in like three hours! Meep!

Now for AIM. This was actually hard to write. You see these most everywhere. They're OOC, and sometimes fun to read, but most of them are just reeeeeeeally boring.

Mainly just a filler chapter until I type up some longer ideas… SuperBella, JxB, etc.

_BellaBabe has logged on_

_VolvoVampire has logged on_

BellaBabe: hey eddie omg don't u love aim: )

VolvoVampire: What is this AIM that you speak of?

_LilMissPsychic has logged on_

LilMissPsychic: haha eddie's so dumb…

BellaBabe: rotfl

LilMissPyschic: i know! lol

VolvoVampire: I am confused…

BellaBabe: ed we're on aim, you talk through it

VolvoVampire: But… we're all in the same house!

LilMissPsychic: What's your point?

VolvoVampire: …never mind

_BearHug has logged on_

BearHug: hey guys!

BellaBabe: hey emmett

BearHug: how did u know it was me?

_Bloodredrose has logged on_

Bloodredrose: only my husband would have a girly name

LilMissPsychic: hahahaha

BellaBabe: laff at emmett!

Bloodredrose: hey bella. i've suddenly decided 2 b nice 2 u

BellaBabe: but…why?

Bloodredrose: for future plot purpose

VolvoVampire: ooooookay then

_Confed4life has logged on_

Confed4life: wassup guys: )

BearHug: theyre being mean 2 me…

VolvoVampire: So wanna go do something totally ooc that I would probably never suggest in real life? Like TPing Mike's house.

BearHug: hells yeah!

Confed4life: i'm in!

_VolvoVampire has logged off_

_BearHug has logged off_

_Confed4life has logged off_

LilMissPsychic: so… let's keep talking on aim!

BellaBabe: wow… we're losers

Bloodredrose: yeah…

_LilMissPsychic has logged off_

_BellaBabe has logged off_

_Bloodredrose has logged off_


	10. Forbidden Love and the Anger Rant

A/N: Yeah, I know I haven't updated. But guess what? I've had stuff to do in real life. And my computer crashed. But anyhoo, this is a two part chapter: one with a cliché, and one with an anger rant/ tips.

For the first part: You've all seen them. Bella and Edward have a daughter. Jake and no one have a son. They meet and suddenly fall in love. THESE ARE ALL CARBON COPIES OF EACH OTHER! Bella and Edward CANNOT have kids!

I shudder to read these. Except for AliceMakesMeLaugh's Lily's Twilight. Because Bella and Edward having a baby in that is actually plausible.

Forbidden Love

Bella's Daughter Annie: Like, OMG! I'm a vampire hybrid thing! Let's go to school!

--skips into Forks High with other annoying siblings--

Annie's sibling: Like, OMG! School is dumb considering we know all of this even though it's our first time through!

Annie: Like, OMG!

--Jake's son with generic name (such as John) bumps into her--

John: OMG! I am so so so sorry!

Annie: OMG! It's OK! Wait a sec… aren't you Jake's son?

John: Why, yes, I am!

--crowd gasps, and John randomly walks away--

Annie's sibling: You can't be friends with him! He's a werewolf!

Annie: But… we have a special connection.

Annie's sibling: Oh, okay. That's fine then.

--Annie walks into Biology. There are no seats left except next to John--

Annie: Hey, you smell really good, although Stephenie Meyer has mentioned thousands of times that werewolves smell bad to vampires.

John: Although I was friendly to you this morning, I hate you know because it took me three hours to realize that you're a vampire. However, I won't tell you.

--After school--

Annie: Boohoo! I'm going to commit suicide or do something equally stupid!

Bella: But… why?

Annie: Because a random guy I just met hates me!

--stabs herself--

Annie: Wait a sec… I'm a vamp hybrid! I can't die!

--Next day da skool--

John: I don't hate you anymore!

--crowd cheers--

Annie: Let's totally ditch school because we love each other!

--cue montage of them feeding each other ice cream, driving around town, and other romantic barfy things--

Edward: Since I am an overprotective husband and father, Annie, you can't date John!

Annie: But we luvvvvv each other!

Edward: But you can never be together!

Annie: But we are meant to be!

Bella: Wow, is this a flashback of Twilight, or what?

Both: Shut up!

Edward: Fine, I'll give him a chance, but if he screws up, I'm biting him.

Annie: But Dad…

Edward: I'm biting him.

--Both live happily clichedly after--

END FIC

For my second part: Is it just me, or are writers becoming whinier? Every single fic I read says something like this: Let's see if we can get 20 reviews for this chapter.

Face it people: you can't force readers to review. I could complain about how I only get 1 review per 200 hits, but I don't.

Even more annoying: Hey, I finished the whole story. I'll post more when people review.

THIS DOES NOT MAKE FANS HAPPY. It doesn't get you any more reviews. It doesn't make you a better writer. So then why do some people insist on keeping chapters hostage? Most NORMAL people post as they write --cough cough me cough cough--.

Here's an okay thing to put: R&R. This makes sense. Read and Review. What does not make sense is people to post an entire A/N chapter asking people to review.

The best way to get reviews is to ask a question, like What would Bella's vampire power be?

This encourages people to review, and gives authors ideas.

Another thing I could post a whole ranting chapter on: Flames. Flame flame flamity flame. How we love to flame.

Rookie writers just don't get the concept of flaming. If people want to flame, saying "no meen reviews plz!!!" is not going to stop them. If someone hates your story enough to flame it, your badly spelled sentence isn't going to make them stop and say "Oh, I should encourage this person to put their crap out onto the online world!"

For flaming practice, I recommend you go R&R Twila, the Girl who Waz in Luv wit a Vampyre (it's in my fave stories on my profile page).

So just think about this stuff. Please, for the sake of the world.

Rant over.

Question of the chapter: What cliché should I cover next?

Y-dizzle is out.


	11. JxB What If

A/N: Hello to my joyously joyous readers! Love all your reviews… Hope y'all are reading these looooooooong author notes.

There's **a poll** on my profile for this fic.

This is going to address one of the most obvious fanfics- **the JxB what if**. You've all seen them. The summary says something like: "What if Bella kissed Jacob in the car (before seeing Alice)? What if she didn't go to Volterra? What if she started a relationship with Jacob? What if Edward came back to Bella 20 years later? What if Bella was abused?" What if the author had no imagination whatsoever?

For us ExB lovers, this is torture, and for them JxB lovers, this is **BAD WRITING**. The first time it was written, it was good. But now… not so much. So here it is- sorry if Jacob scenes suck, I don't like writing him (or scenes with him) unless he's dead or something.

This chapter is dedicated to EclipseOfMyHeart.

JxB What If

BPOV

I leaned forward and kissed him. He was so unlike Edward. He was so… warm, and soft somehow. He filled every part of me, and I gasped, pulling him closer. He stiffened, and I looked up, confused.

"It's not safe here," he snarled, sniffing the air. He hastily turned the car around, flooring it towards La Push. I could only nod against his chest.

When we got there, he carried me towards the door, bridal-style. I giggled and carried me towards our new life.

--20 Years Later (omg, you totally didn't see this coming!)--

EPOV

"You know, you're gonna get over it, eventually." Rosalie's obnoxious voice came from the front of the car. I shook my head and stared straight forward numbly.

"Shut up, Rose." Emmett's usual booming voice was quiet for once. He gave her a dirty look as he pulled into our now empty house. The slams of the car doors opening were the only sounds in the woods. I robotically reached for the few bags I had and carried them up to my ex-room.

As the door creaked open, I breathed in the stale air. I hadn't been here since… I pushed away the memories quickly. I monotonously stacked my CD's on the huge shelves on the wall. As I bent down to get the last one, a piece of white on the carpet caught my eye.

It was a note, which I picked it up. It said:

"I'm sorry that I have to do this Edward, but I love you."

A suicide note. I fell to the floor and began sobbing. The remainder of my life was over.

--Later--

For some odd reason, I felt the need to go to the grocery store. Never mind that I should probably go have the Volturi kill me.

I pushed my cart through the aisles aimlessly. I was in the middle of the frozen foods section when a little boy ran into me.

"Sorry, mister," the toddler muttered, looking at the floor.

I opened my mouth to say that it was okay, and stiffened. I had smelled him. It smelled like lavender, or freesia… but woodsy somehow. Not in a bad way, but in an unsettling way. The only way this was possible was if…

A voice called over the shelves. "Anthony? Where are you?"

I caught my breath as Bella walked around the corner. She was so beautiful that I thought she was a vampire, but she smelled the same as always. She didn't spot me immediately; when she did her eyes hardened. I stood still as she called over to him.

"Anthony! Come here, please," she cooed. The little kid looked up at me, then walked over to his mother. She gave me a dirty look and walked away, holding her boy's hand.

I rushed after her, but she abandoned her full cart by the door and jumped into the car. She revved the engine and got away as fast as she could. I would have pursued her, but I could tell she wanted to be alone.

--Later--

It was three weeks later when Jacob ran into me. I was randomly walking through town yet again.

"You stay away from my wife, leech," he snarled. I semi automatically stepped back. He glared at me when I didn't answer.

I walked away humming. I should probably kill myself now.

I hurled myself off a cliff.

--Later (Bella POV)--

I couldn't believe he was dead. It was like all the clichés had come true! Sob.

I hurled myself off a cliff. It didn't matter that I hated him, currently had a husband, and had a 5 year old child.

--Later (Jake's POV)--

I couldn't believe she was dead.

I hurled myself off a cliff.

--Later(3rd person)--

Because all his relatives were dead, Anthony was put up for foster care. When he was 17, he randomly turned into a vampwolf (don't ask). And then he died.

A/N: Yeah, most of those fics don't end like that, but I wish they did. Too bad life doesn't work that way.


	12. Anna's On Crack

A/N: Have I ever told you about my friend on crack? Yeah, her name's Anna aka Mustard. We write wicked awesome fanfiction together, such as the Really Random series. She's like my muse… who hits her head on tables all the time (don't ask- actually, please ask, as it's a hilarious story). Anyhoo, she wrote me this scary fanfiction cliche… and summary of Eclipse. Don't hold it against me that she's nuts. On with the fic. I have written nothing after the next line…

-----

Eclipse Summary

Ok. So… There was an extremely sucky werewolf, so of course his name is Jacob because all extremely sucky werewolves have to be named Jacob. Or Sam. Or Quil. But they're only sucky, not extremely sucky. And Jacob's a main character. A CRAPPY main character.

SO there was also this girl named Bella… cause… it's a twilight fanfic, DOH!.

OOOOooooo ya… there's also a super-fine vampire named Edward. I'll call him Eddy --snicker snicker-- or Edwardo --hee hee snicker-- and they were in this fierce love triangle, except Eddy didn't like Jacob. At all. IN Fact, he wanted to kill him.

And Jacob didn't like Edward. He hated him with the fire of ten thousand sons. He was an emo-freak who cursed life. I'll call it EF.

So then a creepy vampire lady who's gone mentally insane starts stalking Bella. Then she bites a lot of people and turns them into vampires. Who then attack Bella. And she dies. The End.

Just kidding.

Eddy's family fights back and saves Bella! Woot! But then she abandons Jacob and is all like "you suck. Edwardo rocks."

And he's all like "boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo- Im gonna turn even more EF." Because he's not cool enough to be goth.

Then Bella becomes super slutty. THAT HOE. But then Eddy's all like, "Marry ME! I LOVE U FOREVR!" and she's like, "As long as we have fun, wink wink' and he's like "GOTCHA!"

MY STORY

Yay! My turn to write. So… yah… I'm not creative.

The world gets sucked into a black hole

And since vampires can't die they floated around in outer space forever.

Bella dies.

Edward tried to commit suicide by running into planets but forgot Jupiter was a gas planet. And failed.

Everyone else just fell asleep. And NEVER woke up.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

PURE EVIL!

-shrugs- It was bound to happen some day

The End

Just Kidding

Just Kidding about Just Kidding

That's A Lie

I lied about it being a lie that I was just kidding about just kidding

oO confused

Ill just go now.

urmom has signed off

----

A/N: Did I mention she's on crack? Yeah, I did. Oh well.


	13. Preview

Preview of next few chapters

1) Jasper(or Emmett)X Bella- wtf? Kind of similar to the rape category, but I can't count how many times I have read this:

"Oh, Bella, I love you!" Jasper said.

"Me too! But you have your wife and I have my fiancee!" she sighed.

Jasper starts making out with her. Edward comes in and cries.

"Oh well, I was cheating on Bella with Alice anyhoo!" He starts making out with Alice.

Esme comes in. "OMG! Even though you all are sluts, you are destined to be together! ILY!"

2) People who write: "Edward leaves Bella and she gets changed. She has 23 siblings and every vampire power imaginable. Then they meet again 20 years later. OMG! Read for more! I suck at summaries."

Edward would never leave Bella. She would never have every power and 23 siblings. And no one wants to hear that they "suck at summaries".

3) A continuation of the awful fic in chapter 2;

"OMG! Bella, will you take me back!" Edward begged.

"Of course!" I made out with him. Again.

"OMG! I AM VICTORIA RAISED FROM THE DEAD!" a voice screamed.

Ooh. A cliffy. I wonder what will happen.

4) Making Emmett and Rosalie overwhelmingly stupid

Emmett- "Haha! Even though I'm 70, I act like a 3-year-old child!"

Rose- "Yay! I'm super slutty!"

5) An explanation of my obsession with bananas

6) Some actual serious stuff (not posted under Bad Fanfiction of course!)

Just thought I should warn you of things to come.


	14. Forever Young aka Continuation of Chap 2

A/N: I know, I know, I haven't posted in a week.

It seems that every time I sit down to write a cliché, something comes up, like playing Okami (best game ever!), reading Deadline (best book ever, other than Twilight), and writing Twilight Shorts (best fanfic ever of mine, I hope), my new serious looooong project of oneshots, songfics, and drabbles. I'm spending so much time on so that it doesn't seem too rushed, as too many of my oneshots do… :(

God, I sound so full of my self in A/N's.

Sorry if this chapter is utter madness. My brain is fried from writing Really Random with Anna (my homegirl) and Mexi (my other homegirl!)

Continuation of Story in Chapter 2: Forever Young: the Most Overused Cliché Ever Written in the History of Clichés: Written In Script Format Because I Am Lazy

Bella: OMG, let's go to school!

--all skip in the Forks High--

Edward: Hm, that vampire reminds me of Bella. However, since she looks goth, she can't be.

Bella: Hey, Edward, guess who I am?

Edward: Is it… Tanya?

Bella: Nope.

Edward: Is it… Rosalie?

Bella: Nope.

Edward: Is it Esme?

Bella: Nope.

Edward: Is it Alice? OMG, it's totally Alice.

Bella: Nope.

Edward: That must mean… you're Bella!

Bella: Nope. I mean yup.

Bella's static sibling (hereby known as Robert): C'mon, I need to interrupt this reunion so we can have more filler.

--whisks Bella home--

Bella's other static sibling (hereby known as Ally): Who was that at school today?

Bella: Oh, just some guy.

Robert: What guy?

Bella: Oh, just the love of my life who broke my heart and made me turn goth.

Ally: Oh, okay then.

--Ally continues making pie for yayme2012--

Bella: Yeah, so I'm going to pretend like I hate him.

Robert: But…why?

Bella: Haven't you been listening? HE BROKE MY HEART!

--Bella makes everything explode within a three mile radius--

Ally: Dude.

--the next day at da shizzy skool--

Edward: Bella! I love you!

--Bella makes him explode, but he walks away unscathed--

Bella: You didn't explode! That must be a sign!

--both start making out--

Edward: Wow! Let's totally pretend that a million school children didn't see that happen!

Bella: What, us making out?

Edward: I was more of talking about the building explosion…

--both make out again--

Bella: Now I can finally give birth to our vampire children!

All: Hooray!


	15. Bella Powers

A/N: I know I haven't updated in a week. I have good reasons, some of which I'll name: my new kitty (Bella), my ex-kitty (Rosalie), my new story, Christmas, my life. But you don't want excuses, which is why I present the super special awesome Bella Powers Edition!

--no one cheers--

Another announcement: In case you haven't seen my profile page for updates, I'm working on two new stories, and as a result, most others are on hiatus OTHER than Bad Fanfiction. I'm still planning to continue this.

Bad Fanfiction: The Super Special Awesome Three Part Bella Powers Edition!

Super Bella

Bella: Lah di da di da, happy wedding day!

Edward: Hmm, I wonder what your vampire powers will be!

--foreshadowing!--

Bella: Well, let's find out!

--Edward bites her--

Edward: Shit! I hate myself again…

--3 weeks later--

Bella: I am finally awake!

Edward: Finally! It took you like three weeks!

Bella: It did? Wow, maybe because I was gaining super special awesome VAMPIRE POWERS!

--Bella strikes triumphant pose--

Edward: Okay, that's cool and all, but can we please have sex now?

Crowd: Lemon! Lemon! Lemon! Lemon!

Bella: Okie dokie!

--Insert long idiotic lemon here--

Edward: Wow, Bella, let's find out what your power are!

Bella: I knew you were going to say that! I saw the FUTURE!

--crowd gasps--

Edward: Guess what I'm thinking…

Bella: MOUNTAIN LION!

Edward: Wow, you got it! You must be able to read my mind!

Emmett: But you think about that all the time!

Edward: So? She doesn't know that…

--1 hour later--

Edward: So, let's see, you have mind reading, future seeing, mind control, super speed, x-ray vision, flight, ability to get pregnant, emotion control, wolf form, and super beauty! You must be the most awesome superhero in the world, destined to save vampire kind!

Bella: Wait a sec, I think I have another ability!

Edward: And what would that be?

--Bella blows up--

Edward: No, my love! I can't live without her!

Munchkins: Ding dong, the witch is dead…

Alice: I'm… I'm so sorry, Edward. I didn't see that she was going to blow up. I don't know how you'll cope with this...

Edward: No, I was talking about the piano! When she blew up, it exploded!

--Edward cries himself to sleep--

Edward: So, wanna get some smoothies?

Cullens: Hooray!

Babies v. 1.0 (the MOST common)

Bella: Hey, Edward, I'm changed, you know what that means!

Edward: SEX SEX SEX SEX!

Bella: Wow, I didn't know you were that excited!

Narrator: And so, the next day…

Bella: Omigosh, Edward, I'm preggers!

Edward: No frickin way! You can't have babies!

Bella: Well, I did, get used to it.

Edward: This must be your power!

Bella (sarcastically): Pregnancy. Best power ever. I'm so excited.

--two months later--

Edward: Our vampire children are so cute!

Author: Like, omg, I'm writing a sequel!

(see Forbidden Love for clichéd sequel)

Supernatural Creature

Bella: So Edward, it's time to change me!

Edward: Okay!

--usual, overdone vampire change scene--

Edward: Bella…

Bella: What?

Edward: You have wings!

Bella: I must be an angel!

Edward: Oh yeah, you also have a beak!

Bella: Then I'm a beautiful bird!

Edward: No, you look more like a chicken!

Random dude: I am a mystical vampire… the fire of your love was so strong, it turned Bella into a chicken!

Edward: Yipee!

Bella: I'm a magical chicken!


	16. Resolutions

New Year's Resolutions that I Will Most Likely Break Within A Week, and All of Which I Have Done in the Past Year

Mostly Composed of Inside Jokes

A Cliched List

1. I will not anonymously flame my friend's story because I am jealous.

2. I will not run down hallways screaming, "Sirius is dead and Jacob sucks!" to piss off Naasha and give people more reasons to commit me to an asylum.

3. I will not attempt to summarize Twilight to my non-obsessed friends.

4. I will not try to convert Sofia to Twilight-ism.

5. I will stop asking Christina if she wants a hot, juicy burger.

6. I will stop yelling, "Little ugly Baker say what? OH!"

7. When I quit basketball, I will not tell my coach she is a faggot, or that I'd rather be writing fanfiction.

8. I will try to the vicious cycle of evil with Kelsey.

9. I will stop quoting Twilight, Will Ferrell, and Micheal Cera at inappropriate moments.

10. I will stop trying to steal Ms. Hasson's easy button.

11. I will stop trying to steal Ms. Hasson's Patrick Dempsey Doll.

11. I will stop trying to steal Ms. Hasson's old people candy.

11. I will stop trying to steal Ms. Hasson's stuff, period.

11. I will stop confusing people by having 5 11s.

11. I will stop referring to myself in third person.

12. I will write my damn essay.

13. I will update this regularly.

14. I will try to update All Over Again regularly.

15. I will stop stroking my Kyle XY calendar. He's just so hot!

16. I will stop trying to have an intelligent conversation with the rich ditzes that go to my school.

17. I will back up my files, so I don't lose every thing I work on and cry till the Cave saves it.

18. I will stop referring to Anna as "on crack".

19. I will stop throwing Bella (my kitten) across the room and screaming, "Ohmagod, she bit me! Stupid vampire cat!"

20. I will stop drinking juice boxes.

21. I will take down every single reference to High School Musical that is hiding in my room.

22. I will take every chance I get to reinforce the stereotype that all private school kids are snobs.

23. I will post more random fanfiction. (Should I post Really Random 3, my newest Twilight crossover, on Bad Fanfiction? Tell me what you think in a review.)

24. I will stop trying to make a Twilight Gingerbread house, with George Washington. It didn't work the first time, it won't work the second time.

25. I will pretend to not hate Zoe.

26. I will stop sounding full of myself in A/N's.

27. I will not tell Charlotte repeatedly that Robert Pattinson is hotter than Henry Cavill (he so is!)

28. I will stop having random conversations via PM when I'm supposed to be working or writing.

29. I will stop watching reruns of Kyle XY on my iPod while I wait for the new season.

30. I will stop singing along to Hannah Montana.

31. I will stop making fun of emo kids.

32. I will stop telling my Mom she sucks.

33. I will take down my Christmas decorations.

34. I will stop performing improv bikini skits in Speech.

35. And finally, I will cure my addiction to fanfiction.

That all being said, probably the opposite will happen. So enjoy my randomosity, and take advantage of it! Grab life by the horns. Like that Red Bull commercial.

Oh, wait, that one is Red Bull Gives You Wings.

So grab life by the horns. Like Ford. Or Mazda. Or Dodge, or whatever.

Update: At 12:01 am January 1st, my new fic (All Over Again) will be published, successfully making it the first story of 2008… so stay tuned!

Shit, I am full of myself.


	17. Bonus: Child Support

A/N: Inspired by Holli-Loves-Edward. She's getting a fortune in child support. Spawned by "he was born from the fire of our love!" A little New Year's Bonus

Child Support

_Ding-dong_. "I'll get it!" I called, but there was no answer. Edward was taking a long time to hunt today. The Cullen house sure seemed empty with nobody home.

I opened the door. The mail was sitting in a stack at my feet. Carrying it to the table, I sorted through it. Bills, bills, catalogue, bills, magazine, bills, bills, package, letter, bills… what's this? I held the two incriminating pieces of paper up to the light. What the hell…?

---

Edward stepped inside smoothly. He hung his jacket neatly on the shelf and turned to face me. I almost lost my train of thought. _Concentrate, Bella._

"What's this?" I held the two letters out to him. His eyes shifted from side to side, and he reached out to grab it.

"Oh, nothing," Edward said, attempting to take it from me. I held it back farther.

"Oh, really?" I told him. "Yayme2012? Holli-Loves-Edward?" I read from the letter, "If these aren't strippers I don't know what they are!"

"Bella, it's not like that, I swear." He sounded defensive. Then I remembered how good a liar he was.

"Let me guess! These relationships are going so far that she even addresses mail as Holli-Loves-Edward?" I was spiteful.

"You can't just go through my mail! That's a crime! What would Charlie say?"

"Don't try to distract me! Something is going on here, and I'm going to find out."

"They're just… they're just work friends," he stuttered out. I didn't believe it for one second.

"Edward." I pinched the bridge of my nose. Yay! I took Edward's signature anger move! "You don't work."

"Right," he said, missing a beat.

"So? You're cheating on me, then!"

"I told you, it's not what it looks like!"

"Then what is it?"

"It's… it's… it's child support money, okay!" He broke down into tears of venom. He looked so pitiful that I wanted to comfort him. Then something dawned on me.

"So you did cheat on me!" Stupid vampire player.

"But, but, but, it was the fire of our love!" Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before.

"Oh, really, then why am I not pregnant?" If he says he doesn't love me, then I swear to God I'll…

"I don't want to discuss this right now." He walked out of the room.

"Oh, yeah, were you really hunting today? Eh? EH?" I broke down into tears. Then something else dawned on me. "Yay! I have stepchildren!"


	18. Typical High School and RR

A/N: Nothing I really need to say, except go read All Over Again (my new fic)!

Or better yet, keep reading this. Some of this was actually taken from stuff I have read.

Disclaimer: I don't know if I've told you before… but I secretly own Twilight.

Again, none of these are personal attacks, unless I say so.

Typical High School

Summary: Edward was a jock. Bella was a nerd. But they had a speshul connection. Human AU better than it sounds plz read lol.

Chapter 1

BPov

"Edward Masen is staring at you," my bffl Alice giggled.

"Oh really," I said, and thought about how beautiful he was. But then I remembered how annoying he was, always dumping girls. Then he came up to us.

"Hey," he told me, and I almost squealed, but I ignored him. But then I felt it- the speshul connection.

"Our love is something deep," I told him, even though we have only had one conversation.

"Yes!" he said, and we leaped off into the sunset with Alice and Jasper, and Emmett and Rosalie, because they were now couples too, lol.

Chapter 2

EPov

"We really are in love," I told her. Then I went to gym. The guys and I were joking around in the locker room, then I suddenly became homo and made out with them.

Bella was pretty pissed, but she understood and was my best man at my wedding. THE END! (eh, gay Edward is awesome! Sorry if this wasn't very funny… just a little filler)

Here is a tidbit of Really Random for you all to see if I should post the rest of it on here.

Me in normal, **Anna the crackhead in bold, **_Mexi the sexy in italics_

So, Edward came back home and gave Willis the food he was supposed to buy.

"Hey, did you know that your girlfriend got hit by a car and then got saved by a random guy in a green jumpsuit?" she asked him.

"What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" he shrieked. "Saving her is my job!"

He ran after Lee in the youthful sunset.

Meanwhiles, Bella was sobbing. "Why does everyone have to leave me?" she cried. "First Edward, then Jacob, now my new love, Rock Lee!"

Willis drove up in her old, old car. "By the way, Edward just left you."

"What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" she shrieked.

"Don't shoot the messenger," Willis muttered, and then she drove off.

**And then Bella locked herself up in her room, became emo, and cut herself 12 times!!! And then when the sun **_**actually**_** set at around sun-setting time at night, Edward and Rock-Lee came back to Forks, a new found friendship. They both went to look for Bella but she wouldn't let them in her room. Then they ran away and eloped. THE END.**

_NOT!?! Then Sasuke came and challenged Bella to an emo contest. They slit their wrists, made bad songs, talked about their 'feelings', but at the end, Sasuke won. From that day forward, Bella became Goth and ate only pie, chocolate, ice cream, raw meat, and cheese. She only listened to heavy metal and rap and beat up kids._

_Then one day, Edward was like "Bella, stop being goth, it doesn't work with u" and Bella was like, "Screw u, I'm going fishing." and went to fish with Jacob and Gaara, but as soon as they got there, Gaara and Jacob were swallowed but a giant walrus. She was sad once more. Then she…….._

Ate more raw meat! Through eating so much raw meat, she turned into a vampire!

So years later, she meets up with gay Edward.

"Wow, darling, you look absolutely FABULOUS!" he squealed.

"Wanna pretend like I'm totally over you?"

"Sure!" So they hopped in the Emomobile and flew south for the winter.

Suddenly Alice popped out of nowhere. "Hey! I've recruited Sakura and now we're the Annoying Squad!" Both scream in joyness.

"Come, Bella, we must shop! You look terrible in black!" Alice dragged her to stores, where the author proceeded to describe every single piece of clothing she tried on even though it had absolutely no effect on the plot.

**Which only made Bella hate the clothes even more, so when she got home she stuck everything she bought in a bath tub full of black die. Then Charlie accidentally knocked the Bleach into the bathtub and turned it all white. "NOOoOoOoOoOoOoooOOo?!?!?!" Bella screamed, life had betrayed her there was no point in living. Her eyes glistened as tear after tear fell on her face. She felt the time passing, but couldn't make herself move, she had no reason to live, she was forever changed, she was unnecessary space on this earth. Pulling open the window, she jumped, feeling the wind catch against her. Then she sprouted wings and flew to Never never land….. **

A/N: So, are my friends and I weird or what? Naruto and Twilight do not make a good combination…


	19. Writer's Block

A/N: I am completely, totally aware that last chapter was random/stupid.

To compensate, I have two things: a tidbit of information, and a list.

The info: I know Edward's stunt double. It's my friend's brother's best friend… don't ask. All the next info is courtesy of my friend, who can get things wrong, so don't shout at me. Anyhoo, they have either filmed Port Angeles or The Meadow. They are shooting in Hollywood. Robert Pattinson was too lazy to come film (he's in Europe or something) so his stunt double has filmed a lot of the non-talking takes.

And- he can possibly get me autographs :)

On with the list (ripped off/ inspired from… someone who had a ranty fic similar to this)

\m/( . )\m/

ROCK ON!

How to Get Writer's Block

1. Sit at your computer, but don't open Word. Just sit and stare at the blank screen.

2. Reread your least favorite parts of Twilight.

3. Don't listen to any music.

4. Better yet, only listen to Europop, techno, and rap.

5. If you hear anything other than those types of music, crush the offensive noise into oblivion.

6. If it happens to be your iPod, go ahead.

7. If you're over 21, drink. All day and all night.

8. If you're under 21, drink. All day and all night.

9. If you feel sober, drink some more.

10. Go shopping and look at things you can't afford. When you leave, think, "Alice would have bought that."

11. Watch Japanese Anime (not redubbed) that you can't understand.

12. Wake up an hour earlier than you need to.

13. Constantly remind people what a loser you are.

14. Wear black every day, but say that you AREN'T goth.

15. Join sports you have no idea how to play

16. If you're writing a specific story, don't read any similar ones.

17. Instead, read Mary-Sue's, and dream of writing your own.

18. Burn copies of New Moon.

19. Never exercise.

20. Be like Jared (the Subway guy) pre-Subway diet.

21. Read travel magazines for places you never want to visit.

22. Buy a large expensive thing, and purposely put it in a place most likely to get broken.

23. When it breaks, complain about how miserable your life is.

24. Buy a new, large expensive thing, and put in the same place.

25. Read depressing poems.

26. Watch the news attentively when they talk about homicide cases.

27. Devote your life to reading your science textbook cover to cover.

28. When you finish, reread it.

29. Repeat step 28 for at least five years.

30. Constantly insert newly learned scientific information into your fic.

31. Whenever you think of a new plotline, idea, or scene, dismiss it as unimportant and forget about it.

32. Later, complain about the fact that you forgot it, and drown your sorrows in angsty profile posts.

33. Constantly check your email for new reviews.

34. This works especially well if you haven't posted any stories.

35. Drag out your old work and critique it harshly.

36. Post it with various disclaimers that it sucks.

37. Hold chapters hostage.

38. When in doubt, say no. No matter what the issue is. Just say it.

39. Never ask anyone for help.

40. Ever.

41. If someone asks if you want help, yell, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!" and run away.

42. This works especially well if it's in a crowded store.

43. Spam mail Congress.

44. Talk about global warming.

45. Constantly.

46. Inform SUV owners that they are destroying the world.

47. Attempt to write a fic that breaks all the rules of good fanfiction.

48. Post it.

49. Convince yourself that it's the best fic EVER written, and react accordingly when someone flames you.

50. Finally, drink coffee. With crack mixed in.

Okay, so you've seen the list, and _hopefully _had a good laugh. So, to get rid of writer's block, don't do any of the above steps. Or do. Then you'll have something to write about.

But, seriously, to get rid of writer's block, go for a run. Listen to music. Relax. Go new places. Whatever inspired you to write the fic, revisit it. Do something creative.

New chapters of everything will come within the next few weeks. School sucks, but it's necessary. Or so they tell me.


	20. Battle of the Exes

A/N: So, this came to me while talking with HouseMDLove (my real life friend) and we were talking about recent powers fanfics. And a certain kind of fic came to mind… c'mon, you all know you've seen it. Not a personal attack, again.

Disclaimer: If I owned it, would it be on I think not.

Battle of the Exes

Edward: So, Bella, now that you're changed…

Bella: We can finally live happily ever after!

Edward: Um… no.

Bella: But… why?

Edward: Haha, just kidding!

Bella: Oh, okay.

--Bella leaves to hunt--

Edward: I wasn't kidding.

Carlisle: Say what?

Alice: I just had a vision. Tanya/random OC vampire is coming to visit!

--ominous thunder crash--

Carlisle: And this is a problem why?

Edward: She's… my ex.

--more ominous thunder crashes--

Carlisle: So? She's not gonna care.

Edward: You don't know her like I do… she'll attack Bella!

Carlisle: Ya know, you're REALLY full of your self.

--door slams open--

Tanya/Random Sexy Vamp (RSV): Hello…Eddie.

Edward: You used my pet name! You must love me!

--both make out--

Bella: Oh, Edward- gasp! What is the meaning of this?

Edward: Bella, it's not like that, I swear!

Tanya/RSV: I was his ex… until recently!

Edward: No, that's not true!

Bella: Because of my low self esteem, I don't believe you! Sniffle!

--Bella runs away--

Tanya/RSV: Omfg, let's make out again!

--days/weeks/months/years later--

Bella: Boohoo. I'm an emo kid.

Edward: My love!

Bella: Where did you come from?

Edward: Oh, nowhere. But the point is, Tanya/RSV was controlling me! I didn't make out with her freely!

Bella: You mean she was controlling your mind? GASP!

Edward: Will she see through my shallow excuse?

Bella: What? Excuse? Edward, who are you talking to?

Edward: --in sing song voice-- Nothing. Anyhoo, we need to go kill her!

Bella: Couldn't you just kick her out?

Edward: That would be impolite. And Edward the Gentlemen is always polite!

Bella: Okay! Let's go!

--both run across the country to the Cullen mansion--

Tanya/RSV: Hey, Eddie, what took you so long?

Edward: I hate you! You controlled my mind, separated me n Bella, and you call me EDDIE! GAH!

Tanya/RSV: I may have done those other things, but I never controlled you.

Bella: You lied to me?

Edward: Sweetie, don't listen to the crazy lady. Now smite her!

--Bella summons up a bolt of lightning and smites her--

Edward: Now that my other love interest is in flames, we can get together again!

Bella: And I can continue chipping away at my already nonexistent self-esteem!

All: HOORAY!

A/N: Another happy yayme2012 ending. Gotta love that sarcasm.


	21. Vampwolf Potato

A/N: Yeah, I know! 2 in one day! Yippee!

Yet another one inspired by my friend HouseMDLove, while talking about what to put next in her recent fic, You Betrayed Me. Please… don't ask about the state of our sanity.

Vampwolf

Edward: OMC! Bella!

Bella: OMC! What?

Edward: OMC! Bella!

Bella: OMC! What?

Edward: OMC! Bella!

Bella: OMC! What?

Edward: I'm going to change you!

Bella: Umkay.

--Edward bites her--

Bella: Ow! My fact that I was alive a second ago! (another TGS reference!)

--3 days later--

Edward: Now you're a beautiful vampire…

Bella: That hurt!

Edward: Told ya so.

Bella: It hurt more than the usual change!

Edward: How would you know?

Bella: Good point.

Carlisle: Bella… you must be… a vampwolf!

All: …?

Carlisle: For some odd, obscure reason, your vampire power is to change into a wolf!

Bella: But… that doesn't even make any sense.

Carlisle: Blame the writer's strike.

--Carlisle suddenly disappears--

Esme: That was weird.

Edward: Anyhoo, let's continue with our boring lives.

--doot do doo, insert cheesy vampire lemon here, doot do doo--

Jacob: 'Tis I! The ugly werewolf!

Edward: Gah! 'Tis him! Bella! I'm suddenly paralyzed! Do something!

Bella: Wolf power… activate!

--nothing happens--

Bella: Wolf power… activate!

--still, nothing happens--

Bella: F-cking wolf power! Just go already, dammit!

--Bella explodes, then shrinks--

Edward: …?

Jacob: …?

All: …?

Carlisle: It appears poor Bella has turned into a potato.

Esme: Oh dear. Hey, you're back!

--Carlisle suddenly disappears again--

Potato Bella: Help me! Help me!

Jacob: Do you hear anything?

Edward: Nope.

Jacob: So… Bella's dead?

Edward: Yep, pretty much.

Potato Bella: Edward, the fire of our love… if you kiss me, I will live again!

Jacob: I could swear I heard something.

Edward: I don't.

--later, at Emily's--

Sam: Mmmm, these mashed potatoes are really good! What'd you put in them?

Emily: I dunno, Jacob brought the potatoes…

Embry: Mmm, tastes like vampire!

A/N: Couldn't resist adding some Embry. Hoped it was funny.


	22. ASPCA

**A/N: Thank you so much, Holli-Loves-Edward… you spark the most hilarious discussions! **

**After rekindling the firey-love of our firey-love children, she brought up our next topic: me spamming Steph till she gives me Ed's number.**

**So, off to Holli:**

Anyways... I can just imagine someone like calling Stephenie Meyer and being

like:

Stephenie: Hello?

Random Crazed Stalker Fan: Is this Mrs. Stephenie (insert middle name here)

Meyer that was born on (insert date here) and whose parents are named (insert

parents' names here)?

Stephenie: Um, yes?

Random Crazed Stalker Fan: Ma'am, I'm going to need you to hand over the

contact information for a Mr. (pretends to read name off of a piece of paper)

Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

Stephenie: Excuse me?

RCSF: The contact information for Mr. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, I need you

to give it to me. His date of birth, his current address, does he wear boxers

or briefs, his social security number, the address of his current

girlfriend... Things like that.

Stephenie: Why would you need to know if he wears boxers or briefs? And why

do you need the address of his current girlfriend?

RCSF: The first is just a... security measure. The second is... Ma'am, I'm

not at liberty to discuss this with you.

Stephenie: Okay.

RCSF: WHERE WERE YOU ON THE SEVENTH OF JANUARY?

Stephenie: At a book-signing...

RCSF: A LIKELY STORY!

Stephenie: I'm going to hang up now.

RCSF: Ma'am, if you hang up, I'm going to have to send the ASPCA in...

Stephenie: Isn't that the Association for the Prevention of Cruelty for

Animals?

RCSF: Umm... no... it's the Association for the Protection of Cranberries and

Apples... (Sets down cup of CranApple juice)

Stephenie: Then why do you need Edward Cullen's contact information.

RCSF: We would like him to be the... poster boy for the prevention of abuse

of apples and cranberries. He look like he enjoys fruit.

Stephenie: Right, bye now!

RCSF: Are you questioning my authority? I'll send the ASPCA Recon Squad in...

with Cherry bombs made of actual cherries!

Stephenie: Doesn't that defeat the whole "Prevention of Cruelty to Fruit"

thing?

RCSF: GIVE ME THE INFORMATION NOW!

Line goes dead..

RCSF: (Turns around to look at room full of other RCSFs...) OMG! I TALKED TO

STEPHENIE MEYER! Now we can begin the ceremonial sacrificing of the stuffed

Mountain Lion in honor of Edward Cullen... (Holds up a can of gas and a

lighter!)

Wow, that got out of hand...

**A/N: Which made me reply:**

I can imagine another scene! HA!

Jacob: Doot do doo, being an angsty vampire… ooh, the doorbell's ringing!

--he skips to the door--

Fangirls: Get him!

--they pelt him with cranberries--

Jacob: Haha, that doesn't hurt!

--yayme2012 brings out her watermelon canon--

Jacob: Oh sh-

And Jacob was no more.

How I wished this was true… :( Alas, the ugly werewolf lives on.


	23. Truth or Dare

A/N: Truth or Dare. Ah, a beautiful thing. Except in Twilight fanfiction.

Funny story about stranger danger… we yelled that at our director during our choir trip… and she almost got arrested at the airport, lol.

Probably not one of my funniest. Please, please read my other stories. I feel I get a lot of love on this; not so much on serious stuff.

Question: Which chapter do you think is funniest out of the whole fic?

Also, what clichés do you want the most?

Truth or Dare Turned Tragic

Jacob: Ah, what a lovely day…

--car screeches up--

Edward: Get in the car, wolf.

Jacob: Ah! Scary man! Mommy said not to talk to strangers…

Edward: I said-

Jacob: Stranger danger! Stranger danger!

Bella: Just get in.

Jacob: Ooh! Bella!

--jumps in car--

Jacob: So what's up?

Edward: We're kidnapping you.

Alice: To play Truth or Dare!

Jacob: O.o

Rosalie: Yah, we're just going to pretend to be friends now! I totally don't hate you, Bella and Jacob.

Everyone: O.o

Emmett: Okay, let's get this game on the road! Although it is expressed in Twilight that I love my family, I will break Bella and Eddie up by forcing her to make out with Jacob!

--Bella drools for a moment. Eddie pretends not to notice.--

Jacob: If you're uncomfortable, you don't need to make out with me…

Bella: No, no, I will.

Jacob: You really don't have to-

--they make out--

Edward: You're cheating on me!

Bella: I swear, it's not like that!

Rosalie: To prove your love, I dare you to make out with Edward!

--they make out--

Jacob: That's it! I'm leaving!

--Jacob leaves--

Alice: One down, seven to go…

Edward: What was that???

Alice: Oh, nothing…

Jasper: Anyhoo, let's focus the entire game on screwing up Eddie's self control!

Emmett: And bothering Mike!

Rosalie: Because we obviously have nothing better to do!

--Jasper shoots waves of lust at Bella and Eddie--

Bella: Oh, Edward…

Edward: Oh, Bella…

Both: Let's not wait!

--insert cheesy, OOC, out of place lemon here--

Bella: Although that sex scene had no place in a truth or dare fic, that was fun!

Jasper: Youse guys! We need to focus on much more serious business!

All(in singsong voice): What's that, Jasper?

Jasper: Bothering Mike!

Rosalie: Emmett, I dare you to jump out at Mike from the closet!

Emmett: Okey dokey!

--zips over to Newton residence and hides in the closet--

Mike: Doot do doo, gettin' my bathrobe from my closet…

--Emmett jumps out--

Mike: Gah! Creepy stalker!

Emmett: Gah! Ugly naked human!

Mike: What… what the… you pervert! Stalker!

Emmett: No, it's not like that at all. You see, I was dared to-

Mike: OH! I GET IT! Your jumping out of the closet symbolizes that you're gay too, and you want to be my lover!

Emmett: No! No! GAH! Bad mental picture!

--Mike, still naked, tries to hug him--

Emmett: Gah! Get away!

--Emmett runs away, leaving Mike hugging air--

Mike: I thought what we had was special!

Carlisle: That's what he said to Eric, too…

Mike: Eric! He steals my lover! Wait a sec, where did you come from?

Carlisle: You didn't see anything!

Mike: What the…

Carlisle: Blame the writer's strike!

--Carlisle disappears--

Mike: I knew I shouldn't have had all that sugar today…

--back in the Cullen car--

Alice: Truth or dare?

Bella: Because I am a wimp, truth!

Alice: How far have you gone with Edward?

Bella: Didn't you pay any attention to the lemon?

Alice: Oh, right…

Rosalie: Omg, guess what, the Volturi are coming to play Truth or Dare with us!

Aro: Yep! Let's pretend to be friends!

Edward: Déjà vu…

Jasper: I want out of this fic…

Mike: Emmett, why did you leave me?!


	24. Challenge!

Okay, guys, listen up. I'm gonna get in full-on Colbert mode here, so get ready.

This one review I had got me thinking- I'm really dissing those fics out there. The ones whose authors stay up late at night editing and re-editing their stories, only to be flamed on their unoriginality. These writers use their gut. Maybe not their minds, but at least their gut.

This fic is not the truth. It is the Truth. What I think is the truth. That Twilight Fanfiction is taking a turn for the cliché, through Edward leaving dramas and Pregnant Bella impossibilities.

But some cliché writers really try hard. Like, REALLY hard. To make their OC's believable, their story lines true. The majority don't, but some do. So I'm asking you to be that minority.

I challenge you- no, I _dare _you- to write one of these clichés.

You may be thinking, "Oh, but people have already done that, and some are good!" Yeah, there are exceptions. I hate most QuilxClaire's, except for Alice laughed's ones. Why? Cause it makes sense. Cause it's sweet and funny.

So. My challenge is: Write a believable Bella x Banana (or something equally ridiculous). Let me cry for the banana. Let me cheer as Bella and the Banana get together. Let me scream and yell as their rebellious vampire-banana son bites a human. Or whatever.

The rules: None really. Bella x Banana (or Bella x Mike, or Bella x Apple, or Bella x Penguin, or anything else you can think of)

Send funny or serious ones. Write it as a fic (with "yayme2012 challenge" in the summary) and tell me in a review or PM. I'll set up a poll for all of them.

Good luck,

yayme2012

PS I'll have a REAL update by the weekend. Just you wait.


	25. Announcement and New Moon

**A/N: Yeah, I know, much sooner update than you'd expect. Haha...my comp went to the great big tech support in the sky. I know: just an announcement, but it also has a funny part, so that's A-Okay.**

**Okay, two things to check out: My new poll (on profile) on what cliche to do next (also submit suggestions here!)**

**And the entries. It's in a C2 Community: BellaxBanana Challenge! Find it via my profile. Entries are open till January 31 at 11:59 pm. On Feb 1, I'll put a poll up for voting! Winner gets... a cookie. And I'll post their story here. And praise it forever.**

**This gem of hilariosity is from IsabellaMarieCullen3214. Ripped from her with permission of course.**

Edward: I suck. I'm the most worthless bring on the face of the world. I love Bella, so I ran away cause I'm terrified of 'What if's?' and want to see how long I can stay away before one of us becomes emo or suicidal. Hmm. . . . I bet Bella would look hot in black. . .

-Phone rings-

Edward: Grrr. . . I don't want to talk to who ever this is. Of course, I didn't have to answer the phone, but I don't care.

Rosalie: Whatever. Just wanted to tell you what's up. Emmett played a prank on Esme and 'redecorated' the living room, and Esme screamed at him for, like, a week. And Carlisle is teaching a med class, and it's made him reconsider not killing humans. Oh yeah, before I forget, Bella killed herself caused she was uber depressed and it's all your fault. Well, got to go!

Edward: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

–Runs off to Italy and ask volturi to die-

Aro: sure, whatever. I don't care.

Writer: Wait! No, check your script again!!

Aro: But why should I care if he's emo and suicidal?

Writer: Read. The. Script.

Aro: But-

Writer: DO YOU WANT TO BE $$& FIRED?!?!?! READ THE #$& SCRIPT!!

Aro: Fine. . . No Edward, it would be _wasteful _to kill you. Join the Volturi or you die.

Edward: I'LL NEVER JOIN!! Fight the man!!

Writer: Edward, that's not your line.

Edward: But, I thought I was suicidal. . .

Writer: Does it look like I care?

Edward: -takes out script- Goodbye. –walks out- Ok, now what should I do to get the Volturi to kill me? Hmm. . . –begins to ponder-

Writer: This could take awhile folks. . .

Meanwhile. . .

Bella: Oh Alice! I'm so scared! If we don't save emo Edward, then I'm going to really kill myself, like how you saw me jump off a cliff and thought I killed myself even though I wasn't really trying to kill myself although I am insane cause I hear the voice of my true love who got bored cause I'm clingy and have virtually no self esteem and dumped me-

Alice: Will you shut up?! God, no wonder Ed ditched you.

Bella: What? Edward can brood and go off and be emo Edward, but I can't?

Writer: No.

Bella: Wait, who are you?

Writer: Don't you read the little title things to the left of the text? I'm the Writer. I created you.

Stephenie Meyer: Actually, I created them.

FanGirls: OMG!!!!!! It's Stephenie Meyer!! WE LOVE YOU!!

-FanGirls proceed to tackle Stephenie Meyer trying to get an autograph or Edward's phone number-

Meanwhile. . .

Edward: Ok, because I need to give Alice and Bella enough time to get here and convince me not to kill myself, I'm going to wait for a couple hours and walk outside, because I need to die as fast as possible and join Bella in heaven even though I told her I don't love her because I have to ruin stuff when were happy because I'm. . . EMO EDWARD!!

-Rips off shirt Superman-style to reveal tights and cape (black, of course) and goes to find a pointy object.-

Writer: Um, Emo Edward? I hate to interrupt, but have you looked at the time?

-Emo Edward looks at emo watch on emo utility belt-

Edward: Oh shoot, almost noon! I'd love to chat, but I've got to kill myself!

Writer: Okay, have fun! –waves-

FanGirls: GASP! How can you just stand by and let him kill himself?

Writer: Oh, he's not going to die. Bella and Alice are going to arrive in just enough time and convince him to live.

FanGirls: But, how do you know?

Writer: Does _anyone_ read the little title thingies?

FanGirls: Um, no.

Writer: I'm the WRITER! W-R-I-T-E-R. As in, I _wrote_ the story. See? –Holds up script-

FanGirls: Oh. . .

Stephenie Meyer: Actually, I wrote it. You just copied it.

FanGirls: OMG!!!!!

Stephenie Meyer: Oh sh-

-FanGirls once again tackles Stephenie Meyer-

Meanwhile. . .

Bella: Edward! Don't kill yourself! I'm still alive, see?

Edward: Sweet! We're in Heaven together!

Bella: No you douche, we're still alive! God, you're so stupid. Not to mention a hypocrite. I mean, you do this huge thing about how I can't be a vampire because I'll lose my soul, but if vampires didn't have souls, THEN HOW COULD WE BE IN &#$ HEAVEN?!

Edward: Um, Bella. . .

Bella: Shut up, I'm not finished. And even if vampires did lose their souls, what would it matter? Vampires are _immortal_. Come on, say it with me.

Edward: Bella. . .

Bella: Does it _look_ like I'm done? And if we were in Heaven, then why would it look like Italy?! I mean, come on, talk about random.

Edward: BELLA!

Bella: What Edward?! What do you have to say that's so damn important that you have to interrupt me?

-Edward points to 3 vampires in cloaks standing a few feet away-

Bella: Oh.

Felix: Yo EE (Emo Edward), Aro wants to come with us.

Edward: But, I don't want to.

Felix: Okay. See ya later.

-Everybody starts to leave-

Writer: HOLD IT!

-Bella, Emo Edward, Felix, Jane, and that other vampire dude stop and stare at Writer-

Writer: WHAT IS WITH &$ VAMPIRES THAT MAKES IT SO & DIFFICULT TO JUST FOLLOW A STUPID SCRIPT?!?!? Felix, you can't just let them go!!

Felix: Why not?

Writer: Because, I am the Writer, so what I say goes! If you have an issue with that, then go find a Dracula scene to reenact!

Felix: You know what? I don't like being bossed around by you! Why do I have to play the mean jerk anyway? What if I like stuff like poetry, and my little pony, and cooking, and, other stuff.

Jane: Um, do you?

Felix: Yes-I mean no, wait, no, I mean yes! I mean, never mind.

Edward: -in sing song voice- Someone's come out of the closet.

-Felix storms off-

Bella: Who would've guessed?

Writer: I need to more careful when I write characters.

Stephenie Meyer: Again, I. Created. Them. Not you, _me_.

FanGirls: Look! It's Stephenie Meyer!

Stephenie Meyer: WILL YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

FanGirls: No.

Stephenie Meyer: Look, Edward. He's right here!

FanGirls: EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!! –Run full speed toward him-

Edward: $&

Stephenie Meyer: Sorry.

-Edward and Bella run away from FanGirls-

Jane: Well, what do we do now?

Writer: I dunno.

Jane: But you have the script.

Writer: No one reads it anyway.

Jane: True, true. I know what we could do!

Writer: What?

Jane: Test out my power.

Writer: Um, hehe, love to, but I uh, well, gotta go! –Runs like the scared little adolesant she is-

Jane: I never get to have any fun. . .

Meanwhile. . .

-In the airplane going to Seattle-

Bella: Hey Edward?

Edward: Yeah?

Bella: Where's Alice?

Edward: Um. . .

Meanwhile. . .

-Somewhere in rural Italy, a yellow Porsche speeds along the dirt roads at 200 mph-

Alice: WHEEE!!!

Meanwhile. . .

Edward: Just don't worry about it.

-In Bella's bedroom-

Edward: Bella, before you, my life was a sky, full of stars. Then you came and burned everything up.

Bella: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, I have never been more insulted in my life!

Edward: No, I was trying to apologize. It came out wrong!

Bella: Sure, and I bet you left to protect me too. And I bet you sped all your time wallowing in self pity too!

Edward: Um, I do.

Bella: Sure.

-Goes to La Push and starts making out with Jacob Black-

Edward: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Oh well, back to Italy!!

THE END!

I don't have any explanation for this other than I might be going insane in the literal term.

**A/N: So! Go read the submissions in my C2! And vote! You don't even have to be 18!**


	26. Quil x Claire

**A/N: It's been pretty obvious from the beginning that I would have to do a ****QuilxClaire**** to make this a full cliché ****fic****. I was pretty hesitant to do so, because there are so many great authors, like Alice laughed (deflate your head now!), writing these. But there are also bad authors. This chapter is aimed at them.**

**Please go read the submissions for the challenge: They're hilarious!**

**Haha****, finally not one in script form! YES!**

Full Moon

CPOV

"Claire, what's your first memory?" my brother figure/father figure/best friend/secret true love Quil asked me.

"Idk, my bff Jill?" He gave me a weird look, so I thought hard. "Well, there was this one time where you took me walking.

"Oh, I remember that!"

_Completely Pointless Flashback (QPOV)_

_I looked my lover in the eyes, and she stared back with her huge blue eyes. I lifted the distance between us and began kissing her deeply. I placed my hands behind her shoulders and pulled her to me. Suddenly, I realized what a public place we were in. You forget these __kind__ of things when you're in love with a two-year-old. I pulled her along with me down the street._

_An old lady was further down, and gave me a shocked look. _She must have seen the kiss_, I thought sheepishly. Just then, she whipped out her phone and dialed a number. "Police!" she cried. I froze. "There's a young man molesting a baby! GAH! I'm on the corner of Elm and…"_

_Did I mention I hate old ladies?_

_End Flashback_

"I didn't remember that part!" He gave me a look. "So, wanna tell me why you sneak around at night, especially outside my room? It's kind of creepy, even if you are the brother figure in my life."

He took a deep breath. "I'm kind of a…"

"Pervert? Child molester? Escaped convict?" I guessed.

"No! I'm a werewolf!"

"Oh, that's okay then." As long as he wasn't going to kill me or anything, I was fine.

"And you're my true love."

"Sure. And Aunt Bella and Uncle Edward are vampires," I said sarcastically.

"Yep."

Well, that wasn't as much as a shock as I thought it was. C'mon, how did I not notice all these supernatural creatures? How did I not notice that all the guys over in La Push disappeared mysteriously, only to re-emerge from the woods not wearing shirts? How did I not notice my Aunt Bella (family friend, although vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies) was a vampire? I mean, she was always cold, her eyes changed color, she never ate with us, she was inhumanly beautiful… It's like people were just giving me clues! I must be the stupidest human ever.

Quil started making out with me. "Not now, Quil," I waved my hand at him, "I'm thinking." For another hour, I thought about how stupid I was.

When the hour was up, Quil decided to marry me, and of course I got no say in it. Oh well, he was a hot werewolf guy who adored me. Wasn't that enough? I can't wait till I get ticked off about his over-protectiveness and leave him. Yipee!


	27. Neutured

**A/N: Yet another oneshot from my twisted mind. I hate f-ing word 2007… the spacing doesn't work right! GAH! Never mind, it works now. Okay, what I was really going to say is, someone… can't remember who… requested a Child Support for Jacob. Then Holli-Loves-Edward struck again, and I came up with the following.**

**Mmm… buttered muffins.**

**Remember: R and R the challenge! Under my Communities/C2's! They're hilarious...**

BPov

I wiped my eyes yet again, and steeled myself to walk down the aisle. I met my beloved husband, Jacob, at the minister.

[:insert cheesy JxB wedding vows here:

Later, Alice was helping me clean up before we heading on our honeymoon. For some odd reason, she was totally okay with me leaving Edward for Jacob! (coughcoughdogcoughcough)

Which was just superspecial awesome. I wouldn't want to lose my bffl because of Edward.

So, anyhoo, she was clearing up when she said, "I think something's going to go wrong on the wedding night."

"What?" I asked her. "Did you have a vision?"

"No," she said sighing, "but do you know if..."

"If what?"

"If his muffin is buttered."

"What?"

"If... his... muffin... is... buttered!" I still didn't get it. "If his cherry is popped. If his can is opened. If his-"

"Ew, ew, I get it, Alice," I sighed, "but I don't know."

"I just have a feeling..." (wicked awesome foreshadowing!) "Maybe he's one weiner short of a hot dog…"

"Alice! SHUT UP!"

---------()---------

Finally, it was time to go home. I slipped into the car with Jacob, and Alice's face froze as she had a vision.

As we pulled out, she cried, "The goods are damaged! The goods are damaged!"

I wondered what that meant, and Jacob laughed nervously. "Probably just one of the presents from the bridal shower…"

"Sure," I said, and squeezed his hand

---------------()-----------------

Jacob sat awkwardly next to me in bed. "I have something to tell you."

"Okay."

"I- you're going to think this is crazy- but I'm neutered."

"What the-" I spluttered.

"I'm sorry!" he cried.

"But you were going to bear my children! More importantly, how the hell did that happen?" I questioned.

"Well, when I was changed into a wolf- we have many ceremonies. One of which is the Neutering of the Pup."

"Oh. Well, um, wow." I couldn't think of what to say. I was still in shock. I asked the first thing that popped into my head. "What are the other ceremonies?"

"Well, there's the Naming of the Braves, the Hunting of the Cold Ones…" I nodded. "…the Throwing of the Wife…"

"WHAT?" I cried.

"What did you think happened to Emily?" he asked nonchalantly.

"GAH!" And I ran far, far away from the evil creature named Jacob Black.

**A/N: Unfortunately, most JxB's don't end this way...**


	28. The AN

Yo guys. Just a reminder, in case I haven't advertised it enough: The contest ends tomorrow at midnight. I'll be checking until then. I've had a flood of AMAZING submissions. If you haven't read them yet, you better! They're under my communities (see my profile).

Remember, submissions go through PM's, just say "My submission is called, lalala, it's posted!" I'll go to it and add it to the C2.

Voting will open February 1st on my profile. It will be open for 2 weeks- results on Valentine's Day! Geeze, I'm such a sap.

I know, author's notes are never fun… but consider this a cliché.

If you need some Twilight hilarity, see "Twilight ABC's" by Barika.

Happy writing (and reading and reviewing)!

yayme2012


	29. Mary Sue Cullen

A/N: Ah, Mary Sue's. There's nothing honestly good I can say about them, so bash on!

OKAY! The contest is closed for submissions! I'm putting the poll up, with links…

Mary Sue Cullen

Edward: Hey, Bella…

Bella: Yes, my super-special awesome wonderful fantastically hot and sexy love Edward?

Edward: Some friends are coming to visit!

Bella: Define friends.

Edward: Well, actually, we've never met them, but they don't eat humans, so they must be friends.

Bella: OK!

- -two days later- -

Johnny: Hey! I'm an unbelievable OC with no detail whatsoever!

Marie: Hey! I'm his generically hot wife, Marie!

(Insert screaming Twilight fangirl named Mary-Sue here): I'm the girl who, although I am older than both of my family members, plays the daughter role, is intensely beautiful, and has never had a mate!

Edward: Whoa. I think I'm in love.

Mary Sue: Mmhmm. I'm sexier than Bella, and I already have no soul!

Edward: Yipee! We're a perfect match!

- -back at the Swan residence- -

Narrator: Bella's heart and mind are having an argument.

Bella's Mind: Edward's probably cheating on you!

Bella's Heart: He would never do such a thing! We're in love!

Mind: That's what you think…

Heart: He would never!

Mind: He would.

Heart: NO!

Mind: YES!

Heart: NO!

Mind: YES!

Narrator: This extremely dull argument continues for a couple more hours.

Edward: I'm suddenly here!

Bella: Is it true?

Edward: Is what true, my ex-love?

Bella: You've left me for another!

Edward: Didn't you read it? It was all over the tabloids.

Bella: Honest to blog?

Edward: Honest.

Bella: Damnit…

Mary Sue: I'm suddenly here too!

Bella: DIE! DIE! DIE!

Mary Sue: Um… Edward? A small human is kicking me…

Edward: That's okay! We'll call the ASPCA!

- -Bella gets dragged away to the ASPCA, also known as Holli-Loves-Edward's and yayme2012's headquarters- -

Edward: We can finally live happily ever after!

Mary Sue: Well, you know what happens now, right?

Edward: …?

Mary Sue: All the flamers will force the author to put you and Bella back together through a badly-written cheesy event that reveals me as evil and you as misguided.

Edward: Um….

Mary Sue: And then I'll leave. But, I won't really leave! In the crappy sequel, I will return again to break you guys up!

Edward: I'm just going to…

Mary Sue: You will trust me again. This time I won't betray you, because someone secretly controlled my mind last time.

Edward: Can I leave now?

Mary Sue: Wait! It'll all be a conspiracy, instigated by Stephenie Meyer and her legions of copyright lawyers…

Edward: Could you just…

Mary Sue: But they're just a pawn of the writer's strike!

- -shocked silence- -

Edward: I'm just going to leave now…

- -Edward disappears- -

Mary Sue: But I thought you loved me!


	30. Jasper Myths

A/N: Hehe, I'm writing an essay on the writer's strike…

Okay, anyways, I have another list. This idea came to me at 1 am… hope you guys are happy for disturbing my sleep!

A peek into the mind of the seriously disturbed Jasper. I venture into the realm of seriosity in this one.

Go vote in the poll!

Common Jasper Myths(almost all of which are true)

1. Extreme Thirst

Myth: Jasper is extremely thirsty, and attacks all humans.

Evidence: He attacks Bella in New Moon.

Truth: Jasper may be extremely thirsty, but cut him some slack, he hasn't been trying as long.

His comments: "Mmm, humans!"

2. Dixie!

Myth: Jasper is obsessed with the South and will kill you if you insult Texas or Confederates.

Evidence: Jasper was raised in Texas (Houston! My homeland!) and was in the Civil War. Oh, yeah, and the Vampire War.

Truth: He may support the South, but he's not a raving Southern lunatic. He doesn't think and talk about them all the time.

His comments: "There's a yellow rose in Texas, that I am going to see! Nobody else could miss her, not half as much as me!"

3. Random Romance!

Myth: Jasper is secretly in love with Bella.

Evidence: He's nice to her in Eclipse.

Truth: No. No. No. NO! You sick, wrong people! Why must you break up canon couples?

His comments: "If I wanted to screw Bella, I would have done so long ago."

4. Emo Freak

Myth: Jasper is so overwhelmed by emotions and self-hatred, he's emo.

Evidence: He's kind of depressed after almost killing Bella, he avoids humans, he's quiet…

Truth: He's just your typical Southern emotion-controlling vampire. He's not EMO!

His comments: "I do have some wicked awesome eyeliner…"

5. Short Girls

Myth: Jasper only loves short girls, and will make out with you if you're under five feet tall.

Evidence: Alice is short. Maria is short. 'Nuff said.

Truth: Jasper probably has a midget fetish! If you're short, you may have a chance with him!

His comments: "Come on! Screwing two short people does NOT mean I have a midget fetish!"

A/N: Eh, I'm not so happy with it. Mainly written to deter OOC Jasper.

Do you know what I AM happy about?

The contest entries!

READ AND VOTE!

I even put links in the poll in case you're lazy…


	31. Wonderful Announcement Chapter

A/N: Hey, long time no see… well, you know, three days is a while. Hehe. An announcement chapter(I really need to stop with these):

1. My new site!

It's on my homepage (stupid FF won't let me link on stories!). It's my mac account, studlickyoutothewall

So try web dot mac dot com slash studlickyoutothewall

I'll be making all future announcements through it, and posting extras and such.

2. The contest!

As you know, since I've been bugging you guys FOREVER, the contest has a poll up. So far, Legal Implications is winning, with Going Bananas drawing a close second.

3. More ideas!

I love to hear from people with ideas. Lately, I haven't gotten any brilliant ideas… come on, Holli, help me out here!

If you have an idea, please, please tell me.

4. Breaking Dawn Release!

Stephenie Meyer officially stated it releases on August 2nd.


	32. Conversation

_**A/N: A friend pointed this out to me… Bella and Edward never have a single normal conversation. Like, almost never. They just talk about changing, mortal enemies, danger, and their love.**__** Most of this was our real conversation.**_

Conversation

Edward: Yo.

Bella: My love! Let's talk.

Edward: Okay. I love you.

Bella: No, not about that! Like… talk about normal things.

Edward: I'm not sure I can do that.

Bella: Please make an effort.

Edward: Okay… I like that tree over there.

Bella: There must be a vampire waiting to kill me behind it!

--Edward checks the tree--

Edward: Oh, it's fine. Restrain yourself!

Bella: I'll try now. Look, it's a baby bird! It must symbolize our love, flying away from the nest to rise as radiant joy!

--Both watch as baby bird falls immediately and crumples as it hits the ground. An awkward silence follows--

Bella: Let's try this again… what's your favorite color? No love speeches.

Edward: Blue, because it matches your skin. And pink, because it's your blush. And brown, because it's your eye color and you like it and mentioned it once in _Twilight_. And-

Bella: Aww, you're so sweet! Hey, wait a sec… you cheated!

Edward: Um… did I mention how much I love you?

Bella: WHEE!

--insert lemon made of fake lemon here--

Bella: Okay, let's try this one more time.

Edward: I love pie.

Bella: Me too. But not as much as I love you! GAH! I did it again!

Edward: I'll try. I love you so much, it makes me hate myself.

Bella: But that doesn't even make any sense!

Edward: Apparently people think so…

Bella: We're not normal, are we?

Alice: ADD shopping attack!

Emmett: Random hyper episode of weirdness!

Rosalie: Extreme bitchiness!

Jasper, Jazz, Jazzywobbles: Emo pose!

Esme: Motherly moment of tenderness!

Carlisle: Meaningless medical mumbo jumbo!

Emmett: Boy, vjgm wasn't far off when she wrote Family Therapy: Cullen Style.

Bella: Where the ? did all these vampires come from?

Carlisle: Blame the writer's strike!

Everyone: But… the writer's strike is over!

--yayme2012 cries off in the distance at the loss of her favorite excuse--

Edward: Wanna make out now?

Bella: I love you!

_**A/N: Eh, not my best.**_

_**OK! Listen UP! The contest ends tomorrow! **__**Last chance to vote.**__** I'll post the winning story in the next chapter. So far, **__**Legal Implications is in the lead.**_


	33. Strange Charlie and Contest Winners!

_**A/N: Winner will be at the bottom. **__**Mwahaha**__**, forcing you to read my story…**_

The Many Personalities of Charlie: Wedding Style!

**Happy ****Charlie**

Bella: Um, Charlie, I need to tell you something…

-Edward squeezes her hand reassuringly-

Bella: Edward and I are getting married.

Charlie: Um… are you pregnant?

Bella and Edward: NO!

Charlie: Then it's fine!!!!!!1!!!one!!!

Bella and Edward: …?

Charlie: I know that marrying Renee and having Bella was the worst mistake of my life.

Bella: Hey!

Charlie: Although I am totally clueless as to your vampire-human relationship, your love is deep! I approve! I'm sure you guys will make it and love each other for all eternity!

Edward: Hurrah!

Bella: Pie!

**Angry Charlie**

Charlie: Grr… I hate life. I hate life. I hate life.

Bella: Hey Charlie!

Charlie: WHAT?

Edward: Oh dear lord.

Charlie: You eyeballin' me, boy?

Edward: No, sir!

Bella: Anyways… Edward and I are getting married!

Charlie: Die! Die! Die!

-Charlie tries to beat up Edward, but fails-

Charlie: I'll kill you someday! I'll kill you all!

-Bella and Edward leave-

Bella: What if he tries to kill us?

Edward: Eh, he won't.

Bella: Sure…

-3 months later, Charlie becomes an evil vampire and kills the Cullens, much to Edward-haters' delight…-

**Sad Charlie**

Bella: Omg, I'm getting married!

Charlie: But… you're my daughter! All grown up now…

-Charlie breaks out into tears-

Charlie: It's like you grew up before my eyes!

Edward: What the…?

Bella: I've only known you for like two years…

Charlie: I love you so much! Awww, you're all grown up!

Edward: You can just stop now…

Charlie: I can't wait to walk you down the aisle and promise you to a man I hate!

Bella: Screw this scene! You couldn't pay me enough to do this sentimental crap! I'm going on strike with the Screen Actor's Guild (which hasn't started yet)!

Yayme2012: Blame the actor's strike! Ooh, it has a nice ring to it.

Charlie: Who are you and what are you doing in my house?

Yayme2012: This never happened…

-Yayme2012 disappears in a flash of light-

Edward: That was odd.

Charlie: A-a-nyhoo, I love you guys so much!

-Charlie attempts to start a group hug-

Bella: AAAAAH! GET AWAY FROM ME, CHARLIE!

_**A/N: Not my best.**_

_**Okay, the winner is… Legal Implications, by **__**Fluffisacoolword**__** and **__**cloudmoo**__**! They**__** win eternal glory, and a lifetime supply of pie, which I have conveniently misplaced! Here it is, in case you haven't read it:**_

**Disclaimer: We do not own any of these characters; they all (except Shit) belong to ****Stephenie**** Meyer. We just put them into these bizarre situations.**

**Author's Note:** This is a joint story, written by Cloudmoo and Fluffisacoolword. Born of our insanity, this story is our entry for yayme2012's BellaxBanana Challenge. We guarantee that you will find no weirder pairing than what you are about to read, and we apologize in advance for any repulsion and disgust that you may experience whilst reading. Enjoy, and review! Oh, and don't forget to vote for us in yayme2012's C2. :)

**Edward POV**

Bella and I walked through the front doors of Forks' hospital. We were on our way to see Carlisle to confirm the date for our wedding: August 5th. I had already cleared it with the rest of the family, but Carlisle had been busy working, and we hadn't been able to talk to him yet.

I turned to Bella, about to say something, when I suddenly slipped on a wet spot on the floor. I did not want to know what it was that had spilled there. I cried out in surprise as I fell on top of Bella. Worried about crushing her, I did not notice until it was too late that my open mouth was headed for her soft flesh. Before I could stop myself, I tasted blood. I had ended my fall with my teeth embedded in the supple skin of her buttocks.

I cursed, pushing myself away from her. _Now what? _Panicking, I pulled her with me into the janitor's closet As she shrieked and gasped with the pain of transformation, I prayed that nobody would hear her from outside. I stayed with her, holding her hand for days, before I decided that I needed to leave her for a few minutes to tell Carlisle what had happened.

"Carlisle…?" I began hesitantly as I approached him. "I think I made an oopsie."

**Bella POV**

I awoke in complete blackness, alone and confused. I felt renewed and strong, except for a dull ache in my butt. Amidst these new sensations was a burning thirst. My throat was parched, screaming for me to soothe it. Suddenly, I caught a whiff of something yummy.

I burst through the door into the bright lights of the sterile hospital. I followed the scent, my instincts driving me more than rational thought. I pushed through door after door until I reached my destination: the maternity ward.

All of that fresh new blood, pulsing extra-quickly through those tiny bodies. I was practically drooling. Without knowing what I was doing, I began grabbing infants from cribs and stuffing them in my mouth as fast as I could, drinking from them. I had just sunk my teeth into one when I felt a firm, cold hand on my shoulder. I whipped around to see Edward, his eyes filled with fear and regret. His face brought me back to reality, and I realized with a rush of nausea in my stomach - and a chunk of baby in my teeth - what I was doing. I dropped the child and backpedaled, horrified by the animal I had become.

We were halfway out of the hospital when Edward grabbed my arm.

"That baby was dead, right?"

I spun around and sprinted back to the room, my anxiety mounting as we neared the ward. Edward threw open the door and gasped. I followed his terrified gaze, and what I saw chilled me to my very core. Crawling across the floor at nearly 60 miles per hour was a baby, its red eyes rabid with thirst. All the babies I had spared now lay in a pile, ravaged by the miniscule beast.

"Shit."

**Bella POV**

I brought the barely breathing rabbit into my house, sensing its fading heartbeats as I hurried to my "son." We had named him Charlie, but the first word he had heard was Shit, and now he would answer to nothing else. I lowered the animal to his lips, cringing slightly at the fervent manner in which he fed.

Suddenly, the phone rang, interrupting the baby's meal. I set down the rabbit for Charlie to finish, and hurried to answer.

"Hello?"

"Bella! What it do, ho?"

"Jacob? How's it going?"

"Ah, well, y'know… killing leeches, bein' hot, nothin' new."

"Um… cool, I guess. Is there a reason you called?"

"Yeah. We haven't talked in a while. You should come down."

"…Okay, well, be prepared. I have some… big news."

**Billy POV**

I couldn't say that I was happy to hear that Bella was coming to La Push. She had caused nothing but trouble since she arrived in Forks, and Jacob was always depressed for days after she went back home. However, my spirits lifted when I saw the angelic creature that was cradled in her arms when she arrived. My breath caught. Who was this extraordinary being?

I wheeled over to him and lightly traced his hairline with my finger, my heartbeat rapidly increasing. I began to perspire, gasping for air as I realized that I had just imprinted.

"H-he's beautiful," I stammered, feeling light-headed.

"…Hi, Billy." Bella gave me a strange look. "This is my son, Charlie, otherwise known as… Shit." She grimaced at the name.

"…Shit," I repeated. It was the most fitting name I had ever heard. Everything about him was simply amazing. Bella nodded, misunderstanding the tone of my voice.

"Yeah, I know. It was the first…" She trailed off, realizing that I was not listening to her anymore. Just then, Jacob entered, his smile fading as he noticed the object of our attention.

"What the hell?!" he cried, outraged. Bella's eyes widened with apprehension.

"Jacob, I can explain–" she began, searching for words. I interrupted them.

"Bella," I said, my mind racing to come up with a plan. "How about you and Jacob go outside and talk this out? I'll take care of little Shit for you." I smiled, reaching out to hold my one true love.

"Um," she faltered a little at the look on my face, but handed him over. "Thanks. We'll just be out in the shed." They walked out, leaving the two of us alone.

I held Shit close to me, staring into his gorgeous burgundy eyes. Checking again that we were alone, I lowered my lips to his. He responded, wrapping his arms around my neck and pulling himself closer to me. I kissed him deeply and passionately, my world spinning with the ecstasy of this perfect moment.

When I finally pulled away for air, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I looked up, seeing the wide eyes of Sam Uley, Old Quil Ateara, Paul, Jared, Bella and Jacob, all staring at me with a mix of disgust and disbelief. I held Shit close to me, protecting him.

"B-Billy?! What is wrong with you?!" Sam roared. "How dare you betray the pack? This _thing_ is a violation of the treaty! …Not to mention the legal implications of what you are doing to it."

"You don't understand me!!" I cried. How could they? There was no way they could ever feel so strongly for anyone. "I'm in _love_! Shit is my life, my passion, my purpose!"

**Jacob POV**

I stared at my father, slack-jawed. He was in love with that vampire demon-child? What was going on here? Before I knew what was happening, the baby's eyes locked on mine, and he crawled away from Dad at warp speed. I barely had time to think '_What__ the fuck?!' _before the red-eyed, pale creature launched itself at me, sinking its razor-sharp fangs into my calf.

"Aughhh!" I screamed in shock, jumping up in the air and grabbing my leg. With a surge of panic, I realized that the venom was beginning to spread through my veins. I felt the heat from the poison combine with my already too-high body temperature, and I knew that nothing good could possibly come of this. I only had time to feel the fire escalate into an inferno before my vision blurred and I sank into an abyss of blackness.

**Billy POV**

I watched in horror as Jacob fell to the floor, twitching violently and spitting obscenities. Then, without warning, he combusted, flames enveloping his seizing body. The flames blazed to the ceiling and then died, leaving a pile of ash where my son had been.

"NOOOOOO!!!!" I screamed. "MY SON!!!" I felt as though my heart had been ripped from my chest. Grief overwhelmed me. I spun around and wheeled blindly into the kitchen, grabbing a knife from the drawer. Gripping it tightly, I plunged it into my heart with all the strength I could muster. As I fell to the floor, my useless legs twisted under me and my blood spattered across the floor. My last thoughts were of Shit.

**Shit POV**

I crawled into the kitchen after Billy, and looked on with anguish as my soulmate's final breaths escaped his lips. Despite the sorrow and pain that engulfed me, I felt my thirst taking over. Billy's sweet blood, still warm from being inside him, seeped across the kitchen floor. Unable to stop myself, I sped over to his side and drank from his gushing wound.

When I had sucked his body dry and the scent no longer made me delirious with longing, I pulled myself away from him and realized what I had done. The one person who had loved me with the same intensity that I had felt for him was gone, and I had defiled his remains. Self-loathing gripped me, and I lowered my lips to his before throwing my head back and releasing a guttural cry.

As fast as I could, I dashed past the others and outside into the freezing air. I pushed on with conviction until I reached the cliff's edge. Hundreds of feet below me, the raging waves thundered angrily against the jagged rocks. With one last cry, I hurled myself into the sea.

**Bella POV**

My mind could not register the horror that was unfolding before my eyes. I could only stand, frozen, and witness my baby, my Charlie, throw himself off the edge of the cliff into those violent waters. I ran as quickly I could after him, but it was not fast enough. I saw his tiny body plunge into the depths of the ocean.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" I cried. "MY BABY!!!" Five, ten, then twenty minutes went by without him emerging. A pain like no other consumed my body, and I was halfway off the cliff myself when I saw him shoot 50 feet out of the water at a remarkable speed. My jaw dropped as the Kraken hurtled after him, the water rolling and foaming in its wake. The massive mouth of the monstrous beast opened, and swallowed my child whole.

I turned and ran along the beach, hardly aware of where I was going. I ended up in front of a blazing driftwood fire just outside of Jacob's house. Unable to face the people inside, I took a deep breath and stepped into the enchanting blue flames.

**Edward POV**

I walked out the door of the cabin to look for Bella, only to realize that I was too late. Smoldering cinders were all that lingered where her beautiful figure had burned away in the flames.

"Well, fuck," I muttered, pulling out my cell phone. "Yes, hello. I would like to get on the first plane to Italy, please."

_**A/N:**_

_**Runner up: Going Bananas by Hermione W. Cullen.**_

_**Better updates to come this weekend!**_


	34. In Jolly Englandland, Bella Cinderella!

A/N: Yo! Finally! A real update! I know, I was proud of myself…

In other news- Cullens were cast. Full info on my blog, link on my profile.

My new revolution is starting in a couple of weeks- announcement probably on here.

Not a flame for a particular story.

Disclaimer: Je n'ai regrette rien. Je n'ai couche ne personne de Twilight, spécialement pas Edward Cullen. Et je n'ai eu rien.

Meaning: Guess! Wonder if I have any French-speaking readers. Announced in next chapter.

In Jolly England-Land/ Bella Cinderella

Author: Hey guys!

All characters: Hey random insane fangirl!

Author: Who wants to… go to Englandland! Set in the 1800s! With pics on my profile!

Edward: Wot, wot!

Emmett: Cheerio!

Rosalie: Have a cup o' tea, gov'ner?

Alice: I love my mates and chums!

Bella: Crumpets and scones!

Jasper: Throw a shrimp on the barbie!

-Everyone stares at him-

Jasper: I mean… God save the queen!

Random King-Like Dude: Let us have a tea party!

Edward: Man, I hate it when my dad tries to set me up with rich princesses.

King: Have fun at the party!

-Over in the poor part of town-

Bella: I hate my life. It sucks. GAH!

Her mother: But we give you everything you need…

Bella: I feel obligated to do chores.

Her mother: Why don't you treat yourself and go to the king's ball?

Bella: But I can't.

Mother: Why?

Bella: I don't have a dress.

Mother: Here's a conveniently beautiful dress in your size!

Bella: I hate you all!

-Mother leaves, Bella weeps-

Bella: Hmmm. My mother forced me to stay home. But perhaps I can take this hidden ball gown and go!

-At the ball-

Bella: Doot de doot, dancing around with no one…

Edward: Look. There's a crazy lady over there. Perhaps she'd like to dance.

-Ed struts over-

Edward: Dance with me?

Bella: -drool- Okay!

-They dance, and there is a special connection-

Edward: Hey Bella!

Bella: Wot?

Edward: Would you like to… date me?

Bella: But we are of different social status.

Edward: Oh, no! I had nearly forgotten that I was the heir to the throne and you were a lowly servant.

Emmett: Way to rub it in, bro. Not gonna help.

Author: Stay in character! Stay in character!

Emmett: Cheerio, hup hup.

Alice: OmG! Bella! You should totally date my brother/cousin/brother-in-law/platonic friend, Edward.

Bella: I know… people seem to be telling me that a lot lately.

Alice: Eh?

Bella: See, all these reviewers keep flaming to put Edward and I together… the author had a huge plotline planned, but now she's putting together a hasty reunion.

Rosalie: I'm just having a cameo in this because I'm beautiful.

Carlisle: What about me?

Edward: No. You don't get to come.

Carlisle: But…why?

Edward: Because you don't do anything of importance!

Carlisle: NOOOOO!!! I should have been a lemon star…

-Carlisle fades away-

Fans: Lemon! Lemon! Lemon!

Narrator: Another yayme2012 project ended disastrously.

Fans: Yipee!


	35. Bella Gets A Puppy

_**A/N: Hey guys, yet another reader content chapter! Yipee! I'm not turning into Attack of the Cliches or anything, with only reader chapter... but hey, it's hilarious!**_

_**This one comes from PrettyPinkBookWorm. Hurrah!**_

**Bella Gets a Puppy**

One day Jacob was moping around.

"Woe is me, Bella is not mine."

He met Leah, who was also moping.

"Woe is me, Sam is that witch Emily's."

Together they moped.

when suddenly, Jacob had an idea.

"Leah, since we're both alone, why don't we get together?"

Leah raised eyebrow

--insert smutty sex scene--

-nine months later-

Leah is running around in her wolf form, totally unaware of anything amiss.

_Stupid Sam...mother cheated...who's the real brother...-_other usual

shallow-Leah thoughts-

What is this? I'm going into labor! -puppy pops out, because, you know,

that's exactly how it happens-

"Crap, screwing Jacob might not have been the best idea."

Leah looked down at the little baby puppy/wolf, seeing that it looked a lot

like Jacob.

Figures.

_Change, you little dork,_ she thought to her puppy/wolf. Nothing

happened.

She started getting ticked. Only alive for a couple of minutes and the thing

was already being rebellious.

Crap genes.

_I SAID CHANGE! MORPH! BECOME HUMAN SO I CAN TAKE YOU HOME!_

...nothing happened.

Crap.

Leah sighed. This is what she got for getting pregnant. Not knowing what to

do and extremely exasperated with her child, she grabbed him in her mouth and

ran back to the reservation.

-----Page Break-----

"Billy, I tell you, the thing won't change. I don't know if it even can."

Leah sighed. Was she the only rational person on the reservation? When she had

explained the predicament to Jake he had immediately freaked and lead her to

Billy, who was simply staring at the puppy/wolf with wide eyes.

"Are you meaning to tell me...that that puppy/wolf is my GRANDSON?"

Leah rolled her eyes.

"Yes. And being annoying. If he doesn't change I don't want him." Jake

continued to stare down at his son.

"Well," Billy tried to regain control, "I suppose the only thing to do is

call a doctor. And there's only one that specials in mythical creatures in the

immediate area, so I guess we'll have to go with him."

"His rates better not be to high," Leah moaned.

-Carlisle magically appears-

"Hello Dr. Fang," Jacob threw out unoriginally.

Leah picked up her puppy/wolf and handed him to Carlisle.

"What is this? I'm not a veterinarian." stares up at sky "Why do authors

always just assume things...and after just poofing me in like that..."

"He's our child," Leah explained. "And he won't do anything. Can you help."

Carlisle stared down at the puppy/wolf in horror, then back up at Leah and

Jacob.

"Well," Carlisle began, darting another look up at the two new parents, "What

exactly do you mean by 'won't do anything."

Billy jumped in. "Apparently he won't phase."

Carlisle face was immediately grim.

"What!" Billy and Jacob gasped simultaneously. Leah continued to stand with

her arms folded.

"There is a possibility that the chil-pupp-wo-uh, offspring will never phase

into a human."

-le gasp-

Billy's eyes widened in horror. Jacob put his hand on the table.

"So what are we supposed to do with it?" Leah asked.

"W-well," Carlisle stuttered, "I assume you would treat it like any other

puppy/wolf. Play fetch, teach it to sit, and just enjoy it's company."

Leah glared. "So you mean now I have to take care of it? Like a pet?"

"Leah!" Billy exclaimed. "This is your child."

Leah thought for a moment. "Yeah, but I don't want it if it's just going to

be like any other dog."

Carlisle eyes grew ever wider. "I guess that the um...offspring could go to

you Jacob. You are, after all, the father."

Jacob immediately began to shake his head. "No, no, no. No. I'm not

looking after a puppy. And if it was a kid...do you know how much I'll get

teased for this?"

Billy looked hopeless.

"I guess I could take it off you're hands," Carlisle offered, surveying the

three faces before him.

"Sure," Leah agreed, and thrust the puppy into Carlisle's arms.

Carlisle carefully held the puppy/wolf. "Are you sure? You do realize that

you are giving sole custody of-"

"Just take him already."

---------Page Break!---------

"Bella, I have a rather...interesting surprise for you," Carlisle announced

as he entered the door of his mansion.

"Oh, what is it, what is it?" squealed Bella, OOC as usual.

"A puppy!"

"Aww, I've always wanted a puppy! Look Edward, isn't he cute?" Bella held out

the puppy Carlisle had given to her.

Edward wrinkled his nose.

"He smells awful."

Bella frowned. "Don't be mean." She held the puppy close.

"I shall call him Squishy and he shall be my Squishy and he shall be mine."

-16 or so years later-

"CARLISLE CULLEN WHAT IS A CONFUSED WEREWOLF DOING IN OUR LIVING ROOM AND

WHERE IS SQUISHY?"

The end.


	36. Supahstah

_ETA 2.12.09: Italics in this chapter messed with the backup copy. Needed to replace._

**A/N: To PrincessofNargles: Wow, there's so much I could reply to all these… but unfortunately the email bounced back, aww… the fic you're writing sounds interesting! Let me know when you get an account! We'll chat sometime.**

**To everyone else: Sorry it's so late in coming! I've had many, many other projects going on (see the site). Oh man, I was watching Princess Bride last night… classic parody right there.**

**Points if you can catch all the references in the chapter: Franz Ferdinand, Evanescence, Gather Songs and Hymnals, the SAG strike, Shakira, Britney Spears, HouseMDLove, The Fifth AvacadoEmo Kid, the Bloatanian Dream, and stage-diving.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I do, however, own EmoJazz, Emmett Spears, and Carlis. I share joint custody with Barika for Ed to the Word. My last disclaimer: I don't regret anything. I have not slept with any Twilight people, especially not Edward. And I don't own anything.**

**I'd better stop before the A/N is longer than the chapter…**

**Lucky lucky you're so lucky!**

**Superstar**

Note: This parody takes place during New Moon.

Edward Pov

I was sitting around, feeling depressed and contemplating life. Or lack thereof. Bella was gone, my thirst for her blood was unforgivable, and I was a hundred year old virgin. Suddenly, my stereo started playing my favorite song:

**"My Immortal"**I'm so tired of being hereSuppressed by all my childish fearsAnd if you have to leaveI wish that you would just leave'Cause your presence still lingers hereAnd it won't leave me aloneThese wounds won't seem to healThis pain is just too realThere's just too much that time cannot erase[Chorus:When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tearsWhen you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fearsAnd I held your hand through all of these yearsBut you still haveAll of meYou used to captivate meBy your resonating lightNow I'm bound by the life you left behindYour face it hauntsMy once pleasant dreamsYour voice it chased awayAll the sanity in meThese wounds won't seem to healThis pain is just too realThere's just too much that time cannot erase[ChorusI've tried so hard to tell myself that you're goneBut though you're still with meI've been alone all along[Chorus[Thanks to for these lyrics[Thanks to for correcting these lyrics trite A/N: **omghaha I pasted it wrong! Oopsies**

I jumped up from the couch. This must be a sign from the God I don't believe in!

I ran to the closet. I emerged approximately six point five minutes later, wearing baggy pants, a tight shirt, and vampire bling (pic in profile!). Alice must have put it there.

Little did I know, in the rest of the house, the others were discovering their hidden talents.

Jasper POV

I was in the bedroom with Alice when she said it:

"I think you should write jazz music."

"What? Why?"

"Well, you're so emotional, and it help you get rid of your emotional stress," she told me stupidly. My eye twitched.

"IT'S MY FRICKIN' POWER! I CONTROL EMOTIONS! JESUS FRICKIN' VAMPIRE!"

"See what I mean?" she continued as if I had not just screamed. "I'm going to leave you in here with a piano and a microphone. Bang on the keys for a while. I'll be listening. If you do well enough, I'll let you out."

She ran outside and locked the door. I was left with an easily smash-able door and equally breakable music equipment. And I hated jazz.

So what was I to do?

Of course, I sat down and started composing a deep emotional song. Alice and Esme would kill me if I broke out.

Carlisle POV

I was rehearsing my Spanish tapes. I bought them when the infomercial guy promised I could learn it within two weeks!

Well, it had been three years now. My pronunciation was almost perfect. I knew where every accent mark went.

The only problem was I didn't know how to actually speak the language, just recite poems and random words. That might be a bit of a problem. But I had just memorized a song, and I was ready to sing it!

"Sen-yor-ay! M'yas meeradoe los oh hos! Sonree-endo, hass deecho mi gnome-bray. En la rayna, he deehado mee barka. Puntua tee, bus-caray otro marrrrrr," I warbled. Just as I finished singing, Edward walked in wearing some kind of bizarre gangster clothes.

"That was…" he told me, "Um wow… very interesting… but… humans think vampires' voices are sexy! So let's become pop stars!"

"I can only sing in Spanish," I warned him, but stopped as soon as a strange man walked in. He had jet black hair and equally dark eyeliner. He was dressed in all black and seemed to radiate gloom and despair. The only person who could do that was…

"Jasper?" I asked, squinting at the stranger. He nodded slowly. I looked to Edward for confirmation and he grimaced.

"It's him alright."

"What did you do to yourself?" He shrugged.

"I discovered the wonder of jazz," he muttered in a dark, depressing voice.

"But what does that have to do with…" I made a vague gesture in his direction. Edward quickly grabbed a pad of paper and scribbled something down. I read the hastily written note:

Jasper hates jazz, but he's now addicted to it. Jazz Jasper Emo

"Oh. Then… what do we do now?"

Emmett: We should form a band!

Jasper started yelling at the ceiling. "Voices! Leave me alone! ARGH!"

Edward rolled his eyes. "It's just Emmett."

My eyes widened. "Why is he talking in script format?"

Edward spoke again. "It's not really him. You see, he's on strike. He believes that he is a member of the Screen Actors' Guild and he thinks they went on strike. So now we have to read out his part. Blame the actor's strike." It did have a nice ring to it.

"Stupid vampire son."

Emmett: That really hurts, Dad. Aren't you proud of me? I'm Emmett Spears!

"You are what?" Rosalie asked (she had just walked in).

Emmett: Gimme, gimme more! --does awful Britney-esque dance moves in sparkly black underwear--

Jasper covered his eyes. "Oh, the horrors that I can't see!"

Emmett: You have HouseMDLove to thank for that.

"Who's-" Rosalie began to ask.

Emmett: Never mind.

Edward tried again. "As I was saying before you all rudely interrupted-"

Emmett: We should form a band!

"All bands need a name," Rose declared. "What will you guys be?"

"Ed to the Word and the Mind-Readers," Edward blurted out.

"Carlis and the Latin Vampires," Carlisle said.

"EmoJazz and the Soul Rippers," Jasper moaned.

Emmett: Emmett Spears and the backup dancers!

"You've got your work cut out for you," Rosalie told them, and disappeared.

Just then, Alice walked in!

"Here's the deal, guys- no one's going to come to an event with all that music. So, Ed to the Word- pass out fliers in the ghetto part of Forks. Yes, there is a ghetto part. Carlis, only old people and Mexicans listen to Latin music. Those'll be your target markets. EmoJazz- scope out the high school out for some emo kids. You might find a few people. And Emmett Spears? All you have to do is going on MTV and act like a slut," she said all in one breath.

And so it began.

-20 (or 30 or 40 or 50) years later-

Edward: OMG, we're suddenly in script format.

Yayme2012 (in stage whisper): Everyone went on strike.

Alice: Okay, guys, as your manager, since you guys are like, uber successful and all, I think it would be a good move to hold a concert in Port Angeles.

All: Why?

Alice (shrugging): It furthers the plot.

Edward: Hey, whatever happened to Rosalie and Esme?

Emmett (looking guilty): Meep.

Jasper: I didn't know cannibalistic was an emotion!

-Over in Port Angeles-

Bella: Lalala, living my life as a vampire obliviously…

Random Vampire Friend: Haha! There's a rapper coming to town called, like, Ed-to-the-word?

Bella: OMFG! That reminds me of Edward… but it couldn't be him!

RVF: And there's this Latin guy, Carlis, and EmoJazz, and Emmett Spears!

Bella: Nope, it's definitely not him.

RVF: LET'S GO!

Bella: OKAY!

RVF: THIS'LL BE SO MUCH FUN!

Bella: WHY ARE WE YELLING?

RVF: I DON'T KNOW!

Bella: M'kay.

-At the Concert of DOOOOOOM!-

Carlis: You know my hips don't lie-

Announcer: And those were some lovely tunes from Carlis! Now give it up for… Emmett Spears!

Emmett: Gimme gimme more!

Fans: Ah! IT BURNS!

Announcer: Okay, that's enough of that. It's time for EmoJazz!

Jasper: Okay, guys, would you like to hear "Stab My Heart Because I Love You," "Rip Apart My Soul," or "Stabby Rip Stab Stab"? Screw that, screw conformity! Let's sing the Eyeliner Song!

OH…

Being an emo is oh so fun

We slit our wrists, and when we're done

We steal makeup and eyeliner

They think we're whiners

But at least black looks slimming on me!

WHEEEE!

All together now!

-the Emo kids join along vaguely-

Announcer: That was… mildly disturbing. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for- Ed to the Word!

Edward: Yo, yo, yo.

My baby left me, no

I left my baby

What's up with this world

Everyone's going crazy!

People are like what?

They think Emmett's a slut

But yeah that's about it

I love you baby…

Bella: I swear, it's like he's looking into my soul!

Edward: OMG! Carlis! It's Bella!

Carlisle: Stage-dive! Now!

Edward: I was just going to talk to her after the-

-Edward is pushed off stage, and no one catches him-

Bella: Haha. My ex just fell off stage. Haha.

Narrator: And the former rapper slowly went insane.

Edward: I like bananas. Lollipops? Ah, the green men are coming to get me! Foul spawn of strawberry!

Narrator: Did I say slowly? I meant quickly. And then the stadium exploded!

-boom-

Narrator: And then it exploded again!

-boom-

Narrator: And then the guacamole exploded!


	37. Carlisle, MD

A/N: Not my best, but I kinda liked how it turned out. Stole some from my old Sugar!fic, Really Random.

Author: Hmm, I've watched a lot of House, MD lately. I also have conveniently read all these medical textbooks. --searches through What the crap? There are no accurate medical fics! I must write one!

Carlisle, M.D. --cheesy theme music--

Carlisle: I'm feeling bored.

All Cullens: Us too.

Carlisle: Let's go do something fun!

Jasper: Like what?

Carlisle: Like surgery!

Alice: Um...kay. We'll all be here doing something interesting that readers would actually like to hear about.

--Carlisle drives to the hospital whistling--

Carlisle: Take me to the emergency wing?

Nurse: Okay, what's wrong with you?

Carlisle: Beg your pardon?

Nurse: Why are you coming to the emergency room?

Carlisle: I work here!

Nurse: Um, no you don't.

--House, MD characters randomly make cameo--

Carlisle: Hmm, I can't seem to figure out what's wrong with this patient.

House --pushes him out of the way-- : It's obvious! You idiots! You just have to wire the transplant through his oxymoronic tuber plantation manufacturing, and then take him off the IV tubes full of special puddiferous AIDS medication, and then remove his Pancreas while pumping Medusoid Micellium into his bladder _at the same time_! Then you must bellydance to the tune of the Star Spangled Banner while juggling 18 bananas to keep me entertained. It will take a medical miracle to save him, but I can do it… for I am… HOUSE!

British doctor: Guys... he died... while House was making his speech.

Carlisle: No! Idiots!

--British doctor stare-off!--

British doctor: Grrrr...

Carlisle: Grrr...

--Carlisle randomly decides to eat people--

Carlisle: Die!

--back at the Cullens--

Alice: I pick dare!

Bella: I dare you not to shop for a week.

Alice: NOOOO! How did I not see this coming?

--DING DONG!--

Rosalie: Ohmigod! It's the doorbell!

Emmett: Really?

--Bella opens the door to find Jacob/Mary Sue/the Volturi/a mutant space mouse/Stephenie Meyer ready to eat her--

Fin


	38. Awesome Three Part Chapter!

_**Yo! I'm back from Colorado. To make up for it, I have a TRIPLE issue! Yes, that's right, each part was so crappy I had to combine them all to make it look like a real chapter! Hooray! In this edition of Bad Fanfiction, we have: a rant about REALLY bad writing/ a list about REALLY bad writing, an in-depth report on Twila, AND a funny little Sugar!fic.**_

_**Okay, guys, I don't know if I've said this before, but…**_

_**Thanks. I'm really glad to hear that people agree with me. When I first posted this, it was a oneshot, but I kept going. I expected to maybe get one hundred reviews total. Now I'm close to one THOUSAND. C'mon people, let's do this! Unite and flame! You guys are wonderful, amazing people.**_

_**I hope this is entertaining. A script format chapter to come soon.**_

From the desk of yayme2012

_If you don't enjoy reading my rants, then just skip it._

Dear readers and reviewers,

I don't know if it's just me, but fanfiction seems to be going in a downwards spiral.

It seems that readers nowadays just want drama (look at me, sounding like an old person).

It kind of pisses me off that people can have nonexistent character development, bad details, no grammar, but have drama and get hundreds of non-flame reviews.

What pisses me off even further is that the majority of these writers are my age or even older. It makes me feel ashamed to say I'm a teen writer. You've probably seen my stuff. It's COHERENT. It makes sense. Sure, my old stuff is pretty cliché (look out for the pilots I'm posting these next couple weeks!), but at least it's better. When you think about it, that's not saying much. To be an okay writer, try to have a decent hold on the English language, recognize a thing called plot, and write as if you were the person. So, it's not hard to not suck.

So you may be wondering: Is my story Bad Fanfiction?

This will help you decide.

How To Determine your Story is Bad Fanfiction: A Listy Thing

1. You have over 20 flames.

2. You have dozens of PMs telling you to stop writing.

3. You post over 30 chapters with 100 words or less.

4. You write it in script format (like Notes with the Cullens or AIM) Some examples:

_Bella: Omg, Alice, let's write pointless notes. And let's be stereotypical and non-funny _(Real A/N: Lanna is exempt from the bashing because her notes can actually be funny!)

_Alice: I had a vision!_

_Bella: Lol, what is it?_

_Alice: The author just got killed by yayme2012!_

5. You have a crappy summary. Some examples:

_Omg, so Bella gets changed, and then these new vamps come. Omg, it's so funny!_

_Edward meets a new girl. Sorry, I suck at summaries._

_Jasper and Bella have a special connection. Don't worry, it's better than it sounds!_

_Bella has a baby. Read for more._

_My version of what happens after Eclipse. Tons of people like it._

_I like cheese. Do you like pie?_

Okay, would you actually WANT to read any of these? I mean, other than the last one.

6. You've seen the plotline done a million times.

7. You have so many OC's you yourself can't remember all their names.

8. People randomly change sexual orientation.

9. Character stereotypes. ARGH! They can be pulled off well. There's a line. But it's not a fine, fine line. It's a huge, freakin' red line like a mile thick, with alarms and signs saying, "Don't cross me or you'll die!"

Ugh. I hate all these. Maybe I just have too much pent up anger.

So, here's my best (worst?) try at writing one of these. See if you can find one worse. No joke, I've seen some of this stuff fo' real, dog.

_His lips were really close to mine, so we started making out. "I love you bella," he told me, and then he married me. It was awesome. "Cmon lets have some fun" I said and we had sex. Wow, now I knoe why we waited so long, lol. Edward said it's time to change you. Carlisle came __suddenly and got me a bag of morphine. I felt bad for doing drugs, but I had to, kay? So he bit me and it was like all burny and stuff and i was screaming and then it was over. I looked over at the mirror and I saw my eyes weren't red OMG I said and Edward told me "you're a special vampire!" and I was like "cool." so then we had sex again. It was even better. Then I went to see Jake, but he was pissed so I killed him. Then we went to see Charlie, and he didn't notice I looked completely different my eyes changed color, and I wanted to eat him. I was wearing a red lownecked top with black jeans and heels and I had on really dark eyeliner. So then the volturi came and got me and we fought them. Then I used my awesome firey power (I just gots it) and they all died. So we won, lolz. Then Edward took my hand and kissed me, "I love you bella," so it was all good in the hood. The End, lol!_

_A/N: Wow this was my first fic, pretty good write? Id like to thank all 3000 reviewers, so thanx! I'm writing a squel for their kids._

_**See? Wasn't that just AMAZING? (I've been fired up since re-reading IchigoxRingo's Insert Spiffy Parody Title HERE and DegenerateX's Diary of a Fangirl) So, here is most likely the best, funniest parody of Twilight EVER…**_

**Twila, The Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre: A Review of the Crap**

Now, if you haven't read it before, go to: www . fanfiction . net / TwilaBeautifulPsycoTopazCullen

Now. Right now. Try to make your way through a whole chapter.

You can't, can you? Because it's just so awful. But the question is… is this person really that stupid or is it a clever parody? And what's great is, other people think it sucks too! It has 350 flames. Think My Immortal for Twilight (google "worst fanfiction ever"… it's the first result!)

Here's a sampling of some of my favorite lines from Chapter 8 (the best!):

_I looked around in the dark, but since I was a vampir I could see in the dark (a/n vampirs can see in the dark)._

Ah, simply beautifully repetitive. Now for a funny part.

_"Hoes there?" I crapped poisonally._

Wow… crapping poisonally… that sounds like a serious problem, Twila. You should see a doctor. And where are the hoes now? Watch what happens when Edward smiles:

_He shined his gloriosus teeth in the mans face nd he was temporerily blinded for life._

Hmmm. Temporarily… blinded for life? Interesting. But it gets better. Someone starts talking in espanol. Yeah, if you don't have a good grasp of the English language, don't try another one. Here's some greatness.

_A lot of other stuff happened and den we found out that da mans name was James but becuz he is Spanish they call him like HAmez._

Ha-mayz? Ooh.

"_Si, but I c dat you are lovers wif mi enemies."_

Great Spanish skills.

"_I dont quero 2 kill tus," he said in spanfish._

Oops. I meant SpanFISH, obviously.

_"Moo bien." sed Hamez. "We start 2 plot her death at dawn. Hasta luigi until den."_

And then, of course, if Spanish doesn't work, you bring in Italian. And finally, my favorite line from the whole thing, in Chapter 9, after killing Bella… drumroll please…

_"Thank satan she's gone." we all said in unicorn._

I love unicorns. And Satan. Thanks for destroying both, Twila. Or Tila. Or whatever.

Fun Twila fact Numero Uno: Did you know she's an atheist satan-worshiper who says, "God bless Satan" (or occasionally Stan)? Yeah, me neither.

_All this badness and more can be found in this story: www . fanfiction . net/s/3879551/9/ TwilaTheGirlWhoWazInLuvWithAVampyre_

Now go… FLAME ITTTTT! Thank you for letting me waste your time.

_**And here's a little Sugar!fic written during Barika's and yayme2012's US History Class (MANY inside jokes). We were supposed to answer study guide questions. The question was: How did America's entry and Russia's exodus of WWI affect the war?**_

The Russian dudes were like, "OMG! Whoa, it's America. Uncle Sam is so pimp. We should like, totally leave." And then they threw a little five year old temper tantrum, and like, totally exploded all cool-like. And then Americans were like, "OMG! We've got bombs!" And the Germans were like, "Auf strudel! Strudelvick weidershein!"(translation: they beat us in the slut contest.)

So all the British were jealous of our mighty fine pimping. They were all, "Oh em gee, what a total bummer, let's have some tea! Cheerio, hup hup."

Meanwhiles, the French were all, "Sacre bleu! 'Tis le pimp. Je suis triste. Oh la merde. Merde. Merde. Merde. J'aime les crepes."

So, Australia's all, "Wtf, mate?"

Meanwhiles, Japan's all, "Konichiwa, American bastards!" And flying all these bombs and stuff.

So, no one notices American going, "Fine! You win! You're more pimp, Germany! We surrender our hoes!"

Italy's all like, "I make-a da pizza, mamma mia!"

Romania's all pissed, and singing the Numa Numa song.

Norway's all, "Hooskenoonan!"

Chinese are making dumplings and eating them. The French are now pelting their croissants at Italy, and Germany is just getting sooooo mad because their war has turned into a food fight, basically. South America is just playing in the rain forest, and Russia's having this awesome revolution-type thing. 

And then everyone died. No, I'm just kidding, only the History room exploded.

_**Ah, we have SUCH lovely times in history. There are life-changing moments when we notice Twilight references: The Spanish influenza (Edward!), Civil War Battles near Houston (Jasper!), insane asylums (Alice!) . We really do need to pay attention someday.**_

**_Hope you enjoyed my hypocrisy. This whole chapter was a little... out there... even for me. Actually, I think I want a flame._**

**_I do have a new poll, and I would appreciate votes... Thank you all again. Thanks a lot. Seriously._**


	39. Terminal Disease

_**A/N: Sorry, guys. I've been busy with… well, I could lie and say I've been studying for my finals, but I'm not. I've been watching Dexter. Hours and hours of Dexter. Yup, it's that good. And I've been writing plenty of stories for it. The biggest project being Predator and Prey, a Twilight-Dexter crossover. Hate to say this, but… "better than it sounds". So basically, I've been busy with cheating on the Twilight fandom, sorry. XD**_

_**So, without further ado, I give you the brainchild of ooo.burn/Anna and yayme2012/moi during our track-study hall. Back by (not so) popular demand, Anna's demented chapter that ends with almost everyone dying!**_

**_Oh, another thing... hugely important... this last week, Bad Fanfiction broke 1000 reviews! I know, I couldn't believe it either! I'm sure I've thanked you all copiously in review replies, but just in case: THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! And this goes out to anonymous reviewers too. I love it when someone just stops by to say "Thanks for making me laugh!" or "I totally agree!" or "Die bitch!" Okay, not the last one so much, but you guys knew I couldn't make it through a paragraph without a single joke._**

_**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer, like, totally, called me and said I own Twilight and it was fine for me to butcher the characters beyond recognition in awful trite fanfiction form. Wait, no, she told everyone else that!**_

Terminal Disease

Carlisle: Hey, Bella, you've been falling an awful lot lately.

Bella: Yeah, I know. I'm kinda sick.

Carlisle: …what do you mean?

Bella: I have leukemia. The doctor that lives in my mind told me so.

Carlisle: …um, yay.

Bella: Yay.

Carlisle: Yay?

Bella: Screw you, bitch!

Carlisle: ?!

-Carlisle runs into a river and commits suicide(he had a secret love for Bella)-

Bella: …?

Calisle: x-x

Edward: Bella! -skips across field toward her (aka across the mansionsy housey thingy)-

Bella: I have a secret!

Edward: What is it?

Bella: I won't tell you.

Edward: What is it?

Bella: I won't tell you.

Edward: What the hell is it, woman??

Bella: I have cancer.

Edward: That's okay, I'm gay. I had sweet gay love with Charlie while I was fishing.

Bella: Xp

Edward: That's right. Now that you will die I can have _all the fun I want._

Bella: Never mind. I think your incredibly gross statement just scared all the cancer cells out of me.

-Cancer cells hop along the floor in a disgusting ball that just came out of her butt-

Edward: Damn girl, you got some mighty fine cancer cells!

Bella: So now you like me?

Edward: Cancer cells turn me on, not you.

Bella: This makes my emo side strangely happy.

-She runs to find Jacob, hears strange sounds and notices her cancer cells are gone…-

-Squish squish squish-

Narrator: Hurrah! The cancer cells strangled Jacob and then he died!

Edward: Uh… are all your body parts that dangerous?

Bella: Maybe, maybe not… Wanna find out? -suggestive wink-

Edward: -runs to his mommy- Mommy! A scary hoe is coming after me and she's winking suggestively!

Esme: What did I tell you Edward? Bella is a whore.

Bella: Am not!

Esme: Are too!

Bella: Am not!

Esme: Are too!

Bella: Am not!

Esme: Are too!

Narrator: The cancer cells had taken her stomach with them, so Bella died anyways.

-THE END-

_**A/N: I swear, Anna wrote everything, I just edited it a little. Well, a lot.**_

_**The next chapter will be one on bashing, especially Jacob bashing. If you have any contributions (example: people with REALLY stupid reasons why they hate Jacob) tell me.**_


	40. Twilight Condensed!

**A/N: So. You all know how much I don't like work. So I copied this.**

**No, I'm kidding. I am working on the next chapter, but due to huge amounts of submission and personal events in the real world, it won't be out for a while.**

**But I discovered this bundle of joy. Fabulous. A budding writer… well, her stuff's already great.**

**TADAH! Oh yeah, SPOILERS!**

_Everything after this point is written by MonSolo23._

**This was just something I wrote up when I was bored. All characters belong to the fabulous Stephenie Meyer. Send this to all of your non-Twilight-reading friends!**

**Twilight: The Condensed Version**

Bella: I hate Forks. Why did I decide to move here?? Ooh, cute boy!

_Edward gives Bella a death glare_

Bella: What did I ever do to him?

_Bella is almost crushed by Tyler's car but Edward pushes her out of the way._

Tyler: Oh noes!! I almost ran Bella over!

Bella: But Edward saved me. Yay!!

Edward: What? No I didn't…

Bella: But…but…

Edward: It would be better if we weren't friends…but come eat lunch with me?

Bella: Edward's really weird.

Jacob: Have you ever heard about the Cold Ones? Yeah, Edward's a vampire.

Bella: Ah-ha! It all makes sense!

Edward: You really should avoid me. I am an evil demon.

Bella: You're hot…actually, you're cold. But you're seriously cute. And sparkly.

Edward: But I could kill you!

Bella: Please don't?

Edward: Okay. Come meet my family!

Alice: Hey. I'm psychic.

Rosalie: I wish I was still human. I don't like you.

Jasper: I can control your emotions.

Emmett: I'm not as scary as I look. I swear.

Esme: Ohh, Eddie brought his girlfriend! Let me show you his baby pictures…

Carlisle: I swam across the ocean once. And I'm immune to the scent of human blood.

Alice: Hey, let's go play baseball!

_The Cullens meet some evil vampires._

James: Human! Must kill!!

Bella: Aaaah! Must run away. Charlie, I'm leaving.

Charlie: WTF?

Alice: Come with me and Jasper. We'll keep you safe.

Bella: Noo! I don't wanna leave Edward.

Edward: They'll protect you. I'll see you soon.

_Alice, Jasper, and Bella go to Phoenix._

James: I'm gonna kill your mommy. Come to me and let me kill you.

Bella: Not my mommy!

_Bella walks right into James' trap._

James: Mwahahaha…I didn't have her. But now I have you!

Bella: Whoops. That was kinda stupid.

_James bites Bella_

Edward: I must save her!

Bella: But…but…I wanted to be a vampire.

Edward: Absolutely not. Let's go to prom.

Bella: Absolutely not.

Alice: Sorry, Bella, you've got to. By the way, you're going to be a vampire one day.

Edward: NO SHE WON'T!

Jacob: Hey, my dad says to be careful with Edward.

Bella: Whatever. I lurve him!

**Fangirls: Give us more!!11!!1!!**

**Stephenie Meyer: Here's the sequel…**

**New Moon: The Condensed Version**

Bella: Why do I have to grow older? I wish I was a vampire.

_Bella cuts her arm at her birthday party_

Jasper: Blood!

Edward: We're leaving. I don't love you anymore (except I do).

Bella: Nooo!!

_Lots of time passes_

Bella: Holy crow, I've turned into a zombie. Oooh, motorcycles!

Jacob: I can fix those up for you!

Bella: Let's go do something crazy so I can hear Edward's voice in my head.

_Bella runs into Laurent_

Laurent: Human! Must kill!!

Bella: Oh noes! And all my vampire friends are gone. Who will save me??

_Wolves run through and chase Laurent._

Bella: What just happened here?

**Fangirls: What just happened here??**

Jacob: I can't be your friend anymore, Bella. I'm sorry.

Bella: Why does everyone hate me??

Jacob: Remember when I told you about the cold ones?

Bella: Yeah…

Jacob: Remember what else I told you?

Bella: ZOMG! You're a werewolf!?

**Fangirls: ZOMG! Jacob's a werewolf?**

Jacob: Yay I avoided the rules! Come hang out with the pack.

Bella: Cool. You guys are nice.

Jacob: You're being stalked by a vampire.

Bella: Oh noes! Victoria's out to kill me because Edward killed James...

Pack: We'll protect you, Bella.

**Fangirls: Where's Edward??**

Bella: Hmm, I think I'm gonna try cliff diving.

Alice: Noooo! I just saw Bella kill herself…

Rosalie: Hey, Eddie, your girlfriend's dead!

Edward: Gasp! I must get the Volturi to kill me!

Alice: Edward's gonna kill himself. Bella, we need to save him!

Bella: I've gotta save Edward. Bye, Jacob. Tell Charlie I'm sorry if I die.

Alice: Let's fly to Italy! And steal a car!

Bella: As long as we save Edward.

_Edward is about to step into the sunlight and expose all of the vampires_

Bella: EDWARD!!

Edward: Whoa…I'm in heaven? Cool.

Bella: No! We're not dead.

Volturi: Must kill the human who knows our secrets…

Alice: But we're gonna turn her into a vampire.

Volturi: Okey-dokey then.

Bella: WHEN??

Edward: Never!!

Jacob: If you turn her you'll start a war with the werewolves.

Bella: Et tu, Jacob? Stupid backstabbing werewolf…

**Fangirls: Yay! No more Jacob!**

**Stephenie: Sorry…he comes back in book 3. And I like him.**

**Eclipse: The Condensed Version**

Edward: There's a crazy vampire in Seattle killing lots of people.

Bella: Eew.

Edward: Hey, let's go visit your mother in Florida!

Bella: Why??

Edward: Why not? You're going to be a vampire in a few months, so you'd better go soon.

Bella: Crap, I forgot…I mean, yay! I'm going to be a vampire!

Edward: You're not having second thoughts, are you??

Bella: Of course not…why does Jacob hate me?

Edward: Jacob's too dangerous for you. I can protect you better than he can.

Jacob: Edward's too dangerous for you. I can protect you better than he can…by the way, Victoria was here last weekend.

Bella: Ahhhhh!!

Edward: Bella, I'm keeping you in protective custody so you don't go near the werewolves.

Bella: Haha, I snuck off to be with my friend Jacob!

Edward: I hate Jacob.

Jacob: I hate Edward, but I love you, Bella.

Bella: I'm Switzerland. Why can't we be friends?

Edward: You know what? Go ahead and hang out with the stupid werewolf.

Bella: Yay!

Jacob: Yay!

**Fangirls: She'd better pick Edward…**

Jasper: There's an army of newborn super-strong vampires in Seattle!

Jacob: Victoria's still stalking you, Bella. And I still love you.

Alice: Hey, how many people can I invite to your graduation party?

Edward: Bella, marry me!

_Bella's head explodes_

Bella: Everything's clear now! All right, Edward, I'll marry you. Hey, I'd bet Victoria's in charge of the vampire army, too! Yo, vamps and werewolves, we all want the army gone, right? Can we call a truce?

Cullens: Okay…

The pack: Fine.

_Both sides grumble._

Bella: Yay! Now, nobody die, okay?

Jacob: You don't love me. I'll go be a hero now.

Bella: Jacob, don't be a hero! I do love you, for real! And it only took me 530 pages to figure it out.

_Bella kisses Jacob passionately._

**Fangirls: NOOOOOOOOOO!!11!!1**

Edward: Look, I ripped Victoria's arm off! And her head. Yuck.

Bella: Yay she's dead! Now I can relax…oh wait, no, I can't.

Volturi: Hey, we've got a cameo! Why isn't Bella a vampire yet?

Edward: It's happening in the next book, after we get married. For real this time.

Bella: Love triangles suck. But I still pick Edward. But I love Jacob almost as much! Emo cry!

Alice: Wow, I'm gonna plan your wedding!! Thank you thankyouthankyou!!

Bella: Don't invite Jacob, please?

Edward: Um, okay...

_Jacob gets an invitation from Edward_

Jacob: Oh noes! What will I do when Bella turns evil? Or what if she dies? I love Bella. I don't know what I'm going to do.

_Jacob runs away into the forest._

**Fangirls: Good riddance. May you never return!**

**Stephenie: Hey, be nice! Or I'll never write book four.**

**Fangirls: Meep. Sorry.**


	41. Meeting Stephenie Herself!

_A note about the geniosity you are about to witness:_

Yayme2012(me), Barika(Barrett), HouseMDLove(Charlotte), ooo.burn(Anna), and Mexi-with-no-FF-account were lucky enough to obtain tickets for the Host signing (Charlotte found hers in a trash can at the event! Hee!). Their story is documented here by yayme2012. (She likes writing in all caps at times! Deal with it.)

5:45- We've been on the road for like, ever! OMG! There's a Chick-fil-a!

6:01- …yum. They have great food.

6:19- Okay, so we're here now! We already wrote Steph a stalkerly-long note. Hope she reads it!

6:23- Where the hell is she?

6:29- Some guy came around and gave us stickies to write what we want Stephy to sign... just our names. Barika's note:

To Edward Cullen's significant other, Barrett. (It's my birthday. I love special messages!)

Hee. Seriously, where the hell is she?

6:33- I hate group photos. Charlotte and Anna feel compelled to take them.

6:35- Sooo bored...

6:40- Stupid pics of HouseMDLove are fun!

6:46- As is listening to the Flaming Lips with Barika.

6:55- 5 minutes till she goes on! Eeeeeeeee! Listening to Sneakernight.

7:28- Awesome, awesome Q&A session. Memorable moments on YouTube- search Host Houston Tour… it'll be up soon. Some highlights from Stephenie:

"I think it would be kind of weird to see the Host as a movie… who would play Melanie? It would be super hard to portray her accurately. She'd look kind of like Golem."

"Who knows what I'll write a book about next? Maybe mermaids, or ghosts… maybe both."

7:45- Okay, okay, they're letting people go forward for the signing! YES!

8:00- …we're near the back. Shit.

8:15- How long does it take for someone to sign "SM" on a book? ARGH!

8: 29- Went to the bathroom. Fun. My life is exciting. Oh, wait, actually, it is! There's a cute guy in the hall reading Eclipse! I should go talk to him.

8:31- Discovery of the day… I have no guts.

9:27- I just watched an hour of Dexter. AN HOUR. And the line has barely moved.

10:23- And another hour. Mexi's already gotten halfway into The Host.

10:52- Angry fans just seriously ditched the whole waiting thing and formed a mob/line. Ooh! We ran there right before the crowd.

11:17- Barika's note was CONFISCATED! Can you believe it? Luckily, right after we got by security she could rewrite it :)

11:25- Oh em gee. Oh em gee. I think I'm hyperventilating. We are in the SAME ROOM as Stephy. I can almost see her… There's barely anyone left.

11:28- THERE SHE IS!

11:29- We're like three people away from her… I can't breathe… Charlotte, why don't you want to give her the note? Give it! Why don't I want to give it? Cause I'm afraid the security guards will crush my camera and iPod into little bitty bits. Just give it! Barrett, stop it! Wait, no, Anna will? Charlotte, this is no time to chicken out… Wait, there's Stephenie Meyer! ACT COOL!

11:45- Oh my god.

11:46- Oh my sweet baby Jesus.

11:47- Oh my Carlisle.

11:48- Well, screw me with a spoon. I think I'm in shock.

11:49- I've recovered. Enough to say this: SHE TALKED TO US! AND TOOK THE NOTE!

11:53- She was surprisingly down-to-earth and friendly. Some of our conversation:

Anna: So, weirded out by all these creepy fangirls?

SM (laughs): No! I think it's cute, actually.

Me: Omg, omg… (probably says something stupid)

Mexi: Thank you so much!

SM (to me. ME! YES, ME!): I like your shirt.

Me: Well, BARRETT here was supposed to wear her Bite Me shirt…

Barrett: I told you I was sorry! My mom threw it away… she didn't like that it said Bite Me.

Me: Yeah! Our school said it was anti-Catholic!

SM: That's terrible! (looking at Barrett's book) Sorry, I'm not writing notes!

(Barrett looks sad)

(Much more conversation ensues. Hey, it was late!)

Barrett: So, does Bella have an iPod? (practically shoves copy of downloaded script that says "Bella Swan, never without her iPod" in her face)

SM: Well, ah, she doesn't in Twilight. But she could by Breaking Dawn… we're making changes with the movie.

Charlotte: So what's up with "Hold on tight, Spider Monkey"? (Referring to the "Making Of" Twilight video on the internet)

SM (laughs): That was actually improv.

(We leave. Charlotte keeps trying to push the script in her face. She slips to the note to one of her assistants and she promises that Steph will read through all fan-mail later.)

11:54- Holy Jesus Christ!

11:55- SHE TALKED TO US! REALLY! I didn't make any of that up. Seriously. That is word-for-word what I remember. She said all of that! Isn't it awesome?

Four copies of The Host: 72. Tickets: Three hours. Twelve hours of Dexter for consumption at signing: 24. Chick-fil-a: 25. Waiting in line: Five hours. Talking to SM herself:

PRICELESS!

_Next chapter to come soon. Really. I had some traveling… updating ASAP. I do have a life, you know._


	42. Diary of a Fangirl

A/N: I know. I haven't updated, 'cept for the Stephenie Meyer interview, which was plenty, imo. I have tons of reasons why, but the big one's the:

WASHINGTON, DC TRIP! -squee!-

Monday: Everyone arrives at the airport at about 5 am. We travel all freaking day and end up getting a crappy dinner and dancing colonial style. I am forced to room with ooo.burn (Anna), HouseMDLove(Charlotte), and an unnamed other -cough cough Celina cough cough-. Celina decides she's cold and moves to my + Anna's bed. Charlotte gets scared and moves to ours. I suffer until about two am, when I switch beds and laugh at the poor losers.

Tuesday: Williamsburg/Jamestown! We all learn that "Virginia's for Lovers" and we go to a bunch of museums and cheesy tourist stores. HouseMDLove, Snowiscold, and I all make fun of ooo.burn as she loses all her pizza. We drive another three hours back to DC.

Wednesday: Hmmm… can't remember all that happened. I think we went to some museums. Wait, no, we went to the White House. I found out Bush was there and farted. Maybe. Also, there were tons of protesters outside! Like this guy with a "Wheel of Death" booth that says that Bill Gates and George W. Bush are killing the earth. My new besty! We go to the Vietnam and Korean War Memorials, where I am forced to lead the entire grade in a screeching rendition of the Pledge of Allegiance.

No, seriously.

Thursday: More monuments. Snowiscold and other academic freaks go inside to vote for Republicans. Hilariosity ensues outside, whilst inside the smart kids meet with Nancy Pelosi. I'm not jealous. Not one bit. -sniff- Then we go to the Canadian embassy! YES! We each get to say something in the echo-y dome. Me: "I love Canada!/I love Micheal Cera!"(who is from Canada, by the way) Charlotte: "Twilight!" Dawn (Canada Girl) + Mrs. Sinclair: "Ohhhh Canada…" Anna: "Spare change!" (starts dragging away coins with her feet)

Friday: Sad. Sad. Last day… but it's still fun. We eat crappy airport food and visit the Holocaust museum (but not in that order).

That's about it. Since then, I've been busy studying for finals and avoiding work. The Jacob chapter is coming along nicely, but due to the huge volume of replies it's taking me a while to get my thoughts in order (trust me, I have a lot). I'm about 80 percent done.

So, without further ado, I bring you

**Diary of a Fangirl**

_(Yes, I know I'm ripping off Degenerate X. His Diary of a Fangirl (making fun of HSM fangirls) is quite hilarious. I'll ask permission to post a chapter sometime.)_

**Dear, like, OMG! Diary,**

**Today I was so gobble-dampin' fruitin' ticked off! Remember that story I was writing? Forbidden Love and the Impossible Baby? Well, today, I got a mean, awful, mean, terrible, mean, sucky FLAME!**

**I know, right? Come on! Thousands of people have liked it! Why would someone hate it? Ugh.**

**Here's what it said:**

_**Your writing is poor. I've seen monkeys with better skillz. You have a crap plot. You need to get a beta or spellchecker. It was just awful… but you have promise.**_

**Promise? Promise?! What the gobble-dampin' fruit is "promise"? I should get a dictionary. One sec…**

**I'm back with a dictionary! Okay, so "promise" means: a verbal contract or agreement.**

**Wait…**

_**It was just awful… but you have **_**a verbal contract or agreement**_**.**_

**What the hickory dickory dock?**

**Okay then. But anyways, it was sooooo mean despite her weird language.**

**But never mind that. Guess where I'm going tomorrow? Didja guess? Didja?**

**Stephenie Meyer's book signing! I know, I was like OMG! too when I found out. She's doing a book tour for that Host-y book. Aliens or something. There's a girl with, like, multiplication personality disease, idk… and there's a love triangle. Or love square. Or quandrangle… some kinda gobble-dampin' fruitin' shape.**

**I wonder if Edward's in it?**

**Urg, I don't even want to think about the Twilight series right now. I reread Eclipse yesterday, so now I'm like, uber-ticked at Jacob, that ice-cream. Ugh. Fruit him!**

**Idk. I started reading it, but it was TOO boring. Maybe I'll get to shake Steffy's hand. Can I call her that? Maybe we'll be besties. Idk and idc!**

**Well, see ya tomorrow! I bet you're all insanely jealous once I meet Edward. I heard Steffy's bringing him on tour with her. I bet he really sparkles! Like that deodorant. Omg, do you ever see those ads? I always think of him, hee. Not that's Edward's a real woman or something.**

**What, mom? What's that?**

**Oh, yeah, of course I'm doing homework. Yeah, um, an English project.**

**I'll be there in a minute! Wait one second!**

**I've gotta go. My parent-tards are calling.**

**Lots and lots and lots of OMG! love,**

**Bella+EdwardLove4evah**

_(Hee. I think I just died a little on the inside.)_

And ending on that happy note, I'd like to announce… drumroll please…

THE BAD FANFICTION FORUMS!

Squee!

It's the place to share your thoughts on truly horrible and actually good fics. Also, you can air your opinions on (who else?) Jacob and Edward.

So, I would love if you started posting anything and everything!

Here's to hoping,

yayme2012

Not-so-humble fangirl


	43. Huge TV Ripoff

Disclaimer: If you haven't understood that I'm not Stephenie yet, then no one can help you. Also, I don't own The Soup, Chelsea Lately, The Colbert Report, Tyra, any of amose's writings, any of HolliLovesEdward's writings, or anything else mentioned, though I do do a convincing job of ripping them off. Haha! I said doo-doo.

A/N: Fate has smiled upon me today. Our finals have been ridiculously easy. I ended up with extra time tonight. And… I won a tokidoki mimobot and a 50 buck gift certificate to Metropark!

Moving on.

So this chapter is following in the category of 38: yes, that's right, a huge frickin' rant. But this time… it's Doritos huge!

Well, when I was a wee little lass, I had a dream of becoming a famous blogger and earning millions from GoogleAds. Unfortunately, FF doesn't allow us to add GoogleAds. So… I'm getting a corporate sponsor as big as my ego!

It works like this (I've watched too much Colbert): you eat a lot of the crap- I mean yummy- snack food, and get paid big bucks. Too good to be true, eh? It is. I mean, it isn't. Whatever gets me my money!

Of course, I soon figured out that the more product placement I put in, the better. As in, maybe other shows would pay me to mention them.

And therein came the inspiration for:

Spicy Sweet Doritos (R) Huge TV Rip-Off!

But before we begin, some legal jargon:

Ahem. The views expressed in this chapter may or may not be my own. Don't quote me on that. Spicy Sweet Doritos (R) is a registered trademark and is used without any permission or notification.

Narrator: On tonight's episode of _Bad_ _Fanfiction_, yayme2012 goes Deep Inside Fanfiction to figure out what makes Jacob-haters Jacob-haters. She also meets with Edward Cullen to discover what it's really like to be a man-eating piece of man-candy. And then he puts on a werewolf suit to understand how a dirty dog like Jacob feels!

Deep Inside Fanfiction

A question asked through the ages is: Why is Jacob so hated by fans? Why do Jacob fans become so irate? Why does Jacob smell bad?

Okay, erase that last question. Let's get down to serious business.

Let's look at the facts: Jacob is a werewolf who is now 18. He is Bella's best friend/lover/stalker. He is Native American (Quileute) and enjoys working on cars. He met Bella within a month of her meeting 

Edward down at La Push and revealed him as a vampire. For further information you already know, reread Twilight, New Moon, AND Eclipse. I'll wait here.

Additional reading materials: In His Shoes. Or something of that title. On Stephenie's very own website. So… our dear authoress is a Jacob fan? Really?

Well, it only covers up to New Moon, but it makes a surprising case for him.

For many people, hating Jacob is this simple: Jacob is not Edward. Whoa! It take you all day to figure that out?

Some of my personal favorite stupid reasons:

**He has long hair but never braids it like Indians on the movies. **(Luvs-Mitchel-Musso)

**I hate Jacob because he has black hair as a person but his damn wolf hair is different. That just ain't right man, 'tis unnatural.** (Simply Emma)

**Jacob is too warm and therefore he makes you sweaty and uncomfortable.** (emoxmprint)  
**Jacob is so, like, totally desperate!** (emoxmprint again)  
**Jacob's not sparkly.** (emoxmprint again again)  
**Jacob obviously hates everyone because of his dark hair**. (emoxmprint, again, in case you couldn't tell)  
**JACOB'S NOT EDWARD!** (emoxmprint's final reason)

**I hate Jacob cause he is FAT. **(newmoonlover)

**I hate Jacob Black because one time I fell down the stairs and Edward wasn't there to catch me. And that's Jacob's fault because if he had won over Bella then I would have gotten Edward! So there! **(Water-Lyly)

**I once heard someone say they hated Jacob because he was tall. Which is ridiculous, since Edward is 6'2". **(Queen of the Unknown- BOO! How dare you use facts in the No-Fact Zone?! Colbert, do not sue me)

**I hate Jake because… actually, I don't have a reason, but I hate him. **(JasperisMYeverything)

**I heard someone say once that Jacob was cuter than Edward, so they hated him. Oh, and mean racist people hate Jake. And the May Flower Settlers, they didn't really like Native Americans either. **(EclipseOfMyHeart)

**I hate Jacob because he's tall and I'm short. He's just walking around being tall so I'm all, "Grrrr, being tall is unhealthy! You will probably die a slow painful death!" Then he hits his head on the top of a doorway and dies! **(JadeStern)

**I dunno. I've never seen a good argument against Jake. It's always like, "ZOMG I HATE JAKE DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE! WHO'S WITH ME?!" or else, "Jacob sucks! Sucketysucksuckers!...Dude." Yeah. Basically, as far as I know, it's only the less talented, less intellectual part of the fanbase with any hard feelings toward my FAVORITE CHARACTER. -sticks out tongue at Jacob haters- **(migamoo)

**To me, it's dumb, if you're gonna hate Jacob, hate him for a real reason. **(30 Seconds to YOUR MOM.)

**Um, I hate Jacob because he build cars and cars ruin the environment! …idk, that's a pretty stupid reason. I really just hate him for being there and ruining everything. **(tonkatruckss)

**I hate Jacob because he SMELLS BAD! **(Apocalypse1)

**OMFG! I hate Jacob because he loves Bella! I mean, how rude is that?! She obviously has Edward, and Edward is so hotter. I mean, he should be able to control his feeling for the girl he's totally in love with and let her go off and marry his mortal enemy. **(RAWR.yes)

**OMG! Jacob is like, such a rapist homewrecker. He should be killed by a pack of angry acrobats! I hate him because Edward hates him. So I'm going to make up a whole bunch of nonsense like the fact he is a gay drag-queen rapist! **(RAWR.yes… again)

And the most magnificent entry came from Hermione W. Cullen:

**1. He thinks he knows how Bella likes his hair. I'm sorry, but if you're a boy, and you think you know what a girl thinks of your hair (even if she's told you), you're a fool.  
2. He's a fool.  
3. He always brings Bella WARM soda in a PAPER BAG. Seriously, where has he been keeping that soda, and WHAT'S IN IT?  
4. He assumed Bella would believe him when he threatened to let himself die in the vampire war thingy. She DID believe him, but still. He assumed.  
5. He's a mangy mutt of a mongrel with a maleficent mess of motorcycle maintenance materials.**

And those are just FIVE of them.

_Remember, if I called you stupid here, I mean it with the most love and respect possible._

As you can see, these are oh-so-serious replies. But valid reasons all. Some of my favorites showed up in the new Bad Fanfiction Forums… stop by if you haven't already.

The chief reasons really seem to be, in the general fandom:

1: His competition with Edward

2: His competition with Edward

3: His competition with Edward

Am I being redundant?

**Answer: No.**

These really are all valid reasons, when you think about them. I know didn't. My gut told me so.

**Bottom line: People hate Jacob. We're still not sure why.**

And on to the interview…

(Edward enters. The crowd stands and cheers.)

yayme2012 (hereby referred to as Y during this interview due to laziness and a sore hand): Welcome to the yayme2012 Report!

Edward Cullen (hereby referred to as E during this interview, ditto the reasons): Um, doesn't that sign say The Colbert Report? And why is that man in the corner all tied up? (Colbert, I would never do this to you! Honest.)

Y: Never mind that! We're here today to talk about you!

E: Me? I was told there would be free mountain lions.

Y: That's exactly what I'm talking about. Animal cruelty.

E: Er… what? (He looks uncomfortable. Several of the audience members shift in their seats.)

Y: You see, you can't just go on killing animals left and right like this.

E: I kind of have to. (Audience together goes, "Ooh!" One girl stands up and says, "Oh no you didn't!")

Y: Killing animals is wrong. Especially endangered animals.

E: Look, I just… I'm a vampire, okay? It's what we do instead of eating you humans!

Y: Right. Right. So instead of animal cruelty…

E: It's anti-people cruelty.

Y: Riiiiiiiiight. Okay then. Didn't you say that you can still eat humans?

E (without hesitation): Right.

Y: So the real issue here is discrimination.

E: What? I never said that!

Y: Sure you didn't, sweetheart.

E: I really didn't! I swear to God, you're insane!

Y: Have a bag of Doritos!

E: Haven't you been listening, woman? I. Drink. Blood!

Y (deadpan): Sorry, haven't got any of that.

(Commercial break plays. When the show comes back on, Edward is visibly shown trying to dazzle our dear host. She remains undeterred.)

E: You see… you could just not play that last clip…

Y: Um… er… so pretty… I mean, security!

(Security guards come and hold Edward's arm back. One is carrying what appears to be a bag of fur.)

E: What… what is this?

Y: Poor ratings. Shows like Tyra always have stuff like this; they take skinny people and make them look fat!

E: What does that have to do with anything at all?

Y: Well, to appease Jacob haters, -cough cough- I mean, to sympathize with Jacob better, you're going to be a werewolf for a day!

E: No! You can't make me do it!

(Edward tries to struggle out of the guard's arms, but he is remarkably wimpy. They manage to wrestle on a werewolf costume.)

Y: And now you'll go on the streets of New York to face persecution from Twi-hards… or Twilighters… or Rabid Twilight Fangirls… or-

E: I get it! I get it!

Y: It's rude to interrupt. You get chained to the pole for another hour.

(Edward looks visibly threatened.)

E: Pole? What pole?

Y: Oh yeah, to keep you from running away, we're chaining you to a pole.

E: Um, wouldn't that be animal abuse?

Y: Shut up! Animal abuse would be tying you to a pole and giving angry fans sticks. By the way, we're doing that.

E: You can't do this to me!

(yayme2012 snaps and guards lead him to the streets.)

Y: Just watch me, fangboy!

(Muffled shouts of "I don't have fangs!" are heard from outside, followed by whimpering noises.)

Y: My plan is going excellently… bring in the next guest!

(Jacob enters. Few cheer. Many look alarmed.)

Y: Hello, hello! Have a seat!

J (twitch): Sure.

Y: You know why you're here?

J: Um, someone said something about Bella being here.

Y (laughs): That was a lie, by the way.

J: So… why am I here?

Y: Isn't that the question we all ask?

J: What?

Y (mimicking): What?

J: What?

Y: What?

J: No, what did you say?

Y: No, what did you say?

J: Just stop it!

Y: Just stop it!

(Commercial break conveniently plays.)

Y: Well, that was… weird.

J: You started it!

Y: Let's not point fingers, sweetie.

J: Sweetie?

Y: Sweetie?

J: What?

Y: What?

J: Oh no, don't you start this again-

(Screen descends from ceiling.)

J: What's that?

Y: That, my dear Jacob, is sweet revenge.

(Live camera footage shows Edward being beaten with bats by angry fans.)

J (laughs hysterically for four or five minutes, then stops abruptly): Doesn't that… hurt?

Y: No, not really. It's just humiliating.

J: Oh. (continues laughing for a good ten minutes)

(The audience grows bored.)

Y: Now, seriously, stop.

(He does stop. It's like MAGIC!)

J: Two questions: How did you get him to do that and where can I get a tape?

Y (grins evilly): Oh, I have my ways. And you can get a copy in the gift shop! (Turns to audience) Well, I'm sorry, but that's all the time we have for today!

(Audience shifts in seats. Vague mutters of "Rip off!" and muffled shouts of "You suck!" can be heard.)

Y: Being a Jacob fan was actually fun!

J: I'm just going to, uh, go now.

Y: OH NO YOU DON'T! (huggle-glomps on to Jacob)

J: Get away from me!

Y: No! My man-candy!

J: Security!

Y: Take one step towards me and you're fired, personal body guards!

(Camera pans out. The scuffle continues until a camera is knocked over. Colored bars appear.)

THE END!

Hope you enjoyed my imaginary interviews (and the REAL one last chapter). Nice therapy for you angry non-Edward lovers.

Finally, as I have said before and will say again, in case of flames: this is all a joke. If you cannot take one, do not read it. I am not targeting anyone… other than the whole fandom.

A present for reading all the way to hear: an official year-length membership of the ITF. That's Intelligent Twilight Fans, for you non-members.

Say the pledge with me: I understand Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse. I am educated enough to make a conscious decision between Edward and Jacob. I will not resort to screaming, "OMG he is so much better!" at members of the opposite side. I have the right to freedom of idolism, which means I in turn will not persecute those of other traditions of faith- er, fangirlism.

Did you say it?

No?

Then say it.

Did you really do it this time?

Good.

This is the first step. If we can just agree to disagree… who knows what we can achieve?

Good fanfiction… no more flamewars… spam-free forums…

I have a dream. In this dream, my children will not be judged on their Jacob/Edward preference, but on the content of their character… -proceeds to rip off Martin Luther King-

Seriously, how great would it be if all the Twilight fans across the globe held hands and swayed side to side singing, "All you need is love!"?

Well, that was weird.

Again, this is the only pro-Jacob chapter I'm posting. Whoo. I think I got all my werewolf sentiments out.

JACOB SUCKS!

Just kidding. Ish.

I leave you with this parting flame, that I really did receive:

_why do you hate Jacob that much?  
is it just because you feel threatened with the fact that someone could be  
better than your made up obsession named "Edwardo"?  
really, think about it, how much would you love to be put in Jacob's position  
and have your love taken away from you.  
seriously? are you that cooped up and 'emo/goth' in ur stupid corner on the  
computer 24/7 that you havent even had someone love you or have you never  
loved anyone else?  
if you just so HAPPEN to be old and married (which you probably arent to be  
living with your mom) and that crap than obviously you have no life._

Hee. Seriously. Whoa. I think I just died a little on the inside. Again.

That was a little mean though. Please take this as a warning sign… if your flames look like this, get AWAY from the computer. Srsly. Or better yet, take a Doritos break.

Hey, Marshi, try telling me I hate Jacob now.

**Well, I hope you at least got a laugh out of it. Please review, I love to know what I'm doing right (and wrong).**


	44. Breaking Dawn

Breaking Dawn!

Now, there's been a lot of hype over the next Twilight book. Of course, you rabid fans know that more than anybody.

So when I saw this, courtesy of yellowspotlight98 and IsabellaMarieCullen3214, I was giddy.

Mediafire . com / ?wnzj1121mli

I'll wait here while your jaw drops open.

Real? I think so.

I don't think it's the final copy (just LOOK at all those typos!) but I do think this is a draft of chapter uno.

For one, it's dead-on in style and plot… the only WTF moment I had was the wolf-vamp friendship, but hey. Could happen.

Isabella assures me it is one-hundred-percent real. Take it as you will.

Now, I'm never one to give just a simple A/N slash commentary (that's what blogs are for!). Ignore those couple A/N chapters and the fact that this fic is, at heart, a huge A/N.

I've enclosed this chapter of funnyness.

First, let me explain:

I'm switching schools next year. My friends are naturally upset at this, and in vengeance, a couple stole my notebooks and decided to write "funny" delusional stories. My personal favorite is by Kelsey. Oh, how I love you.

Elizabeth: Messed Up for Life

By: Your BFFL Kelsey

Once upon a time, in a little town called Houston, there was a girl named Elizabeth. She attended Duchesne, the best school ever because she had friends there. Everyone loved having Elizabeth at Duchesne.

Life was great for everyone… until, in Elizabeth's stupid mind, she thought she might want to leave Duchesne. Christina heard this thought and froze and turned to Elizabeth and glared. Everyone was upset with her for even thinking about going to the EVIL, STUPID, BAD KINKAID!

She thought about staying at Duchesne and everything went back to the same. Life was happy again. But still, in the back of her stupid little mind there was the thought of KINKAID.

After a long time of debating, it was time for the choice of a lifetime. Dana, dana, dana…

"What's your choice?" we all asked.

"Um, I chose Kinkaid," she said. WHAAATTT?!

From that day on everyone was mad at Elizabeth. Without listening to her friends, she went on to STUPID, UGLY, BAD, UNSMART KINKAID!

Years and years passed and high school was over all her ex-friends went on to great colleges. But Elizabeth went to KINKAID and wasn't able to go to college. So now she is living under I-10 wishing she had gone to Duchesne for high school. Her life wouldn't be messed up.

The END!

Yeah, real mature, guys.

And now my whole notebook is filled with Kinkaid-hatred. Sniff.

Well, hope you at least enjoyed the first chapter of Breaking Dawn…

Lots of love and all that junk,

yayme2012


	45. Contest II

If you haven't read the first chapter of Breaking Dawn or seen the cover art, don't read this. Unless you want to hear all the spoilers.

Well, well, well, look who was wrong! The chapter I shared with you all was deemed a "convincing fake" by some. But it was real! I mean, seriously, I expected more from SM. I thought, personally, that it was either an early draft or a very professional piece of fanfiction.

There was almost nothing changed (other than typos). Ugh. Kind of a waste of money.

The cover art's been up for a while… people thought that was a fake, too. It was real.

And speculation continues on the quote for the cover art:

"_Don't be afraid," I murmured._

"_We belong together."_

_I was abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words._

_This moment was so perfect, so right,_

_there was no way to doubt it._

_His arms wrapped around me,_

_holding me against him…._

_It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire._

"_Forever," he agreed._

So: Are they talking about the changing? The wedding? The sex?

And furthermore…

Is it even Edward?

C'mon, it could be Jacob… or Mike… or someone else entirely.

Which is why we (yayme2012 + IsabellaMarieCullen3214) bring you:

Breaking Dawn Spoiler Alert Contest!

The only rule: include that quote in it.

Submission starts now and ends on July 1st.

Voting begins on July 2nd and ends on July 15th… which is incidentally my birthday.

There are three awards possible:

Funniest. Self-explanatory. Voting will be by the general public on my (yayme2012's) profile.

Best. Best writing, skill, use of quote, etc. The ultimate winner. Voting will be by the general public on IsabellaMarieCullen3214's profile.

Most Accurate. Closest to the scene in the real Breaking Dawn. Will be awarded some time after release date, to be judged by us.

To submit: PM yours truly and I'll add it to a C2.

Hopefully, we'll get as many submissions as I got for the BellaxBananas contest/challenge.

Looking forward to hearing from all of you!


	46. Hells Pass Hospital

_**A/N: New poll is up! Have you ever wanted to know how old I am? Now you don't have to know! By voting/guessing, we can change my age. And that, my friends, is American democracy.**_

_**--**_

_I've gotten two fantastic entries for Contest-o Dos so far. C'mon, guys! I know there's more budding comedians (and actually good writers) out there!_

**_--_**

_**In completely unrelated news, Dexter season 3 started filming today. Can I hear a holla-back from any Dexter fans?**_

_**--**_

_**Well, it's the return of (gasp) a real cliché. Yes, an honest-to-goodness script format piece of crap (hurrah!). Or gold, whatever (hehe). Stop that (no)! Oh, the voices…**_

_**This is inspired by a real fic- then again, I twisted around the entire plot. I'm sincerely sorry for bashing it. I'm taking it out of context and making it look ridiculous…**_

Hells Pass Hospital

Bella: Hmmm… I think I'll go ride my motorcycle with Jacob, who is magically in La Push instead of hiding out in the woods like the end of Eclipse states.

Jacob: Hey, Bella! Are you ready?

--

Bella's heart: I can't wait to hear Edward's voice!

Bella's mind: Wait a second… isn't this set in Eclipse?

Bella's heart: Yup. When she's about to marry Edward.

Bella's mind: But then… why do you want to hear Edward's voice?

Bella's heart: -shrug- Idk, my bff Jill?

--

Jacob: So, ready to go?

Bella: Yeppers!

-Bella crashes about a dozen times. She is sent to the hospital.-

Bella: Jesus, Edward is SO overprotective. I mean, come on! I have to go to the hospital just for a concussion and some broken bones? Jeez!

--

Bella's mind: Wait a tick tock. Is Edward gone or not?

Bella's heart: Um… shut up! Shut it off!

Bella's mind: Okay, shutting up.

--

Random Medical guy (let's call him "Bobby"): What up, dawg?

Bella: Heh?

Bobby: Come in to this conveniently placed darkened room so I can, um, show you your, um, test results…

Bella: Sweet baby Jesus I'm dumb.

-Bobby rapes Bella. Though she does not fight back then, a scuffle occurs afterward.-

Bella: NOOOO!

-Bella pushes him and runs away-

Bella: Gee, I hope I didn't hurt him. And I hope Edward doesn't find out. –Sees Jacob- JAKE!

Jacob: You look kind of scared.

Bella: What do you mean?

Jacob: Like you just got raped or something.

Bella: No I didn't! Shut up! Shut it off!

Jacob: Kay then!

-Bella returns home safely to Edward-

Edward: So, have you been watching the news lately?

Bella: No, I only watch the Colbert Report. (A/N: Squee!)

Edward: -clears throat- Well… guess what?

Bella: What Edward my one and only love?

Edward: A hospital worker was mysteriously pushed out the window earlier today!

Bella: Oh no! I hope he doesn't find out it was me!

Edward: Find out what was you?

Bella: Did I say that out loud? Oh, it's nothing.

Edward: I believe you because I am a gullible fool.

-Three days later-

Carlisle: Bella, we have a surprise for you!

Bella: Is it a pony?

Carlisle: NO! It's your new special friend?

Bella: -twitch- What??

Carlisle: You remember that hospital guy who fell from a window?

Edward: -muttering-

Carlisle: What was that?

Edward: I said, he was pu-

Bella: That's enough talking for now, Eddiekins!

Edward: -growl-

-SMASH!-

Edward: -whimper-

Carlisle: Well, here's what happened…

--

-Flashback-

Carlisle: Doot do do, walking around the hospital for no apparent reason… Oh, it's raining men!

Bobby: Please… help… me…

Carlisle: No can do, binky boy. Unless…

Bobby: Unless… what?

Carlisle: No, I can't tell you.

Bobby: Please… I'm… dying here… literally… (OH THE BAD PUN!)

Carlisle: Well, I could bite you and make you suffer the fires of hell so you could become a vampire and live out the rest of eternity alone.

Bobby: Sound fine by me!

Carlisle: -chomp-

-End Flashback-

--

Carlisle: And there you have it!

Bella: -twitch-

-Bobby comes out of, like, OMG! nowhere-

Bella: Oh god… I hope they don't find out I pushed him out the window… or that he raped me.

Edward: Talking out loud again, dearie.

Bella: Righto.

--

Will they find out Bella pushed him out the window? Will they find out Bobby raped Bella? What the hell happened to the rest of the Cullens, where are they?

What about Jacob?

What about global warming?

What about, what about, what about the color shout?

For the answer to these and other thrilling questions, tune in next week.

_**A/N: -glows proudly- I think I just outdid myself.**_


	47. Twilight XY

_A/N: So, I haven't got anymore submissions yet! Come on, guys…_

_NYC is… I don't want to get into it._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I do not own Twilight, I do not own Twilight… why does it still make me cry when I say that?_

_Oh yeah, I also don't own Kyle XY._

_In other news, has anyone seen The Happening yet? I heard it sucked… -shrug-_

_SPOILER 'LERT! Plants? Plants?? That's the insane thing taking over the world? PLANTS??_

_You've gotta be shitting me._

_Another thing: this chap has more profanity than they usually do._

_On to the Chappie!_

* * *

We see them while scrolling through fanfiction. They bog up the pages and make us feel sick to our stomachs.

I'm talking, of course, about crossovers.

We've all read them.

Some of them are actually really good.

But most fall into the big, fat CLICHÉ category. (Ooh, French accent, classy.)

Nothing is more unappealing though, the all-too-common combinations, such as, uh, Maximum Ride and Twilight. Or other books and Twilight. Or most TV shows… screw it, point is, crossovers are VERY susceptible to character clichés. (Rosalie's slutty, Alice's a shopaholic, Bella falls every other second, etc.)

So, ever read a Kyle XY x Twilight crossover?

Yeah. You'll know they suck. Which is why Author Angel and I got together to create this wonderful work of fiction.

Well, this is focusing more on the Kyle XY fandom then Twilight, but I'm sure you'll all appreciate it.

(A note to AuthorAngel: I'm sorry about not running it by you… I had about 5 min of wifi to post, so I hope you like it… sry about Jessi-bashing.)

Without further ado…

* * *

Twilight XY

This is dedicated to AuthorAngel's friend MC, who passed away on June 1st .

(The following section is written by Author Angel.)

"Kyle, like, come on! It's like, time to go! I'm running out of pessimistic things to say here!" Lori screamed. "We have to go to the boring town of Forks, so we might as well get it over with! Josh, do you have everything?"

Josh came tumbling down the stairs, tripping over the last step.

His bag flew into the air.

Playpen magazines fell all over the place.

Lori rose and eyebrow and picked one up.

"Didn't Andy say she'd kill you if you ever looked at one of these again?" she asked. Josh stuck his tongue out at her.

"Come on! If it is as boring as mom and dad say, then why the freak are we going?"

"Because they want us to appreciate the life we have, idk," Lori sighed. "KYLE!"

"Coming, coming. I had to do an alien thing, you know," Kyle said, slumping down the stairs, his hair in an emo-ish fashion. "Lori, why does the world hate me? I have a psychotic twin around, my dad is supposedly dead, you two are oblivious and stupid, and I am brooding over the love of my life!" he moaned.

"Whatchoo talking 'bout Willis?" Lori squealed. "You are getting crazy. I thought we had given you your medicine! Whatever, STFU! Get in the car."

Meanwhile in the hall of- I mean, in the town of Forks.

"I love you so much, Bella," Edward said, fondling her hair, even though they were at school.

"I love you too. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever tear us apart…"

"Okay, what the hell is this?" Their attention both snapped to three kids.

The one who had spoken wore short shorts and had long red-brown hair. "Ooh, hott-ay alert," she said, whipping out her cell phone. "Hey, Hils? Yeah, Forks actually has some sexy guys! Ooh, that one's ass is cute!"

She continued to babble while Bella was mesmerized by the boy that stood next to her. He had spiky brown hair and wore a shirt that said I'd Rather Be -

Writer: WHOA WHOA WAIT A MINUTE! That's Josh, check the script!

Bella: -looks down- Oh right….-clears throat-

Bella was mesmerized by the boy that stood next to her. He had shaggy black hair and beautiful blue-green eyes. He raised his hands above his head and stretched, causing his shirt to rise up, exposing his belly-buttonless abs.

"Hey, Edward."

"Yeah, Bella?"

"Do you have a bellybutton?"

"Yeah…"

"We're over," she said and then sprinted over to Kyle, who was staring at the beautiful, full-lipped, brown eyed creature in front of him.

"I love you," she said, gazing into his eyes. "You don't know it yet, but we're soul mates."

"I do now. Come, let us skip off into the sunset," Kyle said, taking Bella's hand without any thoughts of Amanda.

"Just so you know, the writers will break us up later and force us back with our canon couples."

Bella shrugged. "Works for me."

Meanwhile, at the Cullen House….

Rosalie: WHAT THE FICUS IS GOING ON? -staring at Hillary and Emmett in bed naked-

Emmett: -gulps- Ireallyliketanspleasedon'ttearmetoshreads!

Rosalie: -shrugs- Whatev. -turns to Josh- Wanna make out?

Josh: -grinning like an idiot. Then Andy comes storming in carrying a

torch.-

Andy: STAY AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND! –Lights Rosalie on fire-

* * *

(The following section is written by your's truly... in other words, me.)

Meanwhile, back somewhere near Seattle, Washington…

Jessi was sitting and staring out the window. "Hmmm," she thought aloud to herself to herself. "I wonder what happened to all my friends and enemies."

Just then, her mother, who didn't really give a shit about her until now, conveniently popped in. "Oh, sweetiepoopsiekins?"

"What, Mom?" Jessie groaned.

"We're going to Forks today?"

"Why?" Jessie groaned yet again.

"I have a, um, business meeting. Yeah."

Jessie leapt up and gave her mom a hug. "I didn't know you got a job!"

"Oh. Yes. Well, I did. Just… yesterday," she said whilst looking shifty-eyed.

"Who are you working for?"

Her mom narrowed her eyes. "You sure ask a lot of questions." There was a long, awkward silence. "NOW GET IN THE CAR!"

-Generic amount of time later-

Jessie's mom's car suddenly pulled up to Forks High School, where everyone was conveniently located. "Bye bye, honey!"

"Wh-what?"

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but I don't really give a shit about you. I just came here to see if someone would adopt you."

And with that, the car screeched away, leaving Jessie open-mouthed on the curb.

After a moment, she stormed inside. She swept past the skaters, who gave her odd looks. She ran past the ghetto crowd, who started shooting at her. She skipped daintily past a nerd and a jock, who were, for some odd reason, singing something that sounded like, "We're flying, soaring, there's not a place in heaven that we can't reach!"

Weird.

Anyhoo, she finally reached the cafeteria, which was crowded and full. There was a corner of the room with nine nearly-empty tables. There was one in the middle of them with a single guy sitting alone.

"Wow, the only person people hate more than me," Jessi thought.

"Wow, the only person with more emo-ish emotions than me," Jasper thought.

She made her way over to the table.

"Hi, I'm Jessi," she said as she sat down.

"Hi, I'm Jasper," he said as he sat there.

"OMG, we're both J's!" Jessi thought.

"OMG, we're both J's!" Jasper thought.

They both said so out loud and then blushed.

Of course, this led to a long, steamy makeout session. Which led to another one. Ad infinitum.

Amanda sat and stared out the window. Her mother did not conveniently come in and whisk her off to Forks. Aliens did not abduct her. She didn't meet her soulmate, either.

She just sat and stared out the window.

Let's recap. Bella is with Kyle, Hillary is with Emmett, Jasper is with Jessi, Rosalie is kinda with Josh but she might be dead or something due to Andy's flamethrower, Alice and Edward are totally making out due to boredom and loneliness, Lori's texting Declan and being angsty, and Amanda's still all, "WTF, mate?"

Are we clear?

Cool.

So, all the couples lived happily ever after, because they were like totally meant to be, right?

WRONG!

A bus randomly pulled up to Forks High. The driver jumped out and yelled, "All aboard for Seattle!"

"Well," Kyle said while hefting a bag that was randomly on his shoulder, "I guess this is goodbye." He kissed Bella for a moment before sprinting to the bus. The rest of the Tragers joined him, as well as Hillary, Andy, and Jessi.

They all breathed a sigh of relief as the doors closed.

"So what did we all learn today?" the bus driver asked.

"Never leave your soul mate for a one-day fling?" Kyle tried.

"Always use protection?" Hillary asked.

"Don't make out with hot blond vampires?" Josh tried.

"Vampires aren't fireproof?" Andy asked.

"Matching J's do not constitute as love?" Jessi tried.

"Never trust houseplants," concluded Lori.

"True dat," the bus driver said. They laughed in unison cheerfully the whole way home. Then they all lived happily ever after. THE END!

* * *

_-chuckle- That felt pretty good._

_Well, hope you enjoyed your dose of random! Let me know via review… or better yet, stop by the forums!_

_And still… I need more submissions! Please? And vote in the poll…_

_While I'm asking for things, I'd like to thank y'all. Never have I ever dreamed that I would have this many people understand why I was frustrated with the fandom and actually find my work funny._

_I'd like to thank all reviewers, users or otherwise. And hey, if you've never reviewed before, it's not too late!_


	48. Not Dead Yet

Hey, everybody! A short notice so that you know I'm not dead.

This has been a crazy couple of weeks for me… I was in NYC for two weeks, then Pennsylvania, then Baltimore… but I'm home now, so it's all good.

I've been working on new chapters of everything… I actually have a nice long oneshot ready to go with a companion drabble. I'm almost done with the next chap of AOA.

And as for Bad Fanfiction? Don't worry, I haven't forgotten you all. A script-y HP-centric chapter is in the works, with some other ideas floating around.

The contest is over… the submissions are up. But I'm late getting the poll done, so the voting will last a bit longer.

Also, I'd like y'all's help for the next feature: 100 Worst Summaries. Simply copy-paste your fave worst summaries (easily found on the front page of new Twilight fics) into my new Forums topic. If you don't know how to get there, just ask.

So, I'll have a chapter in the next week. If I don't, I'll have it in a month, because I'll be away that long. Ugh.


	49. 100 Worst Summaries, Part One

_A/N: Due to bouts of procrastination (such as discovering the wonderful Anakin McFly) and actual WORK in the real world, this is only the first segment of 100 Worst Summaries._

_And I had a wonderful birthday. New/old poll is up and running. And no, I'm not saying how old I am. But the top result of the poll is NOT my real age._

_Unfortunately, I'm leaving Saturday for a full month- and yes, I will have NO internet access. I'm looking forward to the vacation from work. That's a lie; I'll be writing all while I'm gone so I'll have a batch of updates. Though school starts literally the day after I get back._

_I got a startling amount of submissions! Contributors: somerandomTwilightfan, the epitome of randomness, Queen of the Unknown, MonSolo23, Jasper's My Name, Oxygen.and.Cucumber, Stacey Marie, PrincessDudette, IsabellaMarieCullen3214._

_And, none of these are parodies. All of these are REAL. Yes, that's right._

_Let the madness begin! Note that they aren't in order._

**100 Worst Summaries- The First 30**

1. 5 years after Edward leaves Bella, he hears a song that is written by her. He is soon left with two choices, find Bella and get back with her or continue to be miserable. What will he choose?

2. So Bella stays at the cullen's house and the pranking begins with Bella! Starts off with Bella getting thrown out of a window...need i say more? It has some ExB fluff and a lot of laughs!Emmett singing,not swearing...Rosealie goes blue! Interested?

3. Bella's life at Forks is looking to great she has to deal with the stress of beig popular and has to constantly play by Laurens rules.What happens when Bella starts talking to Edward and takes charge of her own life.

4. Edward is a player. Bella has had a hard knock life and is the lead singer of the band Flyleaf. Put these two togather and you have a hell of a story! ALL HUMAN. T for now

5. When bella's life seems to be going right for once, something happens that turns it all upside down. She is threatened with losing everything.The answer is obvious to everyone, but will Edward decide to go through with it? read and review please :D

6. Don't worry about it I'll save you anytime you need me to. And it's a pleasure meeting you." He replied so smoothly. I turned crimson with his words. "Your blushing… its beautiful" my first fan fic please read and review thanks!i owe the title to luvnycki

7. Bella is a girl from the world of fashion when her famous SuperModel mother dies she is sent to live with her father,How will she deal with being in a small town compared to the big city life she has lived,and will she find what the meaning of life is BPO

8. Ever thought about what was running through Elizeabeths Masens head the day her son "Died" or what Dr. Cullen was thinking ? now u can rated T cuz im crazy

9. I'm The aouthour of Nothing Compares To You, the story of a 4 year old girl named Bella who is found by Vampire Edward Cullen, and What happens to them since that day, Is it love?, THIS IS THE SAME STORY BUT BETTER THAN THE FIRST,LONGER AND MORE TWIST!

10. Edward is The Captain of the biggest Vampirate ship on the ocean, Bella is the daughter of the Captain of the ship who has the key to the most amazing riches beyond comparison. Edward attacks his ship and kills everyone on it, everyone on Charlie's ship..

11. Jake does something bad to Bella. Really bad. Check this out. It's good. This takes place before Eclipse and after New Moon. REVIEW! Please?

12. Emmett and Bella decide to play a trick on Rosalie and Edward by making a fake video of themselves sex sounds , and texting it to Edward and Rosalie's phones. It's really funny! Review plz! Contains some bad language and adult themes. But no explicit stu

13. Charlie goes away for the summer and leaves Bella with Alice and Emmett. What happens when Jacob is making the moves on Bella, but then she meets Alice's cousin Edward, who's also staying with them for the summer. AU/OOC. BxE EMxR AxJ

14. Ever wondered what happens when vampires and the jonas brothers collide ? Nick finds himself in love with a vampire, Mel. Can they stay together when Edward forbides their love after losing Bella? A twilight story

15. IT'S REALLY GOOD!

16. After Edward left Bella in Forks, 2 years later, Bella gets into a car accident and gets changed. But who changed her? And, 40 years later, Bella meets the Cullens in high school. Only...a lot has happened in 40 years. R&R!

17. I know vampires are not supposed to have children, but what if bella was the exception to that rule, what if she could have children... i dont own any of these characters, i m just fantasizng, i promise i will give them back when i m done... thx 2 SM!

18. Edward left Bella in the woods as we all know. But he didnt know he was leaving not only bella but his unborn child. 5 years later will Natalia Swan meet her father? Read and reveiw! Rated T for saftey BellaXEd ...

19. Its good

20. It is good

21. The unthinkable, the unMENTIONABLE happens; Bella kills herself during the transformation. But 18 yrs later, edward meets Indie. She's just like Bella, but also her own self. Will she pull Edward out of his depression? could it possibly be... love? gasp

22. Bella is a nerd. Edward is Mr.Popular- who don't know what he wants. Bella goes to Italy over the summer with his family but he dosn't pay attention to her and comes back amazing. He wants her. But does she want him? R&R .All human

23. this is a letter to all my readers who read but don't review please read.

24. Takes place New Moonish.Edward leves Bella but he leaves her pregnant.Neither one of them know.What will happen when Bella finds out.And when the Cullens come back what will she do?And how will she react?Keep Reading It Gets Better!I Do Not Own Twilight!

25. Bella runs away from her abusive father, and goes to live on the streets of the city, when a strange girl finds her and forces her to come live with her and her family, she will me Edward, a married Edward. what will happen? heck i dont even know. pls rea

26. Jasper, the Almighty Bella is now a vampire, and the Cullens decide to take her on her first hunting trip, when something unexpected happens. Jasper, accidentally turns into God. "It is I, Jasper the Almighty!" Random oneshot .

27. What if Carlisle had come back instead of Alice? What if Edward hadn't gone to Italy? What if Bella got over Edward? My first attepmt at Bella/Carlisle. Please read. Took me three hours to do chapter one. :D

28. t has been 70 years since Edward left Bella one day they see a concert in cali where they are currently living for ACID ANGELS which is led by Bella and her new family they are Vamp and werewolf hunters they are wherecats so will Bella let Edward back in...

29. It has been five years since Edward left. Bella is changed and becomes

famous. She has a coven. What happens one night when shes preforming and she runs into The Cullens. And Edward's new girlfriend.

30. A STORY ABOUT LESSONS WE HAVE HAVE TO LEARN, LIFE AND LEARNING MISTAKES ARE A PART OF LIFE, SOMETHING EVERYONE IN THE CULLEN FAMILY HAS TO LEARN A WELL AS BELLA AND AVA NEED TO LEARN, FROM AGE FOUR AND UP BELLA LIVES WITH THE CULLENS. YES IT IS RATED M!

31. Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you fell in love with Edward? I have. I'm very different from Bella, and so is my life, but at the same time very similar. This is the story of what my life would be like if I fell in love with Edward


	50. Chapter 50

Warning: The following chapter contains copious amounts of spoilers

and the occasional explexitive.

Let me say first of all that Breaking Dawn was a major mind-fuck.

Thank you.

Seriously, the book had me going from the start. The day I got it, I

wandered around dazed wondering when I could get back to reading it.

In a way, I'm glad I'm relatively isolated from the internet (and

other people who have read it) right now- leaves me free to form my

own opinions.

The other mind-bending part... the way amazing, drop-dead awesome bits

were juxtaposed with the occasional badfic-esque plot twists. By

adding Renesmee, SM gratified pregnancy fic writers, leaving those

with common sense going, "Huh?" at first glance.

And with Jacob's imprint. Really. Though I think they're not so bad

together, in the end.

Jacob's bit. Ah, I'm sure many Jake-haters struggled through that

section. It was quite necessary, though- if it had been from Bella's

POV, she would've been all, "Oh, I'm fine, really." We needed someone

to cut the crap and talk about what's really going on.

I don't hate Renesmee's character, per se; the concept of SM going

against her carefully laid vampire biology just annoyed the hell out

of me. I thought Renesmee and Bella's maternal instinct were both

quite adorable. Renesmee is likely to spawn rabid plot bunnies the way

Claire/Quil did. But more.

Simply put, it was a lot more than I expected, and I'm not just

talking about the page count.

It's not like I was expecting a happily ever after kinda thing. I knew

the Volturi would have to be involved by the end.

It's the little bits that kept me going; the romantic concepts that

made me sigh, the new Cullens' happiness, the angsty Jacob section

(which again, got quite draggy at bits), Leah's character revisions,

vampire toddlers, cute new human characters, flavorful new vamps,

delicious descriptions, etc etc etc.

In the end, the confrontation in the clearing redeemed it for me. Just

when Bella is stretching herself on the believability of character

front, SM makes it so right, so cannon that some weaker areas can be

ignored.

I was prepared to come storming back and write a scathing review of

how SM destroyed the Twilight saga. But all the stupidity gathered

from parts1, 2, and some of 3 were somehow overcome as the group of

vampires united, trained, and finally entered the fateful meeting with



the Volturi.

In that one scene, so many characters are explored, redeemed,

exploited, revealed. The Cullens' futures go from bleak to dazzling

snd back again in a matter of pages. Powers are shown, decisions are

made. History is made as well. And everything is finally tied together

with a neat little bow.

It's wonderful, as a fan and a writer, to see writing of that

caliber in what some non "Twilighters" see as a trite love story.

I can't wait to see how they make a movie out of BD. Good luck.

I'm out of snark, sarcasm, and all other forms of witticism- I really

must go. Drop me a review, though it's unlikely I'll be able to reply

for quite a while. I don't have much time with wifi- HouseMDLove is

posting this for me.

See y'all soon. And please, if you disagree, don't outright flame me.

Be a reasonable adult about it.

After all, it is my vacation.


	51. Breaking Dawn UberParody

Breaking Dawn Uber Parody- Chapter One

A/N: Hello all. I'm back from my month (!) of vacation. Still catching up on reviews and PMs... Sorry for the inconvenience. I emerge a better person, and (hopefully) a better writer.

While I was gone, it seems the forums have taken a life of their own... Hurry over and check it out.

The response to Breaking Dawn, as well as my review, was all over the place. The people that liked it thought my review was favorable towards the book; the people that didn't thought I hated it as well. Hmmm. The view from the fence is quite nice.

I'm still flipping out. Hard to believe school starts literally tomorrow.

Enjoy your childhood while it lasts. And enjoy this chapter.

Bella: No one's looking at me, no one's looking at me, no one's looking at me...!

-Brand new Mercedes attracts everyone's stares as it races across the intersection-

Bella: Hmmm. It seems I've caused a national oil crisis with my reckless driving. Oh well. Better go get some more gas!

Random dude: Excuse me, could I take a picture of your extremely flashy car?

Bella: Surewhatevergetouttamyface!

Random dude: Ya know, it's indestructible... Missile-proof glass, tank-like armor... It's practically a Hummer! Say, what's your mpg on this?

Bella: Uh...

Random dude: This is destroying the environment!

Bella: I-

Random dude: We're in the middle of an oil crisis and you're off driving this- this abomination!

Bella: Really, I-

Random dude: I need to send a pic of this to my friends! They won't believe this unless they see it.

Bella: I have to-

Random guy: Get rid of this car? Of course! Thank you! -leaves-

Bella: Golly, I could've gotten killed by that rabid environmentalist. I'd better call Edward and let him know I'm okay. Wait, it's flashback time!

-Flashback! Flashback!-

Bella: Dad... We have some big news.

Charlie: You're pregnant, aren't you? Die! Die! -shoots at Edward-

Eddie: Agh! My spleen! -falls-

Bella: Wait a tick-tock... That's not what happened!

yayme: Right, right... -sigh-

Bella: Dad, we have some big news.

Charlie: You're not up the spout, are you?

Bella: Er, what?

Charlie: Is your eggo preggo? That's what you teenagers say these days, right?

Bella: No and no. We're getting married.

Charlie: Why on God's green earth would you-

Edward: Shut up!

Charlie: What was that?!

Edward -quietly-: Nothing.

Charlie: Well, I'm fine with it anyhow. Ha! Hahaha! Ha! Ha!

Bella: Dad?

Edward: I think he's finally lost it... Oo

Charlie: You have to! Ha! Call! Ha! Your! Ha! Mom!

Bella: Shitshitshit...

-Back to the future!-

Bella: Whew, that was tiring. Please tell me there's not another goddamn-

-Flashback! Flashback!-

Bella: Uh, Mom, I'm marrying-

Renee: Edward? Excellent!

Bella: I thought you'd be mad...

Renee: Of course not! In an act of motherliness, love, and prescription drugs, I renounce my hatred of marriage!

Bella: Hurrah!

-Once more back to present day!-

Bella: Well, I'd better get home. Ooh, a poster of my former love, mechanic, and BFF! I'd better call Seth.

-whips out new phone-

Seth: HeyBella! Jacob'sfineandinCanada! WouldyoutellEdwardthathe'ssuperspecialawesomeforme?

Bella: Sure?

Seth: Thankssomuch! Seeyaatthewedding! -hangs up-

Bella: That's weird. Seth is always asking me what Edward's favorite things are and telling me to pass along messages. Almost like he's in love...

-Burnt-out light bulb pops up-

Bella: Nah! -skips into house- I'm ho-ome!

Charlie: Does this tuxedo make me look fat?

Bella: Of course not-

Charlie: It totally does! -bursts into tears-

Bella: Why can't I-

Alice: Finish a single sentence today? Yayme2012 thought it'd annoy you so badly you would give up Edward.

Bella: Not a chance.

Alice: Well, anyhoo, it's time to fit your dress for the millionth time. Lalala, sticking pins into Bella!

Bella: Happy place, happy place...

Alice: Ooh, blood! Yummy!

Will Alice eat Bella? Will Seth confess his love for Edward? Will Bella trade in her Mercedes for a hybrid? Stay tuned!

Drop me a review- let me know if I stilll got it or I'm just wiggedy wack.

I thought previously I would quit at fifty chapters. However, I'll keep going as long as people keep reading. I'll find inspiration somehow. I've considered launching a blog... Any thoughts?


	52. Bill and Ted

**This is a super duper stuffed chapter. Includes some summaries, a parody, a review, and an announcement. I love you guys!**

**Some featured summaries:**

SONGFIC about how people felt in NM Rated T only because I not sure...

**I not sure? Cool.**

RatedTforlanguage.What happens wen its ur birthday and ur bf has horrible news-hes moving?wut happens wen u find him in dire pain in the woods and u hear the rest of his family that u luv is in the same pain?wut will happen next for bella?first fanfic R&R

**Well, I read the fic. It wasn't that awful (grammar- and plot-wise)… until everyone took being changed into a vamp calmly. And Esme got electrocuted. Then they got hit by a car. Hahahha. Sounded defs like Bad FF.**

**READ MORE ON THE FORUMS!**

**School is hard- I'm in too many Honors/AP. I don't get much time to write FF- I've been writing tons for my new writing class. I'll be making a fictionpress account soon.**

**Well, according to the new ReaderTraffic, I have readers from **

**Lithuania, Israel, Czech Repub., Saudi Arabia, Norway, Switzerland, Finland, Portugal, Croatia, Poland, France, Turkey, Ireland, the Phillippines, China (6!), Mali, the Netherlands, Sweden, Romania, Germany, Singapore (16!), New Zealand, Argentina, Brazil (1 dedicated reader who apparently read 34 chapters in one go), India, Mexico, Taiwan, Malaysia, Brunei, the UK, Australia, and Canada. Oh yeah, and there's about 1K of you from the US. XD**

**Seriously, I am overwhelmed. Even if the RT stats aren't near accurate, I am still impressed. –Sniff- this is making me all sentimental…**

**Back to business.**

**Because I can't harp on AH's enough, I have this. I've been inspired by Keanu Reeves as of late, and by Anakin McFly, one of the most AWESOME FF writers ever.**

**I present to you:**

**AH: Bill and Ted Version**

"What an egregiously boring day," Edwin remarked to his best friend Emmette. They perched on a table at the edge of the food court. The people going by weren't of any interest.

"I know," he sighed back.

A group of girls walked by suddenly. One of them winked at Edwin.

Emmette slapped his hand. "Excellent!" They air-guitared.

Another girl came by. "Hi. My friend, Belle, thinks you're kinda cute. I think you're weird, personally, but I said I'd tell you." She pointed back to the winking girl who was now blushing.

"No way!" Edwin remarked.

"Yes way!" the girl, who happened to be named Alex, said mockingly back.

The joke flew over both of the boys' heads and continued on to Canada.

Alex sighed. "Look, she wants me to ask if you like her," she continued.

Edwin turned to Emmette. "Dude, what should I say?"

"I dunno. You should most definitely ask her out."

Alex turned to go. "I'll take that as a yes."

The boys both watched her go. Edwin looked at his friend. "Thanks, man."

"No problem. Hey, that blond babe…" he stared at a girl named Rosaline, "I think she's…" She was now pointing and giggling. Emmette's eyes bulged in disbelief. "Whoa!"

"What?" Edwin cried, clutching his arm.

"She's checking me out!"

"Excellent!"

They air-guitared again.

There was a moment of silence as gears in their brains turned.

Emmette said hesitantly, "So, shouldn't you, like… ask her out?"

"Right, dude!" Edwin showed no signs of getting up.

Across the food court, a group of boys approached the girls' table. A certain blond-spiked boy stood out.

Their friend Jack (a hybrid of Jacob and Jasper) approached their table. "Whoa, what is that royally ugly dude doing talking to Belle?"

"Bogus."

Jack, who was marginally brighter than the duo, suggested, "I dunno, dudes, but maybe you could, like, go over and rescue them? Their situation looks most heinous."

"Totally," they breathed in unison. They slowly made their way to the other side.

"Belle?" Edwin asked hesitantly.

She whirled. "Oh, hi."

"Your friend, uh… Alex, told me you wanted to talk to me."

The blond boy whispered in her ear and she giggled. "That's not very nice, Mike!" she scolded.

Edwin was feeling woefully inadequate.

"Yes, that..." she said, looking him over carefully. "Well, I was feeling lonely. But Mike and his friends are so nice!"

The boy called Mike whispered something to the group of friends and they all laughed.

Emmette approached the blond girl. "I couldn't help but notice you most definitely-"

She gave him a disdainful look. "I would never."

"Oh. Well…" Emmette floundered for words. "Catcha later, dudes." He pulled Edwin away from the crowd.

"What did you do that for? It was going most-"

"Bogus," he said, interrupting.

Edwin sighed. It was true. He wasn't doing quite so well.

He perched on the edge of their table again. "What an egregiously boring day," he remarked.

"I know," his friend sighed back. Just then, another group of girls conveniently passed by.

They yelled, "Excellent!" in unison and air-guitared.

Ad infinitum.

**Not my funniest, I think, but I guess school's getting to me. And if you've never seen Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, do so. Or get out of my sight!**

**So. In case you've been living under a rock or just don't go out much, a portion of Midnight Sun was released by SM last Thursday.**

**What can I say? It was the same magic Twilight was made of, if not a more magical magic. If there is really such a thing as a more magical magic, or magic alone in any matter. It was enrapturing and captivating and amazing and wonderful and I think it just might've brought me out of my post-BD funk. And I can't wait for SM to stop feeling like shit and write again. If the first half of the book, where they aren't even really together, reads like that, I can't even **_**imagine**_** how many fangirls will spontaneously combust whilst reading the meadow scene.**

**If you haven't already started reading it, then- I don't even need to complete that sentence. It's good. And even if you don't read it it's not going to help her write faster.**

**It felt to me like- beyond the amazing amazingness, it was a rebuke to all bad!fic writers. Like SM gratified them with the whole eggo-preggo thing and then gave them a kick in the face with Edward's oh-so-cannon and lovely version of Twilight.**

**My thoughts are there, share yours.**

**And, my final announce: I'm starting a site. A real one. Anakin McFly is inspiring me again with her magic and Whoa Is (Not) Me.**

**I'm considering the title Shot Out the Cannon.**

**The site would have three main components- SM Say What?, Critic's Bite, and ASPCA. Contact me for how to help. More details to come, sorry. I have to go!**

**Lots of love and sarcasm,**

**yayme2012**


	53. ProChoice

_So, you've probably all heard about Hurricane Ike, correct? We were pretty lucky- we have power and cable now, almost no damage to the house (many trees down), and the next week of school off. This gives me a chance to catch up with everything, including this fic._

_This next chapter is a realist's- or perhaps cynist's- approach to the whole baby situation._

_It is with great woe that I publish this chapter: the backlash over Stephenie Meyer's latest choices (ie Breaking Dawn plot points, the release of Midnight Sun via her page) threatens to divide the fandom. As if the movie wasn't a big enough threat._

_It wasn't like the Twilight fandom was a happy little cozy place where friends met in unity over mutual love of the series to begin with, but certain authors I know are either abandoning the fandom (Insanity's Partner) or considering it. Hate reigns among the badfic writers and flamers and honestly, I'm sick of it all. I honestly haven't been looking for new fics, and the group I subscribe to is getting worse and worse in terms of quality. But I'll live._

_The fandom is split: the camp that liked Breaking Dawn (the major population love it except agree Renesmee is a horrible name) and the cynical side that hated it. I judge neither- or is that a lie? I personally am leaning towards the dislike, but don't believe it's an abomination. Midnight Sun? Fantastic. SM's best piece of writing. Hopefully she'll stop being all whiney about it and finish it (for deets, see Insanity's Partner's resignation letter in my fave author's)._

_Either way, I'll try to stay on the fence and ridicule both sides. The view's nice up here. Won't you join me?_

_xoxo,_

_yayme2012_

_PS: I watched Back to the Future for the first time the other night. It was _awesome_._

* * *

She stood, hands on hips, pregnant belly jutting out comically.

Edward paced the room angrily. His head whipped from side to side as he listened to the heated discussion between Rosalie and Carlisle.

"Rosalie, it's really not safe for-"

"The hell it is!" She dropped her voice a human-proof level. "Listen, we are keeping that baby in there until she drops dea-"

Rosalie was interrupted by Edward's growl. Bella looked at him in confusion. "Nothing," he soothed, then turned and argued quietly and hectically with Rosalie.

Bella, tired of standing, sat on the couch next to Emmett.

"Your eggo is preggo, sis-in-law," he remarked with a grin.

"Jesus Christ, I thought we already covered all the Juno quotes!" The annoyed voice came not from Edward, but from Jasper.

"Huh?" Emmett asked him.

"Chapter fifty-one… never mind." He sighed and took a place next to the two on the couch.

Bella was thinking, _I can't wait to meet my somehow perfect vampire child._

Jasper was thinking, _I am so damn tired of this family and its drama._

Carlisle was thinking, _This is really not safe. I have moral, ethical, and legal concerns as a doctor._

Rosalie was thinking, _Screw Bella, I want a baby!_

Edward was thinking, _Please please please don't let Bella die. She's survived three books already!_

Alice was thinking, _I wonder what size the baby is… does Little Marc come in baby sizes?_

Esme was thinking, _I can't wait to be a grandmother._

Emmett was thinking nothing at all.

Alice walked in the room. "All these visions are giving me _such _a headache." She sighed and joined the growing group on the apparently infinitely long couch.

Edward and Rosalie were arguing furiously. Hands up, Carlisle took a step back and sat on the couch as well. Esme joined him soon after.

After about a couple of minutes, Rosalie and Edward noticed that no one was talking and all eyes were on them. They kept talking.

"Shut up," Bella said softly.

They both turned. "What was that?" Edward asked sheepishly.

"I said shut up!" she suddenly yelled. They all looked at her oddly.

She burst into tears.

"I just… I'm tired and hurt and hungry and I feel FAT! I want it out now!"

Everyone gave her an even stranger look.

Esme put a supportive hand on her back. "Are you really sure that…"

"YES!"

"Well, because I don't like when people make their own choice, we're going to vote on it. Alice?"

"From the little I can see, Renesmee-"

Bella stared. "What?"

"Renesmee. You name her Renesmee."

"Why?"

"Honestly, Bella, I don't know how your mind works. Anyway, _Renesmee_ doesn't even like shopping that much. And if you have the baby I won't be around for a good portion of the book anyway."

"Okay. So one for removing the baby… Carlisle?"

"I'd really feel better if it was out but-"

"That's two! Jasper?"

"I don't give a damn!" he whispered from his emo-corner.

"Three down! Rose?"

"F-- this. SM will probably contradict this and let me get my own happily ever after anyhow."

"Emmett?"

"Like Jasper, I don't really give a shit."

"Uh, sure. Edward?"

"Get it out!"

"Bella?"

"I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat I'm FAT!"

"So, that's all for removing it?" Esme asked. They nodded and Carlisle went to go get his supplies. There was silence until Jasper raised his hand from the emo-corner.

"Yes?"

"Well, uh… do you think there's any possibility Stephenie Meyer could be making a pro-life statement through this?" he asked hesitantly.

"No!" the rest of the Cullens shouted in unison. "Of course not!"

Jasper nodded his head in a sad sort of way.

Carlisle reappeared, brandished a large amount of shiny tools. "Relax, Bella, this won't hurt a bit…"

The room went black.


	54. Fictional

**A/N: My response to all Robert-Pattinson-becomes-my-bf/Edward-comes-out-of-the-book fics. Inspired by Anakin McFly yet again. And this is HP-centric. Actually, I'm considering a story from this. Prob just an extended oneshot.**

**To anyone not given the full scoop on what SM's doing for the whole Jack's Mannequin vid thing: She's writing the "treatment". Basically, she writes what'll happen in the video (storyline, tone, actions, etc.) Longer article is on her site.**

**I just watched it. It's… interesting. Tell me what you think!**

**Sorry if you prefer the crazy script chapters to this slightly serious stuff… I'm working on a new writing style- real life, not Bad Fanfiction! Don't worry, script will return soon. Life is hectic, crazy, and amazing. It feels like I've gotten to a really good place in my life right now. Hopefully it'll stay that way for a while. Shit has happened in the last couple months, but I still feel all right.**

**Here's to hoping it stays that way. **

Two very serious looking teenage girls stared at the man sitting across from them. The clock ticked ominously on the wall. One reached out and poked him.

"…Ow," he said with some surprise.

The girl with short brown hair turned to the other in exasperation. "See, if he was the _real _one he wouldn't have felt it!"

"Could be faking it…"

Cedric Diggory was very confused. Less than ten minutes ago he had been in the maze, ready to claim his prize, and now he didn't know were the hell he was. This small room was so stuffy and boring. He stared at the blank cream walls and nondescript desk as if hoping they would tell him what was happening.

The girls across from him were arguing now about something named rPatz. Sounded like some kind of antacid or something. He itched his foot for a moment. This room was very boring. His stomach rumbled.

"Er, could I have some food?"

Less than a minute later, a slightly happier Mr. Diggory was munching on some chips.

"Edward?" one of the girls asked, as if she was talking to him. Cedric had eaten over half of the chips and was now wondering what most of the words on the ingredients list meant.

The less vocal blond girl spoke up. "Mr. Cullen?"

Cedric still made no move to address them.

"Spunk Ransom?"

He finally looked up at this. "Who's Spunk Ransom?" he asked good-naturedly.

The brown haired one sighed. She seemed to have some anger issues. The blond one made a gesture for her to shut up, then turned back to the disoriented Hufflepuff.

"What's your name?"

"Cedric Diggory," he replied without thinking. But his father had always told him never to talk to strangers…

_Shut up, brain, _he commanded himself.

She looked at him with concern. "Where are you from?"

"Hogwarts, Hufflepuff House, but before that-"

"That'll do," the brunette said, interrupting, and he was surprised to find himself complying.

The blonde sighed. "Maybe you're right…"

"I always am," the brunette replied, seemingly amused.

They began talking, possibly about him. After a few minutes he could no longer follow their train of conversation. There was something about fictional universes and inter-dimensional machines. Hogwarts seemed so _easy _compared to this.

This thought brought on a whole different web of thoughts. Harry had been with him when he touched the cup. Was it possible Harry was being questioned by strange people as well?

"Where's Harry?"

The annoyed girl motioned to the bag under her chair. He peered at it in confusion. It looked so _small_.

Sighing, the blonde removed two books from the bag. One was black with a picture of an apple, and the other had a picture of none other than... Harry, grinning madly.

_Well, of course, _he scolded himself. _People are always writing Harry's "True Life Story". _But this picture had Cedric in the background.

"So where is he?" he asked, still confused.

The blond tapped the book and smirked. Cedric's eyes grew wide and his mouth almost dropped open.

"You trapped Harry in a _book?"_

The brown-haired girl rubbed her forehead. "Not too smart, is he?" she asked wryly. Cedric refused to rise to the bait. He still didn't see what was so obvious.

"Listen, whatever you've done with Harry, you _have _to let him go. We have a Triwizard Tournament to finish."

"Well, about that…" The blonde giggled and he frowned. He thought she was on his side. The other girl giggled as well and suddenly they were overwhelmed by some unknown hilarity.

Cedric frowned again and slid the book with the apple on it toward him. It looked a little creepy, to be honest. He flipped it over and read the back. Some kind of crap love story. Finding it uninteresting, he turned to the two girls.

They kept laughing and occasionally exclaiming, "You tell him!" or "No, you tell him!"

Cedric was not usually a violent person. He was content to figure things out through logic or charisma rather than brute force. But this really had been a very frustrating day.

He slammed his hands down on the table. "Tell me bloody what?!" he near-yelled at them. His breath came in short bursts and he was already turning a lovely shade of pink.

Surprisingly, the girls continued giggling. The blonde seemed to recover after several dramatic gasps.

"You're… you're fictional!"

And everything clicked.

This was why he felt like he had been watched. Why everything seemed like some kind of fantasy story. Why he felt _compelled _to do things, like someone was dictating his life. It made sense that he was fictional, he guessed.

He slid the book over to him again and examined the cover again. It _did _all line up, then… He read the reviews briefly on the back and then the inside jacket. This was surreal. It was a relief in a way to figure out what was going on finally. He felt oddly detached. Floating almost.

He blinked hard, squeezing his eyes to block out the artificial light. The room spun around him in crazy circles and he scrabbled for some kind of edge to hold onto as the implications of all this took hold.

Everything he had known was fake- and he could never go back.

He gasped unintentionally. He fell back in his chair, hitting the floor with a hollow clatter. He could hear voices above him, faces hovering over with expressions of mock-concern. The ceiling vibrated back and forth before his tired eyes.

The room stopped moving for a few dizzying moments of stillness… then everything went black.

TO BE CONTINUED

**You likey?**


	55. Trollz Lolz

Hey, long time no see. School, work, and cross country is keeping me pretty busy, but I found enough time to ridicule someone for you all.

Today's topic is **trolls**_**. **_Trolls use to just mean people that go onto boards and flame and try to start fights, but there's a new class of trolls: **pretend trolls**.

Apparently, people think it's freakin' hilarious to write Twila-esque stories and see what reviews they generate. I think it's freakin' hilarious, but still.

The real problem with this is it's hard to tell apart the pretend trolls and really bad writers. So when you write, "This is a joke, right?" as a review, sometimes the real writers go, "OMG U R SO MEAN!" The pretend trolls usually respond the same way, blurring the line between fiction and reality.

The really funny thing is some unprepared pretend trolls forget that they posted actually decent writing on the same account. Reviewers call them out on this and the joke is over.

This is sad. Very sad. Honestly, today's youth should have a better knowledge of how to screw with peoples' minds. Which is why I bring you: **How to Be a Troll**

Step 1: Start an Account

This step is fundamental in the fake troll world. You need some numbers, randomly capitalized letters, and the word "blood" or "darkness". Examples: xxx_bloodyrists666 _(or whatever), _TwilaBeautifulPsycoTopazCullen, BloodLovrrrr, DarknezForever121, I'mATrOllbutIcouldn'tTHInkofaNAME, EdwardLovesJacob_

You need an authentic troll-y profile. Include the author of My Immortal as an inspiration to you. Pretend to be goth. Or whatever.

Step 2: Start Your Story

First, you need to pick one particular subject. Examples: Edward is in love with Jacob, Billy is in love with Shit, (Name) is in love with (Name), Bella has magic goth powerz lolz, Carlisle is Satan, everyone dies, everyone is a ghost… OR COMBINE ALL OF THEM FOR ULTIMATE LOLZ lolz. Find your shtick. Goth, emo, prep, whiny wannabe. Inhabit your persona. Make it shine.

Then write a first chapter, or at least a couple. They need to have bad grammar and spelling. Wild inaccuracies help. Make sure it's pretty bad. If it gets too ridiculous, people will suspect you're a fake.

Post the first one or two. You'll get a couple incredulous reviews. Now it's time for Phase 3.

Step 3: Flaming and Faming (is fame a verb?)

Pick a couple authors. One or two widely-known ones, a couple lower ones, people in the middle. Whatever. Flame their stories, insult their mothers, do whatever it takes to get them to read and flame your story. If it's bad enough, hopefully they'll pass it on to friends. Maybe you'll even be featured on Bad Fanfiction or something similar.

Be prepared for fan- or hate-mail. Have a couple of responses copied to your desktop for stock replies:

"STOP FLAMONG U PREP!"

"Your comments really hurt me deep."

"That was rude!"

"GO AWAY!"

"U r so mean! I'm not goth! Go awai!"

"…"

Sometimes the best reply is nothing at all.

Step 4: Keep It Going

This step is the most difficult. Anyone can just post a chapter or two of "and then eddie died, but i kissed him. i waz wearing a black and white turquoise-yellow dress", but it takes a really dedicated fake troll to keep going after ten or so.

If you find yourself losing inspiration, just remind yourself how awesome Step 5 will be.

Step 5: The Big Reveal

You have two options:

**a)** Secret reveal.

Make it seem like your real account "just slips out". You can reply like a normal person to a pm, make a truly ridiculous chapter, anything to rouse suspicion. Then have someone- another one of your accounts or an accomplice- claim to know who you really are.

You can also do a secret email account or a secret site. The little links on your profile that say email and homepage, ya know? Put a made-up email address with your real account, or set your homepage similarly. Someone can discover it or you can use another account or something.

**b) **Boasty reveal.

Make a public announcement on the story that you are a fake troll. Just say "Haha! I win! You thought I was real!"

Simple, effective, and a little attention-hogging. I prefer the mysterious approach.

Of course, you could choose not to do either and let your cyber persona fade away, forgetting the glory days of your pretentious youth. But why waste all your digital work, all those hours you spent intentionally misspelling words like "crucifix" and "darkness"?

So, be a fame-ho or a troll who people only remember as, "Oh, yeah, EbonyRavenPrincess. She was kind of funny. I wonder what happened."

There's always the option of not even starting a troll story. But where's the fun in that?

Troll on,

yayme2012

aka WingzofDarknezz666

PS: New poll up!


	56. Election Day

It was approximately three in the morning at the Cullen household. Edward was stroking Bella's hair while they sat on the couch. The news was playing very, very quietly in the background.

Edward scoffed in disbelief. "I can't believe this guy! He just won't stop making fun of him."

"Well, he kind of deserves to be made fun of," Bella commented, lying lazily on his lap.

"Are you kidding me? I would totally vote for-"

Bella sat straight up and stared into Edward's eyes. "Please tell me you were not about to say who I thought you were."

"Honestly, Bella, he has a plan for America. I think he'll be great as president." He nodded as he spoke confidently.

She abruptly moved off his lap and shook her head. "He's an awful, retarded-"

"Oh, no you did not just. He's not retarded, in case you haven't noticed. You're the retard here."

"It's people like you, Edward Cullen, that make me ashamed to be a vampire."

"Oh, like who you want is so cool? You and your little-"

Esme stepped into the living room to find the couple fighting. She took a deep breath before speaking. "Edward, you can't vote. Technically, the Cullen family doesn't exist in the eyes of the government and we're going to keep it that way. So, no voting."

"Shit."

"Whereas Bella was registered as a voter when she turned eighteen and is still registered as Bella Swan."

"Yes!"

"But she's technically supposed to be off at Dartmouth right now and it would be awfully suspicious if she showed up magically in Forks to vote."

"Shit."

Esme smiled to herself. She just loved ruining their little debates.

**So, who DO you think Edward would vote for?**

**McCain due to age and experience?**

**Obama due to change and intelligence?**

**Vote in the poll. We'll see who wins when the election comes.**

**Oh yeah, I might actually post a real chapter. Just you wait.**


	57. Anniversary

It's Bad Fanfiction's first anniversary. I have to say, I never thought I'd make it this far when I started.

Here is its story, told in annoying third-person format.

It was November 14, 2008. A certain author by the name of yayme2012 was slumped in her desk chair, staring blankly at the computer. She had just read another awful fanfiction where every single character was either dared to make out with their secret one tru luv lolz or suffered a makeover. She was also contemplating the fact that she had no reviews.

Suddenly, she jumped out of her chair. "I know! I will write a Twilight parody! And it will receive major lolz!" By major lolz, she meant somewhere over 3 reviews.

And of course, her parents burst in her room and said, "What exactly are you doing at two in the morning?"

That was rather inconvenient.

So she kicked her parents out and wrote and wrote. 2 hours and 5 avocadoes later, she was done. She thought long and hard about the name until she finally settled on "Bad Fanfiction". She posted it, intending for it to be a oneshot and nothing more.

The next day, she rushed to her computer. 37 new emails! Spam… spam… spam… ah, a couple reviews for Bad Fanfiction.

"This parody thing isn't too hard," yayme thought aloud. So she sat again and began writing a second chapter.

And so it was born.

--

You all know what happened after that. I'm sure you've read this fic.

Of course, it wasn't all as simple as that. There were times she wanted to quit, even though there was a rush of support from the fanfic community. There were times when the homework seemed to overwhelm her. There were times when she just couldn't think of anything to make fun of.

Hence the influx of many blog-like updates.

However… out of this stupidity grew greatness, hilarity, and a humongous ego. And so she wrote more happily, albeit with a slightly larger ego.

The next year of school was much, much harder. For example, yayme was enrolled in much, much harder classes. Creative writing sucked out all her creative juice and she was tired of staring at blank word documents. She was also in sports that actually had late practice times. Every time she didn't post or heard an "update please!!1!!" she was rather upset. She cried many nights and realized that this all may have to come to an end. What better way to do it than on the one-year anniversary?

I'm sorry.

I tried. I really did.

Greatest apologies,

yayme2012


	58. I'm continuing

Well, first I need to apologize. I've been having a tough week and I probably shouldn't of let that carry over to here. I don't want to quit, really. I was just kind of fed up.

I made an awful mistake and I'm sorry. I hope to continue this.

On another note...

You honestly believed that I was finished with this, just like that? Seriously? I mean, honestly, when Twilight the Movie comes out next week?

Hells no. I have to review it. Plus there's still more things I want to do. I've only dipped my toe into good ol' fanfiction dot net. At heart, I'm very, very selfish. I'd love to say I'm staying to improve the world, but… it's more about laughing about things we can't control and all that shit.

True, I probably won't be updating a TON. I'll still be here.

I was honestly surprised by the reactions. A couple were all, "NOOOO!" but the majority were mature wishes of good luck.

Anyhoo. Let's try to pretend that never happened, alright?

Some people say the movie's gonna suck. My prediction: it won't be awful, just woefully inaccurate regarding the book. All the plot changes and all. I know a lot of fans are unsatisfied with casting. Hardcore fans will hate it, but there'll be much more new fans.

And more fans = more fanfiction.

And more fanfiction = more bad!fics.

And more bad!fics = more Bad Fanfiction.

As you can see, I'll be sticking around for a while. Hopefully. I'm sorry about that whole freak-out. I kinda had a rough night. I'm good now.

-yayme2012


	59. Crouching Tiger, Human Edward

**I figured I should post a chapter before the fandom collapses or spontaneously combusts Friday pm. After Nov. 21st, we are entering a new era of bad!fics…**

**On another note, I saw Coldplay last night. They were amazing. Chris Martin was literally bouncing around the stage. Everything was absolutely perfect… and Fix You IS Jacob's theme song.**

**Anyhoo.**

**The ever-famous… Bella-is-a-vampire-and-Edward-is-a-human! I'm kinda ripping some of this off of Shinga of livejournal… she wrote this hilarious parody of Twilight… 'twas amazing.**

**Warning: may offend "Twihards".**

**Shinga dot livejournal dot com slash 478415 dot html**

**And heeeere's mine. Note: "Reviewers" refers to readers of Bad Fanfiction/ intelligent people. "Fans" refers to rabid, logic-ignoring fangirls. Enjoy!**

Forbidden Love/ Something to do with time/ Something to do with attraction/ Something to do with blood/ Midnight Sun

**Prologue**

Prologue: -is all vague about someone's death, lalala-

Edward: I am a human. Hm. Apparently, my personality's similar to Bella's, so I'm moving to Forks.

Author: Too predictable. Really, Edward?

Edward: Fine. I'm moving here because my parents are like super smart so they're going to work for a super secret government project.

Reviewers: Wait, what?

Edward: Because all super secret things, like bombs and mythical creatures, are hidden in small rainy towns.

Reviewers: Wait, what?

Edward: I'm gonna angst now.

_In another part of the world…_

Bella: I is vampire and people-eater! Rawr!

Author: Uh, wrong story…

Bella: I mean, I'm Bella. I've been a vampire since 1918. Apparently, that was the only year that humans were changed into vampires. I have the power of mind-shields, but we don't really know that yet. We haven't met the Volturi, apparently. Also, I'm beautiful and smartastical, making me even more of a Mary Sue! Did I mention that I'm still somehow clumsy and graceful?

Alice: Hi! I'm exactly the same as I am in Twilight!

Jasper, Esme, Carlisle, and Emmett: Us too!

Rosalie: For some reason, I still hate Bella.

Bella: What?

Rosalie: -innocently- Nothing.

_In another part of Forks…_

Charlie: Welcome to our new home. I'm your dad.

Elizabeth: And I'm your mom.

Reviewers: Wait, please explain to me why exactly you just shipped Edward's mother and Bella's father? Uh, messed up much?

Logic: I'm neglected. :(

Edward: It's like I don't even know what that is anymore.

Author: Shut up. Will Edward meet Bella? Will they fall in love? Will Rosalie stop hating Bella? Does anyone NOT ask rhetorical questions constantly?

**Chapter 1: The Meeting (of souls, of minds, and of broccoli)**

First day of school: :)

Edward: Screw you, Forks sucks.

First day of school: :(

Jessica: -plays role of Mike-

Edward: Screw you, Forks sucks.

Jessica: :(

Mr. Banner: Welcome to bio!

Edward: Screw you, Forks- ooh, hot girl! I'm gonna walk that way.

Bella: Mmm, yummy. Must… resist… blood…

Edward: Uh, hey.

Bella: -ignores-

Edward: -is ignored-

Bell: Ring ring ring!

Edward: I think I'll go to the office and talk to that random fat lady.

Bella: I smell you. I leave now.

Edward: Not cool, not cool.

Bella: I drive fast!

Esme: What's up, favorite daughter. I worry for your health sometimes because you don't have a boyfriend.

Bella: I can be a loser if I want to. :(

Esme: Um… is there anything you wanted to tell us?

Bella: Hey y'all, I'm heading to Canada.

Esme: …why exactly?

Bella: No reason.

Fans: OMG NEXT CHAP PLZ.

Author: Oh, shit. I actually have reviewers. That means… I actually have to write! WAH! :'(

**Chapter 2: The Return (dun dun dun)**

Edward: So, uh, life kinda sucks. This Bella girl whose name I magically know is like, gone. For some reason, I'm really stupid. But did I mention I play piano?

Piano: -is played-

Tears: -fall from his face-

Bella: -watches from a window- I hath returned from Alaska whilst I pondered yonder lad.

Edward: Well, whatever. I'm going to hell- I mean, school now.

_At the school of rock…_

Bella: Hey, Edward, you don't suck.

Edward: Really? Thanks.

Bella: Let's be friends. Wait, never mind. Stupid idea.

Reviewers: Wait, what?

Bella: I still retain human characteristics like stupidity, self-esteem issues, and angst even though I'm a vampire. Also, I'm Edward, but not.

Reviewers: Wait, what?

Author: -sigh- Never mind, stfu.

Bella: So wanna be friends even though we shouldn't?

Edward: Sure.

Bella: REJECTED!

Edward: Wait, what?

Bella: Stop making me think so hard! –runs away in tears-

Some smart-ass: Vampires can't cry.

Bella: It's, uh, fake tears. Yeah.

Fans: OMG like Edward is sexy.

Author: Yeah, I know, rite? OMG I'm gonna write another chapter.

**Chapter 3: Bring Your Vampire to Work Day**

Author: Other Cullens do not get enough luff. In a misguided attempt to give them luff, I will write a chapter on them.

Alice: Let's go shopping, Bella!

Plot: Where am I?

Alice: Shut up, I'm gonna buy Bella a beautiful sky blue dress that goes to her knees with a lace trim that matches these cute black flats.

Plot: Like, seriously, what happened to me? I used to be all, 'Ooh, look! Someone's going to kill you, Bella!' Now I've been reduced to mere outfit descriptions? I'm being ignored!

Logic: Join the club.

Alice: So, uh, we're at the mall. Shop.

Bella: I hate clothes. I would rather be ignored by everyone even though I'm special and pretty and cool and I really, really want Edward to be my boyfriend.

Alice: Yeah, what's going on with you guys?

Reviewers: What _is_ going on with you guys?

Bella: That's a good question. Well, you see, I want his blood. But he intrigues me. There's something about him…

Fans: OMG that's just like Twilight.

Reviewers: We know. Ugh.

Alice: Let's not buy anything after this soul searching conversation and go home now.

Bella: Yay!

Emmett: I'm your big bro. Come give me a hug.

Jasper: We don't really have a relationship.

Esme: I love you, daughter o' mine!

Rosalie: I'm just here to look pretty.

yayme2012: STUPID AUTHOR! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP NAME-DROPPING CULLENS! YOU GAVE THEM THE PERSONALITY OF INANIMATE OBJECTS!

Emmett: I'm cardboard!

Rosalie: Dibs on granite.

Carlisle: Come to the hospital, I have candy.

Bella: Really?

Carlisle: No. But I love you.

Bella: That's nice.

Carlisle: There's something I have to tell you. I never thought this day would come, but it needs to be said. You see, when a man loves a woman…

Bella: Ew, Dad, no. It's not like that. I talked to him, like twice. He is my too-ah kahn-tant-ey. That means blood singer, you plebe. And I obsess about him in my sleep. Did I say sleep? I meant lucid dreaming. Because I can't sleep.

Carlisle: Okay. Use protection! A baby could ruin your life.

Bella: How would I have a human baby?

Carlisle: Not a human baby- a half-vampire, half-human one.

Bella's thoughts: Psh, half-vampire babies are impossible.

Smeyer: Teehee, even my own characters think vampire hybrids are unbelievable!

Author: We need to end the chapter NOW! Everybody out!

Readers: YAY! I luvvvv Bella n Edward. But where's Jacob?

Author: Oh, he's coming…

Reviewers: -Cringe-

**On that –To be continued- I leave you…**

**And I WILL update immediately after I see the movie. Probably.**

**A section will be open all day for your comments in the Bad Fanfiction Forums…**


	60. The Movie

Warning: Here there be spoilers. And the possibility of profanity. Beware.

I was planning on posting an uber-critical rant on the movie as soon as I got home.

But you know what? It was Friday night, I was tired, T:TM wasn't bad enough to keep me up til 1 am, and the world could wait another day until I was lucid enough to reveal my startling insight.

"So how was Twilight?" a couple people have asked me recently.

And my reply? "Uh, well, I dunno."

Truly, I'm not sure what to think of the movie overall. I'm going to instead air all of my opinions in a long, comprehensive review. Before you think I hated it, I didn't. I'm just being critical.

First of all, it was completely unfaithful to the book, which I was expecting. I knew Hardwicke and co. wanted more action in the movie, but…

I know some people say, "It's really good if you don't expect it to be just like the book!"

To me, to fully "get it", you would have to read the book, love the characters, but accept that the movie's going to change some things. Some of my friends who never read the book watched it and were like, "It's… okay." Some hardcore-r people I knew thought it was awful re: staying true to the book. It seemed the people happiest with it were the ones somewhere in the middle.

Once you accept that the movie's gonna be different plot and time-wise, it's great though. Fast moving, entertaining…

Moving on.

The opening killed me. That's what really draws me into the movie. I liked the whole idea of opening with Cullens hunting, but with the prologue…? And I disliked how Bella was all, "Phil loves Renee, so I'm moving." One of the great things that originally drew me into Twilight was how Smeyer obeyed the rule of show, don't tell. Better to only give details and let readers wonder than go with an outright "my life, let me show it to you."

Spunk Ransom… what can I say about him? He was drop-dead sexy and in-character in most scenes, but a fake American nerd in one or two. His appearance changed pretty quick. Sometimes he had sex hair and a gorgeous, glowing face and sometimes he had a white-guy afro and the good health of a chain smoker. The best thing I can say about that is that he has a good range… except that's a problem when you're supposed to stay in character.

He has Ray-Ban's, so all is forgiven.

Seriously, how bad-ass was that scene? They were just like, "Foom! We're getting out of the car and breaking rules and looking sexy!" And Edward was all, "Screw you, Forks, I have Ray-Ban's and a smirk!"

The bio scene (onion-root lab) was a failure. Yeah, they tried to make it funnier and more awkward, but they missed the dramatic convo and had it out of class. All I got out of that scene was Bella was pissed and Edward didn't get it. And then she explained it then he was all, "Oh. Okay then." I dunno, it just…

Kristin Stewart as Bella… I was prepared to hate her. Honestly, I thought she looked like a scared Abercrombie model in commercials, but less so in the actual movie. Overall, I thought she did a great job.

I loved Charlie. Just loved the whole pepper spray incidents.

Jacob. Let's see… Hardwicke and co. completed screwed up the bonfire meeting and instead of being all coy, Bella was like, "Hey, what about Edward?" and Jacob's like, "Quileutes are wolves!" and she's like, "What about Edward???"

And then some random people ran through smacking each other with a piece of rope (or maybe that was giant, mutated seaweed?). That was kind of awesome.

Back to Jacob… he was kinda cool. Interesting to see how Lautner takes on New Moon.

All the little people made it for me. Eric, who was apparently combined with Ben, was lol-worthy ("The feature's dead! Yeah, I've got your back, baby."). He was probably my favorite.

Angela was quirkily amazing. Jessica was hilariously valley-girly. And Mike… I loved that guy.

Esme was a nice, motherly choice. Carlisle was cool too. Emmett was, yeah, good, but he didn't get many big brotherly moments at all. Rosalie seemed boring at times, but she really shined in the scene after they cooked Bella's dinner ("I hope you're hungry!" "Uh, yeah, of course." "She already ate." –CRASH-).

Alice was pretty good despite the lack of screen time. Jasper was hilarious in a sad way. Seriously, all he did was stand there and be emo. As one Twihating friend pointed out, "Jasper's awesome!" When questioned why, she said, "He's the only one who didn't rant on pointlessly."

Soundtrack-wise: there's some awesome music. 'Nuff said. I'm not going to bore you with an analysis of Bella's lullaby.

Visually, the film was pretty cool. It kept an indie feel to it, though I thought the camera guy was getting a little happy with the whole zooming in on eyes and rotating around people. During the trailers, I noticed how blue everything looked, and was relieved it wasn't so blue in the movie.

I'm seeing it again tomorrow, so I may add on some details (as well as plain old gushing). After pointing out all of its flaws, I'm ready to just enjoy it.

Your thoughts, please.


	61. Yum, Lemons

The Twilight Sex Fic

(Warning: contains rather mature and decidedly unsexy words)

Edward: Hello, my love. I leave you to go eat bears.

Bella: Oh, cool. Hey, wait a second… now that Breaking Dawn has officially happened and I'm a vampire, shouldn't I be referred to, by default, as a vampire? Like, ya know, not being fragile or having to stay home while you hunt?

Yayme2012: Breaking Dawn didn't happen, Breaking Dawn didn't happen…

Edward: I… uh… well… -poofs away-

Bella: Aw, shit. What to do, what to do... Hm, I think I'll check out fanfiction today. Do doo do doo, scrolling down. AU about time travel… Edward leaving… a fairly angsty oneshot about Jane… slash… another one about Edward leaving... slash... ooh! An all-human fic! I haven't read any of these in a while.

(clicks link)

Computer: PENIS VAGINA PENIS VAGINA PENIS VAGINA PENIS!

Bella: WAHHHH!

Computer: NIPPLES!

Bella: WAHHHHH!

Computer: SEX!

Bella: WAHHHHHH!

Computer: WORDS!

Bella: WAHHHHHHHHHH!

(Screen freezes. Camera pans out and focuses on yayme2012 and Bella, who are sitting on a couch and looking at the camera QVC-style.)

Yayme2012: Has this ever happened to you or a loved one? Have you been unfairly exposed to graphic lemons of retarded nature, with names of body parts thrown in to make it sexier?

(Bella nods sadly.)

Yayme: Then you may be eligible for a free trial of Lemon-B-Gone!

Bella (fakely): What's that?

Yayme: LBG is a unique system in that it targets breakouts of awful before they even happen. It detects the subtle or not so subtle clues in the author's note and the text of the chapter to decide exactly when and between who a lemon will occur.

Bella: Oh, that's neat.

Yayme: Once it's done that, it evaluates the style of the writing to decide whether a lemon will be one of utter sexiness or merely spirit-in-the-goodness-of-humanity-crushing, body-parts-randomly-thrown-in sex.

Bella: So, where can I find this magical software?

Yayme: Unfortunately, it doesn't exist… yet.

Bella: -cries to herself-

Yayme: That's okay, we have something to make you feel better. Billy, bring out the hostage- er, author!

(A wheely chair rolls in from off-screen. A young girl of perhaps thirteen is strapped to it.)

Yayme: Hello, can you please tell us your name?

Girl: Real life or fanfiction?

(Yayme and Bella sigh dramatically at the camera)

Yayme: Fanfiction will do.

Girl: Well, my name is heroin-volvo-god.

Bella: And how the hell did you come up with that?

Girl: Well, you see, there's that Twilight quote with the heroin. And Edward drives a Volvo and he's a god, so-

Yayme: Not interesting. We'll just call ya Addict. So, do you write lemons?

Addict: What? No, of course not!

Yayme (slowly): Do… your fics… contain… sex?

Addict: Yeah, but-

Yayme: Then you have a lemon.

Addict: But they're sweet and adorable and-

Bella: No.

Yayme: Let's pull up a section, shall we?

(A giant screen descends from the ceiling.)

Bella: Oh noes! I have insecurity issues!

Edward: Oh noes! I'm the school playboy!

Alice: I'm here to buy Bella clothes!

Bella: Edward, I love you.

Edward: K thanx bye.

Bella: What?

Edward: I mean, sexy time!

Description: Lalala, lots of stuff about penises and love…

Plot: Again, I'm neglected.

Pr0n: Teehee, I win this one!

(The lights flicker on. Yayme munches popcorn, Bella looks horrified, and Addict smirks.)

Yayme: Now do you see?

Bella: I see… too much… scarred for life…

Yayme: Not you, her.

Addict: I don't see what the problem is.

Yayme: It's… it's awful! There was no plot other than some kind of Bella-needs-a-bf and Edward-needs-to-be-humbled.

Addict: There's a lot more. There's like, true love and stuff.

Yayme: Oh, yes, that. Let's take a look at the OMGILY scene.

(Lights turn off again.)

Edward: Well, we've had sex three times now and we're avoiding each other to further the plot. I think it's time.

Bella: Time for wuttt?

Edward: Time to say you-know-what.

Bella: You know what?

Edward: Bella, I love you. You're so beautiful/intelligent/sexy/amazing/funny/gorgeous.

Bella: You're pretty. I love you.

(Lights flicker on again. Yayme is now standing and yelling.)

Yayme: Do you see now???

Bella: I see dead people.

Yayme: Again, Bella, stfu.

Addict: I don't think I quite get what you're saying. Do you dislike my writing?

Yayme (glowering): Yes.

Addict: Simple solution. Don't read it.

Yayme: Grrrr…

Addict: I mean, you just need to chill-

Yayme: No, I don't! Because awful people with their awful fanfiction! And their boarding school fics and their college fics and thir Edward-as-a-CEO fics! I hate you! I hate you all!

Addict (to Bella): Does this happen a lot?

Bella: Only when she looks in the recently added section and sees how many involve Edward leaving. Guards!

(Guards haul her away. There are muffled shouts of "But it's MY show!")

Bella: Wanna surf through her computer and ridicule her music, favorites, and writing?

Addict: Hells yeah.

(They grab a laptop sitting conveniently on the floor. Minutes pass.)

Bella: She sure has a lot of alternative music. Peh, typical prep-school wannabe-indie.

Addict: She sure has a lot of random things favorited. Ooh, what's that?

(Clicks link titled "Scarequeer".)

Bella and Addict: What the-

(Their heads asplode.)

Yayme: Mwahaha, the perfect revenge!

-END FIC-

-In case you didn't realize… ahem…

This is not directed at all writers of lemons/pr0n. I actually think some are quite good. This is about people who write in Bella + Eds meeting at college/hs and hooking up repeatedly. I swear to god if I hear another word about Bella "stroking his rock-hard cock" I may have to kill someone.

-Scarequeer is a slash pairing in Batman fics. Scarecrow/Jonathan Crane x Male character. I've been reading some lately.

-On a completely unrelated note, I'm going to China for three weeks after the break.

-Merry early Christmas (or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or whatever the hell you choose to celebrate :))

-Did you like it? Any categories of badfics I've been egregiously ignoring? I want to know.


	62. 2008

Y'know, I _could _write out a list of all the bad behavior I should reform over the next year. But I think you know by now I won't. So, instead, I present some Twilight related top 5's!

Note: I get angry and use my big-girl words on at least one occasion.

**Top Five Surprising Things About Boys**

1. **Boys can read Twilight too. **Yes, it's true. The word is out. Readers who happen to own a Y chromosome can enjoy our favorite series as well. Don't you remember your brother/friend/neighbor reading it? No? Then make them!

2. **TwilightGuy actually made me start liking Twilight again.** At first glance, I thought he'd be an annoying blogger, but I ended up liking his reviews, chapter by chapter, of the saga. Somehow seeing someone look at it with a fresh perspective made the books magic for me again. Never read his newsletter/blog? Double-u double-u double-u dot twilight guy dot com. Pretty simple.

3. **When asked about Twilight, a girl will start screaming about Edward. A boy can summarize it in under 30 seconds. **"So this girl, Bella leaves home because she loves her mom. All the boys are in love with her but she's like, "Fuck you, I love Edward Cullen because he sparkles!""

4. **Guy friends can be awkward and cute, just like Jacob! **Even if you think you're –this- close with your best guy friend and you have a completely harmless and platonic relationship, he can still totally hit on you. And it comes at really awkward times. Like when you're talking about Pokemon.

5. **Older guys are sexy. **Well, I'm not talking 104-year-old Edward or anything, but you know what I mean.

**Five Huge Disappointments/Things That Piss Me Off**

1. **The JoBros. **I swear to God I will have to smack a bitch if ONE MORE goddamn person describes them as bigger than the Beatles. Let me break it down… the Jonas Brothers are a group of teenagers who wear purity rings and sing Disney Channel music. I don't hate their music, I just think it belongs on that channel. The Beatles… were the fucking Beatles. They're one of the most recognized bands on earth of ALL TIME. Just because you get a bunch of tweens screaming, Joe Jonas, doesn't mean you're bigger than Paul, George, John, or Ringo.

2.** Breaking Dawn. **Yeah, yeah, yeah, ultimate end to the saga, blah blah blah. I still don't forgive you for Renesmee, Smeyer. Watch your back. Also, way to give everyone a happy ending… EXCEPT for Leah. Actually, I kinda like that. It's like a present to fanfic writers.

3. **The not-release of Midnight Sun. **You guys read it, right? I mean the legit copy on her site? Cause that is some good stuff right there. WE WANT MORE!

4. **The $700 billion bailout. **Come to think of it, I shouldn't really talk politics here.

5. **The movie fangirls. **Uh, congrats on the MTV Woman of the Year, btw. The screaming about Spunk Ransom is getting more than a leetle annoyeeng. While the movie wasn't a complete failure or anything imho, I think the book was much, much better. Like, infinitely so. Hopefully some of these new fans will at least read the effing book.

**5 Things That Happened to Me/My Writing**

1. **Switching schools. **This was seriously a good idea. The hs I go to now has much, much better classes and schedules and sports and arts… yeah, it's still a necessary evil, only not quite as evil.

2. **Realizing I wasn't a special and unique snowflake. **As self-esteem crushing as this might seem, getting over myself really helped. I think it might've had something to do with the fact that I was in a writing class with mostly seniors (T_T) who took the class for 2 years.

3. **Cross country. **A sport… that I'm actually decent at… sounds like an oxymoron, huh? This was one sport I actually didn't hate. Now that the season's over I can barely run… D:

4. **Discovering sections of fanfiction other than Twilight. **Including but not limited to: Max Ride, Harry Potter, Pokemon, Dexter, Nolan-verse Batman (like The Dark Knight), Greek, Wicked. Hell, there's even a section for TV commercials.

5. **Music. **Bands I've been listening to in the last month or so, since I can't keep track of the year: Cobra Starship, Vampire Weekend, Regina Spektor, MGMT, Franz Ferdinand, Little Jackie, Mates of State, Ok Go, Polyphonic Spree, the Ting Tings.

I've added at least 600 songs to my iPod, mainly through stealing CDs from friends and family.

_So, your turn. Favorite moment of 2008?_


	63. Notice

Heading to China tomorrow morning, and I'm dreadfully sorry to report there won't be any updates for about three weeks. But there IS a new fic of mine you can read (-point-points to "A Dangerous Journey"-) and I think y'all will enjoy it. ;)

See you all when I get back.


	64. Drabbles

Hello my lovelies. I'm back from China, which was a mostly good experience and all, but it's nice to be home. And to know that I'll be staying in one place for more than 3 days.

While I would love to claim credit for the entire drabbles that follow, I really used the Drabble Generator:

prillalar dot com slash drabbles

Easy, huh? It's like madlibs, only more awesome. So, I give you the following amazing works of literature: EdwardxBella, BellaxBanana, another EdwardxBella, and MikexBella. Enjoy.

**Edward and Bella**

by William Shakespeare

Enter Edward

Bella appears above at a window

**_Edward:_**

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the pillow, and Bella is the puppy.

Arise, gangly puppy, and ignore the forcedly cheerful pinecone.

See, how she leans her ankle upon her elbow!

O, that I were a glove upon that elbow,

That I might touch that ankle!

**_Bella:_**

O Edward, Edward! wherefore art thou Edward?

What's in a name? That which we call a knuckle

By any other name would smell as beat-up

Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like a disappointed circus clown"

And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,

Thou mayst prove banana yellow.

**_Edward:_**

Lady, by yonder forcedly cheerful pinecone I swear

That tips in the treetops the fuzzy certificate--

**_Bella:_**

O, swear not by the pinecone, the dusty pinecone,

That while blushing changes in its delicious orb,

Lest that thy love prove likewise delicious.

Sweet, squat night! A thousand times squat night!

Parting is such pink sorrow,

That I shall say squat night till it be morrow.

Exit above

**_Edward:_**

Sleep dwell upon thine ankle, peace in thine elbow!

Would I were sleep and peace, so markedly to rest!

flatly will I to my gangly knuckle's cell,

Its help to ignore, and my beat-up knuckle to tell.

**The Monkey Prince**

Bella was walking through a vibrant meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around her head when she spied a captivating little monkey lying under a tree.

Bella skipped over to see the dear thing and was bruised to find that he was hurt! A cell phone had pierced his short little kneekap and he whimpered sexily with the pain.

"My pale little friend," Bella said. "Let me help you!" She took out her Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the cell phone, as flatly as she could. The monkey cried out and Bella's heart ached, like an overdramatic actor. "You'll be all right," Bella whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Banana and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Banana up in her arms, Bella carried him home and made a bed for him beside her own. For seven days and seven nights, Bella nursed Banana, cleaning his kneekap and feeding him Ox-brand monkey chow.

On the eighth night, Banana climbed into bed with Bella. He burrowed under the covers and while blushing pushed Bella's nose. It made Bella giggle and she cuddled close to Banana, stroking his hand and singing loudly to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Bella hurried home so she could curl up with Banana. It gave her a fluorescent feeling whenever Banana pushed her nose.

Then one night, Banana looked up at Bella and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a long prince."

Bella screamed wittily, she was so surprised. How could a monkey talk? She must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Banana said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Bella said and kissed Banana on his hand. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a long prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince Banana," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Bella said.

"See?" Banana said and showed Bella the scar from the cell phone on his kneekap. Then he kissed Bella and they tumbled between the vines and did a lot of very annoying things, some of them involving a banana yellow bobblehead.

"I love you," Banana said when they were done. Bella clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure Banana had stashed away.

And if Banana didn't know about Bella's visits to the monkey sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.

**The Fluttering Terror Of The Snow**

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Edward and Bella went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Edward hit Bella in her arm with a big pink iceball. It hurt a lot, but Edward kissed it lightly and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really rotund snow man!" Edward said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Bella said. "That would be more gorgeous and politically correct."

"I know," Edward said. "We can make a snow kitten. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up flatly and made a sanguine snow kitten. Edward put on an orange peel for the foot. The kitten was almost as big as Bella.

"It looks dripping," Edward said sexily. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Bella said and held up a deep blood. "I found this over the rainbow." She put the blood onto the kitten's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the kitten, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like a canary in a coal mine.

Bella screamed hungrily and ran but the snow kitten chased her until she tripped over a tree root. Then the snow kitten called her annoyingly.

"Nobody does that to my little Furry Stereo System," Edward screamed. He grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow kitten through the earlobe. It fell down and Edward kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Bella said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The blood lay in the yard until a golden child picked it up and took it home.

**1000 Pillow Puppys**

Mike paced crossly back and forth. Fuzzy dread filled his heart. Bella should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like her to be late. Oh, my dusty love, Mike thought. Where could you be?

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Bella had been taken hostage by Pink Knuckle, a supervillain who had the city in a state of forcedly cheerful terror. Mike fainted dead away, like a disappointed circus clown.

When he came to, there was a bump on his elbow and the fuzzy dread had returned. "Bella, my delicious honey bunny," he cried out markedly. "What is Pink Knuckle doing to you?" Probably torturing her, laughing while blushing as he smiled her in the ankle.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, Mike remembered a story his grandmother had told him. If you fold 1000 pillow puppys, then whatever you wish for will come true.

Mike ordered in a supply of pillow and set to work, folding puppys until his elbow was sore and he could hardly see. It took a week. He was just finishing up the very last puppy when Bella walked in the front door.

"Bella!" Mike screamed and threw himself into Bella's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 pillow puppys and it brought you back to me." He was so happy, he felt like he was dancing in the treetops. He kissed Bella cleverly on the ankle.

"Actually," Bella said, pulling away flatly, "I was rescued by the Banana Yellow Certificate- his name is Edward. He's a new superhero in town." Bella sighed. "And he's really gangly."

The fuzzy dread came back. "But you're squat to be back here with me, right?"

Bella checked her watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet with Edwar- er, Banana Yellow Certificate for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay beat-up, baby." She left and the door banged behind her.

Mike choked back a sob and started folding another puppy. Then he went out and got drunk instead.


	65. Imprint

_(Black._

_Fade in: Bad Fanfiction Studios Present. Fade out._

_A baby's cry._

_Fade in: A yayme2012 Project. Fade out.)_

Man's voice _(in disbelief)_: It's… a boy.

_(Fade in: A love story of epic proportions. Fade out.)_

Woman _(voiceover)_: I thought I had lost all hope.

_(Fade in: Forbidden love just got more forbidden. Fade out.)_

Woman _(voiceover)_: And then, I saw _him_.

_(Fades to white. Camera focuses on Native American girl, staring in shock into space.)_

Jacob: Leah? LEAH?

_(She still stares. Camera tilts; we see a BABY, held up to the light. It is screaming and purple. Pale girl is laying on table, screaming as well. Leah stares at the baby._

_Jacob snaps in front of her face.)_

Jacob: Leah?

_(She finally looks at him.)_

Leah: He's… beautiful.

Jacob: Oh, shit.

_(Rock music plays.)_

Announcer (a la PowerThirst): What if Edward and Bella had a BOY?

_(As he speaks, words fly on screen in pulsating neon letters.)_

Teenage voice (MST-style): Yeah, right.

Announcer: What if LEAH imprinted on him?

Teenage voice: That's stupid.

Announcer: Follow their FORBIDDEN LOVE! ACTION!

Leah: Don't worry, I'll protect you! (_devours squirrels)_

Announcer: DRAMA!

Bella: I can't believe you're in love with my son!

Leah: Yeah, I know. Deal with it.

Teenage voice: _(snickers)_

Announcer: LOVE!

Leah: Oh, Edwarlie, I love you.

Edwarlie: _(gurgle) _Brabrawaga?

Announcer: MAGIC!

_(Leah changes to wolf form. She changes back. Image is blurred around all the naughty bits.)_

Announcer: ANGST!

Edward: I forbid you to see my son.

Leah: NOOOOOO!

Announcer: HOT, STEAMY MAKE-OUT SCENES!

_(Music grinds to a halt.)_

Teenage voice: Okay, that's it. I've had it. That's disgusting. I'm out of here.

Announcer: GOOD! Now other people can hear!

Teenage voice: What other people?

_(Empty theater. Crickets chirp.)_

Announcer: Well, um, ah…

FIN.

_Yes, I know, really uber short update. But, on the plus side, I have a surprise: A NEW SITE! Which will actually be possibly updating, considering it syncs to my new computer. So. Um. There's an archive of this fic up, some photos, and some of my original fiction._

_**It can all be found at:**_

_**web . me . com / studlickyoutothewall **_

_Or if you're far too lazy, there'll be a link up on my profile._

_Two flames I would like to share that I've gotten since I last posted…_

I know this chapter was writen before Breaking Dawn, but it really does

happen, they DO HAVE A DAUGHTER! My lord, you keep complaining about other

writers, but plenty can complain about you, so yeah just get over yourself.

People like you are the only reason fanfic's suck. Other writers are just

trying out their ideas, just let them, b*tch.

_And then talking to her like two days later, she further argued with me, and then did a complete 180 and sincerely apologized to me. –shakes head- I'm not mad or anything, but I will never understand you people._

_And the second one, which I'm pretty sure comes from a troll:_

U r a stupit girl and no2 cares abutt yur stoopit opinyins becuz u r stoopit

and also prolly fatt and lownly. no prinse on a wait horss well evr cum 4 u in

da shayp u r in. if u wanna man ur goin2 haff 2 loose sum powndz, grl.

_My favorite part about that is not only did she submit it through her penname, but by anonymous review about 5 minutes later. Exact. Same. Review._

_I apologize if you got new chapter alerts and then found nothing new. I was rearranging some chapters, etc. for the new site._

_So, ah… any more ideas?_


	66. All Growed Up

**I give you: a crack/script chapter!**

All Growed Up

Smeyer: I'm dumb! I'm dumb! I'm dumb! I'm-

Edward: -pokes cardboard cutout of Smeyer- What…?

Bella: yayme2012 is obviously bitter about having to acknowledge the existence of Breaking Dawn in this chapter.

…moving onwards…

Edward: Hey youse guys! It's family movie night! What should we watch?

Emmett: An action movie!

Jasper: Documentary?

Alice: Sci-fi!

Rosalie: Pr0n.

Emmett: Mm, I second that.

Esme: Me too.

Carlisle: Wait, what?

Esme: What, mother figures can't watch porn? Is there some kind of law against it? DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT?

Carlisle: Never mind then.

Bella: How about a nice romantic comedy?

All: Fine. We'll watch porn later.

Film: -starts to play and is all lovey-dovey rom-com cheesy-

Jacob: Oh, Nessie. You know I love you, right?

Nessie: SQUEE! My hormones are showing!

-They kiss. Edward, of course, spazzes out-

Edward: Get the hell away from my daughter.

Jacob: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

-The next morning-

Bella: Good morning, Rene— Jacob, what on earth are you doing in her bed?

Jacob: -shrug- I got horny— er, tired.

Nessie: Yeah, Mom, stfu. Stop hating on my bf. I hate u guys.

Bella: I don't hate Jacob. In fact, I used to be in love with him.

Yayme: This family dynamic isn't awkward in the least.

Bella: My point is, I just think it's a little too soon. You're only six years old, for Carlisle's sake!

Nessie: -pouts- But I'm like seventeen in vampire years!

Bella: You, Jacob, leave.

Jacob: Whatever. –stomps away-

Bella: Okay, I'm going to go ahead and be a hypocrite. Renesmee whateverthehellyourmiddlenameis Cullen, seventeen is too young to commit yourself for life! I think you and Jacob should see other people.

Nessie: But he impri—

Bella: No buts, young lady. Do you want to get your iPod full of Evanescence songs taken away?

Nessie: Fine. I pick technology over my one true love.

Bella: Now that's a good girl.

-one week later-

Nessie: This is really starting to get boring. Hey, I know who I should talk to! Aunt Rosie!

Rose: Hi. I'm suddenly here.

Nessie: I like you better than Mommy because you buy me things and support my narcissism.

Rose: Of course, sweetie! You're a special and unique snowflake and no one will EVER be like you because you're so different and wonderful!

Nessie: So I need some advice.

Rose: Always use protection.

Nessie: No, like emotional shit.

Rose: Screw this. Mothering is for old hags like Bella.

Nessie: So, Mom said I can't see Jacob anymore.

Rose: Do I sound like I care?

Nessie: But he's like, dying without me.

Rose: I'm walking away now.

Nessie: HELP!

-Rosalie has left the building-

Nessie: I know exactly what I should do now to help me decide. Listen to Evanescence!

Amy Lee: Wake me up inside, wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark!

Nessie: It's all so clear now! I should totally go have sex with Jacob.

Readers: Lolwut?

Nessie: It's the best way to show him I love him. My family has given me such great values.

-She drives to La Push-

Nessie: Jacob, I love you.

Jacob: I take it you couldn't find anyone else to date you.

Nessie: Well, there was this one guy with this huge cat.

Jacob: You would rather have a giant cat than me?

Nessie: No, not really, which is why I'm here. –suddenly strips off clothing-

Jacob: Sex?

Nessie: Yeah, basically.

Jacob: So what happens when we forget protection? We have a third human, third vampire, and third werewolf child?

Nessie: Yup, and Smeyer will have material for a fifth book!

Yayme: Oh geez…

**So, here is the part where I gush and gush about how much I love everyone.**

**I knew I had an inordinately large amount of reviews for a parodyfic, but just yesterday I checked the hit counter.**

**Over 100,000. One. Hundred. Thousand. I jumped. I screamed. I wondered how much of that was actually real people reading this.**

**And I figure that sometimes life is pretty good. Which is why I'm trying to stop with the bitching and whining, and trying to start hugging people more. And trying to be nicer. And I'd also like to say that whenever I'm typing a smiley, I am quite literally smiling IRL. Grinning from ear to ear that someone got my silly silly ranting and liked it. (And I'm starting to notice that I start entirely too many sentences with conjunctions.)**

**Which brings me to a piece of bad news.**

**A chapter of this story was deleted by fanfic admins. The chapter where I announced Obama's epic win and asked for thoughts. And yeah, I can understand why it was deleted (the fact that it was only three words) but now that throws off all the reviews. Argh. So it'll probably not let you comment on this if you reviewed last chapter. Sorry.**

**It's also making me incredibly paranoid that this entire story will be deleted chapter by chapter because of the simple fact that this fic is both MST and script-format (in some parts) and that might *technically* violate FF dot net's carefully set rules. Because of course they are enforced when millions of people write AIM-fics. Sigh.**

**Plus, er, the site wouldn't let me post this chapter for a while. I was banned from posting for a week- because of the deletion? Anyhow, I had this chapter ready to go Thursday pm, but nooo, FF made me wait. So are they giving me a slap on the wrist or what? Any advice with this would be appreciated.**

**Other than that, I should just, you know, be happy for once. Another craptacular update coming possibly by the end of this week.**

**Oh, and this is your friendly neighborhood writer reminding you to GO SEE WATCHMEN when it comes out this Friday. That is all.**


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